Search terms

I rarely get anything remotely interesting from search terms, but a couple of good ones cropped up lately:

  • Psychiatrists are condescending – Yes, they are. Or were in my case, at least. Actually in my case he was a patronising sh1thead, but let’s not be negative.
  • Inappropriate behaviour married boss – If the people who searched for this are still reading – get the hell away from this person as fast as you can. Run. Run now. Don’t look back.
  • Plastic jogging suit – Why someone is searching for one of these is beyond me. Imagine yourself cloaked in stiff plastic, somewhat resembling an old tarp, but less comfortable. And running in it. Bleuch.
  • My fish is falling apart – Hmmm, you got me there.
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The tears arrive

The tears are here.

I’m not sure if they’re post-operative tears, or therapist-poking-around-in-places-she’s-not-wanted-tears, or oh-my-god-my-wound-is-gaping-and-I-think-I-have-an-infection-tears, or just general my-life-really-is-cr@p-squooshed-all-over-the-abattoir-floor-tears. Whatever the reason, here are two songs I find oddly tear-jerking and comforting all at the same time. And the artist has one of the most amazing voices. I’ve been trying to distract myself with the movies, too.

I’m hoping my therapist is right and they are just post-operative tears and will go away.

“Into the West”

Lay down
your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journey’s end.

Sleep now, and dream
of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across a distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms,
you’re only sleeping.

What can you see
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don’t say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And you’ll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West.

“Why”

How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I’m sorry for the things I’ve done
But when I start to try to tell you
That’s when you have to tell me
Hey… this kind of trouble’s only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don’t you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That’s why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me…
Why
Why

I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you’re thinking
And I’ve heard is said too many times
That you’d be better off
Besides…
Why can’t you see this boat is sinking
(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let’s go down to the water’s edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me…
Why
Tell me…
Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I’ll never tread
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead
This is the joy that’s seldom spread
These are the tears…
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel ?
’cause i don’t think you know how I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
I don’t think you know what I feel
You don’t know what I feel

Thank you

A very good friend helped me out today in a way that’s very special.

As a child, one of my favourite books was “Elizabeth”. It’s a simple story about a little girl who gets a rag doll for Christmas. She hates the rag doll because it doesn’t walk and talk like the doll her cousin got, so she buries it in the snow 😦 She soon learns, however, that the rag dolls is just as good – if not better – than the other doll. She grows to love Elizabeth, and even gets a beautiful velvet dress for her the following year.

I loved this story. I borrowed the library copy every week for about a year. My mother tried to get me a copy, but couldn’t find it anywhere. So Elizabeth went missing from my life for over 30 years.

But today this special friend found her for me. I’m so touched, both that I can still find treasured childhood memories, and also that someone would do something so wonderful for me.

Thank you, Castorgirl 🙂

I found flow

There’s this thing psychologists call “flow”. It’s about being totally immersed in an activity – so caught up that you lose all track of time and all your worries evaporate. There’s no mental noise, just complete immersion and focus on whatever you’re doing. Fully engaged and totally carefree.

I found flow in photography. I also found it at the MSO’s production of The Messiah tonight (even if I’m not remotely religious) 🙂

Just me and the camera, or me and the music. Nothing else existed, let alone mattered – not work, not my mother, not really anything at all. My mind, body and spirit all fully engaged and all working to the same end. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this.

It’s liberating and energising, and yet calming at the same time. Wonderful! I’d even go so far as to say it’s bliss. 🙂

The Wonder Therapist says this is “very positive”. I suspect so, too. 🙂

This has been one of my favourite pieces of music for as long as I can remember. Enjoy.