Hello Blogosphere, I’ve missed you. I mean really missed you. I’ve no good excuses. As my friend Strangename said in my last post – my plate is full. It’s more than full. It’s overflowing and I’m officially drowning.
I was keeping my head above water (if only just) until a week or so ago when I found out I may not have a job in a couple of months. That was the proverbial straw. I was already slightly depressed and that was enough to tip me over the edge. Again. It triggered a whole lot of old messages about being “not good enough” and a “complete failure” (“not just a partial failure?” asked the PNT, a little facetiously. 😉 )
I’m not sure how but I ended up in that dark place many of us find ourselves in every now and then. I’m a lot better than I was, but still grappling with the idea that I’m a waste of space. Every evening I find myself battling the Judy Garland Trail Mix, mentally at least (although the image of me actually fighting some giant pills is kind of funny LOL) and drinking just a little too much so as to dull the pain and the incessant chatter in my head. It’s not good, and I’m sick of it. I’m due to go back to work tomorrow so we’ll see what new joys that brings.
Living with my mother is having its ups and downs. One of the ups is that her physical health is better than anyone would have predicted. It’s still not terrific, but I don’t think the doctors thought she’d be here now. But, as most of you predicted, living with her – or her living with me – is not good for my health, emotional or physical. And probably not my mother’s either. I know for a fact that I drive her crazy sometimes. She loves to remind me. She also loves to criticise and speak negatively about just about every damned thing. It’s what the WT once called “wading through honey”. In the circumstances, though, I wouldn’t have it any other way. We are looking for a bigger house in the hope it will give us both some much needed space. Even that is a bigger ordeal than I expected. We seem unable to agree on anything. Mostly it’s my mother who can’t agree and is acting like she wants a pony. Regardless, I am close to giving in to just get some SPACE. I know this probably isn’t the best decision for me, but more on that another time.
I know I’m stressed. I don’t think I really understood what stress does to me until now. I’ve developed a lovely skin rash that flares when my stress levels rise, and I’ve started getting migraines. At first it was “just” the aura – a kind of kaleidoscope of visual weirdness. But last week, after the news at work, it developed into the full on head-splitting migraine. Lucky me. I’ve now had two in the last ten days and they’re leaving me a little worse for wear. 😦
I am hoping that getting back to blogging might help me deal with things. Along with eating well, getting lots of rest, exercise, breathing and all that usual sh*te people tell us about. I know they’re right, but when getting out of bed is the most complicated thing you can tackle in a day, chances are the rest of it will go to hell, too.