I’m faulty

I’m not really, I know that. But I did grow up believing it. I also grew up in an environment where expressing any sort of emotion just wasn’t acceptable. Not for anyone except my father, who of course, as “Master” and “Ruler” of his domain, could do and say and express anything he wanted to, irrespective of the impact on other people. But with my mother also in that environment, telling me to “be strong” in circumstances that only the hardest of souls could be strong in, I came away believing that feelings are wrong; that if I have feelings, then I’m somehow faulty. As if all those other reasons to feel faulty weren’t enough, there’s this as well. Sigh.

The PNT spoke about this in my second session this week. About how having feelings isn’t actually “faulty”, but part of being human. An important part of being human. Go figure?!?

I have to say I’m not enjoying my sessions with PNT, though I am learning a lot and because of that I’ll keep going to see her. (The situation with the Wonder Therapist and potentially having two therapists is as yet unresolved. I’m playing ostrich on that one LOL) Anyway, PNT spent quite a lot of time trying to get me to just sit with my feelings, and especially to get in touch with the anxiety I was feeling. I didn’t like that one little bit. By the end of the session I wanted to run away and get completely drunk, though I also understood why that was, perhaps with a degree of clarity I’ve not had before.

Of course, getting drunk, taking drugs, eating, cutting or doing any one of a zillion other things is just about trying to avoid feeling that anxiety. But you know that already. Apparently I am the one who’s slow on the uptake here 😉 And who wouldn’t want to avoid it? It’s awful!!

When I wasn’t dissociating or trying to deflect her attention with vaguely humorous comments, I did feel the anxiety. It’s hideous. Why would I want to feel that?  Apparently because having feelings is normal, and unless you feel them, you can’t learn to manage them. Hmph.

But enough about that for today. I also want to share a couple of things with you. First there’s this scarily accurate poem about a fear of rejection over at Kellevision’s blog. Check it out. Amazing. It stopped me in my tracks.

There’s also this really awesome speaker on TED Women. What she says about being true to yourself or your body will let you down certainly resounded with me. Anyway, check it out. Really great stuff.

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4 thoughts on “I’m faulty

  1. Hi Kerro,

    There’s a huge difference between knowing this stuff, and putting it into practice. There’s then another leap to managing this stuff in our daily lives… it sounds as if you are ready to put this stuff into practice and start living it… Yup, it’s apparently uncomfortable, yucky, annoying, terrifying… But, the rewards apparently outweigh all of that.

    The poem by Kellevision is brilliant, isn’t it? Sums it up all too well… although I don’t think they really like me… ooops, is my dysfunction showing?

    I love the holistic approach that Lissa is advocating… although serious faux pax by having an image regarding sexual health that only had a male and female symbol on it… not a good message to give when you were trying to talk about acceptance, understanding and looking at yourself as an interwoven, complex being.

    Take care,
    CG

  2. Hi CG – yep, there is a huge difference between knowing and doing and then it becoming automatic like all the other junk we carry around. Yikes, I have so far to go! I really don’t feel like I’m at the “doing” stage, though may be I am testing it or able to have a go with something small, I don’t know.

    I love the holistic approach too. I’m sorry I didn’t see the gender image. I confess I didn’t actually watch much of the clip (I found her too damned cheesy and nauseating to look at, though her words held meaning for me). I also really liked what she said about the body as a mirror, reflecting what’s going on with our minds and our spirits. 🙂

    Thanks for commenting. ((hugs))

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