How quickly we forget

I think I’m struggling. In fact, I KNOW it. I recognise the signs: the poor sleep, the constant anxiety and dread in the pit of my stomach; the skittish thoughts; the thoughts and emotions put on hold because I don’t have the time or space to deal with them. I’ve started drinking again. Nothing you’d call a problem, but I do like a little something at the end of the day to quell the anxiety and keep my mother’s voice from boring into my head. I like the calm; the almost-peace that comes it, and my ability to forget that now my house feels like the cess pit of negativity and cynicism.

I went out with some friends the other night and got absolutely hammered. I loved it. It was the first time in ages I’ve forgotten – or almost forgotten – all the cr*p that’s going on in my life. I also contemplated taking drugs – something I’ve not thought about for a long, long, LONG time.

This isn’t about doing myself any harm. Not really. In fact that’s just about the furthest thing from my mind. I just want to block things out, forget about everything for a while. Understandable, I suppose, given that my mother is now out of hospital and staying at my place* and given that she potentially has another type of cancer on top of her original cancer. Not a spread – a new cancer. Entirely separate, they say, just a “coincidence.” Cr*p huh? She’s having another biopsy this week, so we’ll know more in about ten days time.

I was flicking through some old blog posts this week, when I came across this one. It’s about coping and all the different things I’ve done over the years to cope – the good things, and the bad. I realized how much work I’ve done with the Wonder Therapist to develop new coping mechanisms, and how quickly I seem to have forgotten them.

A nice realization, but it hasn’t really helped me. I still wanted to spend my weekend blotto or unconscious. I know this is something I should discuss with my therapist, and I will. I do feel a bit embarrassed, though, given I thought all these maladaptive things were pretty much behind me. I guess not. Sigh. Hell, I guess at least I’m not cutting myself, right?

blah blah

* Her proposal to move in is as yet unresolved. I’m pretty much ignoring it for now. At least until we get the results of her latest round of tests.

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8 thoughts on “How quickly we forget

  1. My former therapist used to have a saying, “Under stress we regress.” If you think about it, this is true for everyone.you HAVE made great strides with your healing. Try to remember we canall come “undone” from time to time. Also, I think eveyone has a desire to block out the crap when,ife is stressful. Cut yourself some slack. You will gather yourself and “get grip”. It will happen. I believe in you andhear yourc urrent struggle.
    Take care,
    Lothlorien

  2. Thanks Lothlorien. You’re right, I have progressed, just “regressing” as your former therapist said. It sucks. Makes me feel like everything is coming undone. I hope you’re right and things come back together again. I’m not sure how much longer I can do “this”.

  3. I think it is great that you can recognize the signs. One of my fears is that now I that I am feeling better I will get back to feeling bad again, and I don’t know the signs because I don’t know how it happened last time.

    But I am sorry that you are feeling badly and hopefully this is as far as your maladaptive behaviors will go.

  4. Hmmm… I am doing my concerned face…

    I’m sorry for all that you and your mother are going through Kerro; but in all honesty, this post has some huge warning flags in it. Yes, you’ve made huge leaps in your healing, and I’d hate to see that jeopardised because of what your mother is going through. There is a difference between supporting someone through an illness, and sacrificing yourself.

    Still doing concerned face…

    Take care,
    CG

  5. @ Normal – I hope it’s temporary, too. I don’t want to go back there, I really don’t. I’ve worked too hard to make it through times like that. I hope that awareness is half the battle too. Thanks.

    @ Harriet – I’m sure you’ll recognise the signs if you start to feel bad again. I’m not always “quick” to recognise them, or intervene, but better than I was. I think when we’ve been there, there’s always part of us who never wants to go back, so is always on the lookout. Thanks for your comments.

    @ CG – Sorry if this sounds mean, I really don’t intend it to, but I am “laughing” at your concerned face. May be I’m embarrassed, I don’t know. I do recognise the warning signs, though. You’ll be pleased to know I contacted my therapist on the weekend and saw her again on Monday to discuss the warnings. I really don’t want to sacrifice any of me in caring for my mother, but at the moment that seems like what I’m doing. I guess I don’t know any other way. Not yet, anyway. Thank you for your concern, seriously. 🙂

  6. Hi Kerro,

    It sounds hard. I’m sorry. I can relate. I could never have lived with my mom while she was going through her cancer and death. I was there often and that was more than I could handle. I was lucky, I had another sibling who she was living with and that helped so much. My sister took a work compassion break and that meant that she didn’t have to deal with work and our mother at the same time. I know that you don’t have that as an option and I’m sorry that you have to be the one to bear this burden by yourself. And I did lose a lot of coping mechanisms along the way. But they were still there, I just had trouble accessing them. Some days were better than others. I know that I got better and better at it as I was dealing with her death. I didn’t have as many life skills as you have now, so I feel confident that it will get much, much better in time. You have an awareness of what is going on, you were reading past posts of yours, you reminded yourself of healthier coping mechanisms, you are writing and interacting on your blog about it. Those are huge things. A lot of huge steps forward again.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  7. Hi Kate – I’m glad you had your sister to help relieve you of some of the burden while your mother was ill. It’s funny, some people say siblings are a blessing in this situation, others say, ‘nah, you don’t want them. All we do is fight.’ Families, eh? I have spoken at length to PNT about these so-called “coping mechanisms” and will blog soon. Thanks for having faith in me that I will make positive steps again. 🙂

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