Two months

It’s two months today since I lost my Mum. It’s a funny thing saying that you “lost” someone. Like you put them down somewhere and forgot where they were.

I know now that I will never “get over” this. I am forever changed. I know that the days become easier to bear, little by little. I am getting used to Mum’s absence. I no longer look for her on the couch when I get home, but the loss and the grief are always present. Like the other day I drove past a coffee shop, and though it was one I’d never seen before, it’s name was a word Mum and I used sometimes when we baked. It was another stabbing reminder that she’s gone.

The Back Up Therapist says at the moment it’s like I have a gaping wound, and everything like that coffee shop is like ripping the bandage off and reopening the wound. Again and again and again. Apparently one day I’ll rip the bandage off and the wound won’t be so raw and gaping. At the moment I can only hope so.

I try to pass the time. Even pass it healthily. The Back Up Therapist says that will make things easier in the long term. Thankfully, for once, my inner-self knows she’s right. So I eat (relatively) well, get regular exercise, don’t drink or take pills. And I feel those wretched feelings.

But I still miss Mum. For all her faults – and this blog recorded many – we had a close and enduring bond – better in the last few months of her life than for sometime before that. To say I miss her feels like such a ridiculous thing to say. There’s a huge hole in my life where she used to be and nothing – NOTHING – can fill it.

A friend said recently that the thought of losing her Mum is more than she can bear. I thought so, too, and yet somehow I have managed to survive the last two months. It seems incredible, but I have.

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5 thoughts on “Two months

  1. My thoughts are with you as well. This is a very difficult time and I admire that you are taking care of yourself gently.

  2. I’m so proud of you for taking such good care of yourself and for feeling your feelings. Good for you. When you feel your grief feelings this won’t come back to bite you in the bottom with a serious illness in ten years from now, due to repressed and unfelt and unmourned feelings.

    I went through this and I can tell you it does get better, surprisingly, bit by bit, but the mother stuff, wow, it takes some time to heal from.Personally I mourned the loss of the mother archetype, because the reality was so atrocious, thinking she was my only chance of having mothering in my life. But surprisingly that is not true and slowly life has brought that to me. I wish the same for you, when you are willing and ready for it.

    You made a huge space in your life for your Mum during her illness, and I think, that makes the wound even larger. You changed your life, a new home, and new place, all for her and your love of her. That is incredibly loving and unselfish. It shows what a beautiful and wonderful soul you are.

    If it is okay, little Grasshopper, please think of me in Minnesota in the winter cold, thinking of you in your summer warmth and sending you lots of good and healing thoughts to you. I will also be sending you some mothering thoughts, as I am deep down a mothering sort of person, and you have a special place in my heart. I hope that is okay.

    Love you dear one,

    Kate

  3. Thinking of you (((Kerro))) and wishing you well…
    Yes, your mother had her faults… but, she was your mother… It’s right, and good, to mourn that fact…

    Please take care,
    CG

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