So, I had another appointment with p-doc yesterday. It didn’t go very well. The best part was that he remembered who I was.
I came home hysterical. I cried. I threw up. I cried some more. I slept. I wrote. I talked to some friends here – thank you all for your love and support.
I still feel like a train wreck, but I’m trying to believe that it will be ok – I will be ok – this too shall pass.
Thanks to my regular therapist I mustered the courage to tell p-doc how I felt after the last session. I was calm, if teary – but not angry as I’d feared. I said that I’d felt bullied, betrayed and belittled. He was very defensive and didn’t accept that he’d done anything wrong. We agreed to disagree. I said something about being annoyed that he wouldn’t accept my point of view – he said he didn’t need to. !
He asked if it was worth trying to salvage the relationship. I said I wasn’t sure but the first session made me think it was worth a try. He said he wasn’t fussed either way and that he was comfortable with his reaction because it meant he wasn’t “locked in” or experiencing “counter-transference”. Ugh.
He suggested that we put the letter on hold for the moment and focus on rebuilding “the therapeutic alliance” (I cringe whenever I hear psycho babble, even if I understand what it means, as much as a layperson can. I don’t mean that disrespectfully. I think I just prefer it when I don’t feel like a science experiment.)
He asked if the letter had brought on flashback/nightmare hell. I said no. He’d asked me in the last session how I’d cope afterwards. I told him at the time that it was fortuitous I was seeing my regular therapist, and that I would probably eat myself into oblivion. He laughed (as was my intention) but didn’t offer anything else. This made me mad because if he thought that a downward spiral was a possibility, then he should have suggested something.
He asked me a stack of personal questions about my libido and previous sexual relationships, to which he only got half-truths. I just don’t trust him enough for that yet.
He mentioned something about some work he does with a particular therapeutic intervention. It makes me cringe. From what I’ve read its just soooo not me. Role playing. Yuk. I’m sure it might work for some people, but to me it’s just hocus pocus. I may as well drink holy water.
We talked a bit about my job. He said I must thrive on the organisational politics because I am a “combative person”. Hmm… not a description I would have used. Emotional me went into a tailspin about this, but rational me now thinks it might be saying something about my guardedness with him?
So, in all, it wasn’t great. Is it worth me persisting with him? I don’t know. I don’t like the person I am with him. I don’t like him sometimes. But I don’t want to fail with another therapist. My regular therapist tried hard to find someone decent after the Stone Therapist episode, and I don’t want to stuff her around. I don’t want to feel like I can’t make it work with anyone else.
I feel like my regular therapist is starting to bring out the best in me (or trying to, even if we have to wade through a mountain of toxic waste to get there). I don’t know how or why, but p-doc seems to bring out the worst. I’m so incredibly guarded with him. Defensive. Prickly even.
With my regular therapist I feel supported – she “holds my pain”. With p-doc, he just points out my pain to me and tells me to hold it. Yuk.
I’m wondering about him being male. Is my guardedness because he’s male? Or just because I don’t trust him and think he’s a tool? I feel disappointed in myself; a failure, and that I will have let my regular therapist down if I give up on the male thing. Ugh.
My hysteria has abated, but I’m still a wreck. I’m completely exhausted. I know I’m still fragile from seeing my therapist this week. And I’m also still sick. All not helpful, I’m sure.
I know many of you will say it’s time to cut myself loose from this guy. I’m just not sure. I’m so conflicted about it, particularly as my regular therapist goes on holiday this week, and I don’t want to be left without anyone. Then again… is it worth it if he’s doing more harm than good? I don’t know. I just don’t know.