Feeling funky

Following on yesterday’s triggery mess, I’ve been feeling down today. Self-loathing on high. Tears somewhere under the surface but unable to spring forth properly (except when I’m reading other people’s blogs).

I hate it when I’m like this. I have a session with the Wonder Therapist later today so I’m hoping she can work some of her magic.

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A triggery mess

I’ve been feeling triggery and weird today. I don’t know why, or what started it, but every noise, every person near me seemed to make my skin crawl and my heart pound.

I’m not sure know why this happened, and I’m not sure I want to know why.

I hate it when that happens.

I don’t like Mondays

One of my favourite practitioner blogs is Trench Warfare. It’s kinda snarky, but I love it. Reas recently posted about pointless, boring, time-sucking meetings. Work meetings, you understand, not the AA kind, or any other kind.

My Mondays are filled with pointless, boring, time-sucking meetings. As if Monday mornings aren’t bad enough on their own, I have two to two-and-a-half hours of comatosing drivel to sit through. It drives me crazy.

The first meeting – at 9am, I might add – is for the “managers”. They are doofuses. Trust me when I say this – most have been in the organisation for something approaching 100 years. They’re negative, cynical, objectionable men. They wear brown cardigans in the winter and shorts with long socks in the summer. They talk about the minutiae of the business in ways that I’m sure don’t interest ANYONE and they keep referring to things that happened back in 1987. Like anyone cares????? I’m not into detail so it just drives me nuts. It makes me want to stick a pen in my eye.

The other meeting is for the senior managers. You’d think this would be more interesting, but today was just beyond a joke. To begin with I’d only just scraped myself out of my coma from the previous meeting. Then we started half an hour late, which just annoyed the sh** out of me. Then the others didn’t have their papers and kept talking about all sorts of irrelevant garbage. AND they wanted to talk detail again. Give me strength! It made me want to stab myself with the whiteboard marker.

I came out of the meetings grumpier than I went in – which wasn’t hard today, but really, it just sets the whole day up for cr@p.

I heard on my favourite TV show (which I’m watching again, for about the tenth time :)) that the song “I don’t like Mondays” is actually about a girl who goes and shoots all her classmates. Pretty sad, really. I don’t like Mondays either but I’m only going to commit grievous harm with the pens.

And a special thanks to my friend who helped me find a workable version of this song to put here. You’re ace, CG! 🙂

Funny tales

It occurred to me this morning that some people have interesting things happen in their lives that make for interesting tales in the blogosphere. Not me. And some people have a way with words that is totally captivating. Not me either.

These thoughts jumped into my head as I was wandering around the supermarket earlier today.

Then I saw the soap powder I’d bought on one of my three trips to the supermarket in the last three days (don’t ask). It was on special and I only like to buy it when it’s on special coz you get to save like $7 or $10 when it is. These types of specials are the ones worth waiting for.

Anyway, as I passed the soap powder I thought, “That’s the soap powder I bought the other day. I’ve got some of that.”

And then I wondered what would happen if I went up to some random stranger in the supermarket and said, “See that soap powder over there? I’ve got some of that.”

What do you think they’d do? Apart from stare at me like I was a complete lunatic, and then slink away hoping I wouldn’t talk to them anymore – like the people on trains who stare intently at their books, even when they’re not reading, in the hope that the slightly crazy person won’t speak to them. Do you think they’d call the store manager and have me committed?

Sense of self

Last week in Group we talked about “sense of self” and how messed up and confused this is for survivors.

We started off with a couple of questions, and paired off to discuss:

  • What messages did you receive from childhood s*xual assault about who you are?
  • How might these messages have affected your sense of self – including your self-esteem/self-confidence?

Boy, tough questions. I was paired up with the Quiet One, who is quiet, and barely spoke for the first four weeks of group, but by last week was really growing in confidence. (It’s been so wonderful to see and share in her growth!)

Interestingly, the facilitators asked us also to pay attention to how we felt as we explored these questions – physically and emotionally.

I did my usual thing and fought back the tears not-so-successfully. I don’t like crying in group, but it’s actually one of the few places I feel completely safe doing it. It’s wonderful how supportive the group is – each and every one of them – and how we are able to hold each other’s pain, even when we can’t hold our own.

Anyway, the questions were tough, as you might expect… another big bl00dy elastic band, really. I was quite traumatised by the discussion, so was uncharacteristically quiet.  

Here are some of the things we identified in response to the questions:

What messages did you receive from childhood s*xual assault about who you are?

  • That I was disgusting
  • I was dirty
  • I was worthless
  • I was bad
  • I was an outsider
  • I was not important
  • I was responsible
  • I was stupid
  • I was broken

How might these messages have affected your sense of self – including your self-esteem/self-confidence?

  • I was held back from doing things
  • I didn’t know who I was
  • I lacked control
  • I wasn’t allowed to have fun
  • I never believed in myself
  • I put other people’s needs first
  • I was always apologising for myself
  • I wished I could be different
  • I wished I could be good enough
  • I wished I had someone else’s life
  • I never felt like myself

You get the drift. Easy to write here now, but not so easy to talk about. We also talked about how we felt discussing the questions – heavy, dark, reluctant, slow. The facilitators even commented on our body language (slumped) and our lack of energy.

Thankfully at about that point we took a break, although the low energy followed us into the kitchen for our usually buoyant tea and snacks.

Also thankfully, the facilitators had planned this session well. After the break we talked about what I think was my biggest learning for the session:

“These things are not who I am. They were imposed on me.”

Yep, true. Rationally I know it’s true – I just have to repeat this a few more thousand times to truly believe it.

And then we spent time reflecting on and discussing a different question:

What abilities, strengths, attributes do I now recognise?

  • I am a good person
  • I deserve happiness
  • I deserve good things in life
  • I am learning who I am
  • I’m learning to have fun (safely)
  • I am not responsible for other people’s happiness
  • I can say ‘no’ and the world won’t cave in
  • I am not weird
  • I can feel safe
  • I can learn to trust other people

What an uplifting discussion! We were all energised, and all left the group feeling strong and inspired! 🙂

To Nablo or not to Nablo

In my last post Sanity asked why I was thinking of giving up on Nablo this year. Basically I’m lazy and find myself without a lot to say, and so most days I end up writing a bunch of sh**. Actually, if I’m honest, I’m still reeling from bloggy events last week and not feeling safe to write about what’s really going on.

And then there’s the theme – Now – which is a fine theme, except now there’s writing prompts to consider, most of which don’t seem to bear much of a relationship to the theme at all:

  • If you could take a train journey through any part of the world, where would you go?
  • What are the five best bands you’ve seen play live?
  • What’s your superpower?
  • Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why?

Some of these questions are just fine – I’d like to ride the trans-Siberian railway, or may be the Lhasa Express… but I don’t want any superpowers, I don’t think I owe any apologies and I can barely recall the bands I’ve seen play live, let alone name five of them.

I’m just lazy, I guess. Technically I missed a post yesterday but I’m sure it’s still yesterday in some part of the world.

Fears

I’m thinking of giving up on Nablo this year, but will keep going for a few more days.

Today’s writing prompt is: “What’s your greatest fear?”

Easy. Growing old and crusty alone – known by the neighbours as the crazy cat lady. Dying and being nibbled at by the cats for three weeks before any human discovered I was dead. That’s my greatest fear.