I faced a dilemma this week. One I’m not sure I resolved. I have a friend, a kind of special friend, the kind that come with benefits of the …. beneficial kind, if you know what I mean. 😉

I could write for hours about how all this started. About how he opened up to me and told me how long he’d been attracted to me. Mentioned times at a friend’s house, BBQs and parties, years past, and him remembering all this time what I was wearing and how I smiled or flicked my hair. About how nervous he was. About how much I learned from this, about him and about men in general. Their vulnerability in the face of … vulnerability and emotion. And how much I learned about s*x and how it can be decent and warm and loving. But those are other stories, for other times.

The last couple of times haven’t been so great for me. Sure, physically, there’s something, but inside I’ve felt like a piece of meat, and sometimes come out the other side feeling like this. We had a date for tonight, but for days I’ve felt really uncomfortable about it. A knot in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t work out. I’ve done it before, so why the knot? Why this time? Was it body image? The flashbacks that crept in last time? Pure laziness? My recent dance with depression? All of these things? Eventually I realised I didn’t want to feel like that again, despite the attractions of s*x and a night of intimacy. And despite the pull of past messages and past behaviours about doing what men tell you to do.

I woke this morning feeling pretty clear that I didn’t want to do it. Or didn’t want to feel like a piece of meat and have all that come up again. So I cancelled. For a minute or two I felt good about having a modicum of self-respect. And then other stuff came up that’s left me even more confused. I started to feel guilty for cancelling and letting him down. I felt stupid for some reason, I think for thinking anything would happen, or for thinking he would care that I cancelled (he didn’t) or something. I’m not really sure. And a sense of panic that I’d done the wrong thing. An internal pull between wanting to feel loved, and not wanting to feel like sh*t afterwards. I can only assume this is more old messages, though I’m not sure where they come from or what they mean.

It’s too confusing. Why does everything have to be so complicated and messy and confusing? Why can’t one thing in my life just be simple?? 😉

8 thoughts on “Confusion

  1. I’m curious, if you don’t mind my asking … does this connection have longer-term or sustainable emotional intimacy potential, or is it centered specifically on a sexual connection?

  2. Hi David, no, I don’t mind you asking at all. Despite all the emotional weirdnesses in the situation, there are no longer-term implications. Not least because I’ve discovered we have almost nothing in common outside the bedroom and I find him rather tedious and boring. That sounds terrible – he’s a lovely man, and a good(ish) friend. Just not someone I want to spend my life with. Nor him with me.

  3. Oh gosh, this is so difficult in many ways – to have something that for a while felt good and positive without any of the unhelpful stuff that gets mixed in when you’ve experienced trauma (even when you haven’t, sometimes – relationships are complicated – mine certainly is) and then to find it creeping in anyway.

    It sounds like from your reply to David that there isn’t much more to the relationship – I wonder whether that makes it feel less worth investing in working through this somehow, I’m not sure how I’d feel about that unless I absolutely trusted someone, but very hard to lose what you had. 😦

    Hugs to you,


  4. Hi Same Sky, thanks for dropping by 🙂 It was, as you say, so great to experience something like this without the trauma creeping in. Although it did anyway. I’m seeing the PNT tomorrow so I’m sure she’ll help me figure this out. You may be right and it’s not worth working through but, on the other hand, it may be worth it just for “practice”. 😉

  5. Hi Kerro,

    I could be wrong here, but I wondered if the lack of compatibility outside of intimacy, was the big issue… It sounds like the intimacy was positive, physically; but, was the lack of other connections causing you to feel like the “piece of meat” you describe? Almost like you’re wanting more… an emotional connection, as well as a physical one… it’s good, and healthy to want those things 🙂

    I hope the appointment with PNT helped…

    Take care,

  6. @ Same Sky – definitely safe. This guy is a friend first, and I’ve known him a long time, so there’s a sort of “social accountability” there at least. Thanks for the advice. 🙂

    @ Castorgirl – yea, I wonder that, too. The PNT talked about s*x as an “emotional connection”, though it’s not always. She also talked about the difficulty of saying yes to something like this days in advance – like saying on Thursday “yes, i’ll feel like it at 7pm on Sunday” LOL She also said that I have a “right” to say No. Rationally I know that, but you know, still confusing as hell, and the whole thing was a bit triggering so I don’t remember parts of it. Hope you are taking care out there, too.

  7. (((Kerro)))

    This sounds like a difficult situation because there have been some positives and you’ve clearly talked through it with PNT and the posters above but I was wondering about your mother. I don’t know how the timeframe of your mother getting sick and moving her in with you overlaps with the you feeling like a piece a meat but they might be related. Even a safe casual thing might be overwhelming considering all the pressure related to your mother’s health and presence.

    Take care of yourself,

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