How did we get here? – Part Two

Wow. I’d almost forgotten how difficult therapy can be sometimes. After all this time I never imagined that starting with a potential new therapist could be as hard as starting with the old one. I never imagined it would bring up some familiar issues – my old “friend” fear, especially the fear that she’ll see the “real” me and toss me out on my ear.

I still like the Potential New Therapist (PNT for now, I’ll christen her, in time 😉 ). I like the way she draws attention to my tears (which is mostly what she’s seen in our two sessions together 😉 ) and asks what they’re about. I like that it makes me look inside and check what’s going on (even if I can’t name it yet). I like that she uses psych terms for things, which enables me to bring the intellectual and the emotional together. And I really like that she wants me to bring what I’ve learned so far, rather than start afresh.

But I definitely don’t like that all this is making me feel less healed than I thought I was. And I don’t like how emotionally wobbly it’s making me. I’m also not that fond of the “50-minute hour”, though it’s made appreciate the Wonder T’s flexibility with her time.

My challenge for tomorrow is to talk to the Wonder T about how to tackle all this without falling apart, and whether this is the time for that, given everything else that’s going on. I can’t tell you how scared I am. Scared. To. Death.

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11 thoughts on “How did we get here? – Part Two

  1. (((Kerro)))

    I’m glad that you found an connection with PNT and she is bringing new things to the table and that you are going to talk to Wonder T about it. I think that shows the strength and flexibility of your relationship with Wonder T. I hope that your session tomorrow helps even thought it is bound to be difficult like therapy often is. I’ll be thinking of you.

    Di

    PS I’m sorry I didn’t comment earlier on this but I admit to the topic of changing therapists even by choice upsetting because I can’t imagine not seeing mine right now. LOL

  2. Hi Kerro,

    It could be that looking at what your dealing with from another angle is what is bringing up the tears. It sounds like PNT is good at connecting your emotional and intellectual responses, which I think is vital to the whole healing process. Again, that’s nothing against WT, but rather a different approach is just a different approach… I think WT helped you develop some great coping skills, and got you to a much better place than you were a few years ago. It’s good to ask if going in a new direction is what you want at the moment – you’ve gone through a really rough time lately, so do you need stability for a little while longer, or do you need that bringing together of the emotional with the intellectual?

    It’s ultimately your choice… which, of course, makes so much more scary 🙂 But you can, and do, make very good decisions when you listen to yourself. So take your time, and look at it from all the different angles.

    Take care, and don’t be getting all anarchy like, out there on the streets – k?
    CG 🙂

  3. @ Di – Thanks for your kind thoughts and there’s no need to apologise for not commenting, I completely understand. I have always found the thought of changing therapists incredibly upsetting and I certainly never thought I’d be in the position I’m in now. Today’s session with the Wonder T helped in that I’m reassured that I don’t have to give her up any time soon. I still don’t know what it will look like to see PNT and WT, but at least that panic-stricken part of me is peaceful again.

    @ CG – PNT is really good at a whole lot of things – connecting responses, naming emotions, sitting with them, dealing with them, even breathing! Who would have thought? You’re right, different is just different – neither one is necessarily better; they’re just different. I think all of this attention to the emotional is really good for me, though you’re right, is now the right time? There’s no particular reason why not now, because I can do the therapy part as slowly as I like (which in itself is progress for me, instead of “running” to the end). If I’m completely honest, I think I need stability, but I also need the emotional healing. Each therapist probably satisfies one and a half of these things, if that makes sense.

    LOL re the anarchy. Who would have thought exercising your right as a citizen was “anarchy”? Sometimes I despair for the world.

  4. OMG… she does breathing too??? What is this thing T’s have with breathing??? You’d think it was necessary for living or something. Next they’ll be saying you need more than two hours of sleep per night! The gall…

    Can I make a suggestion?
    Why yes, yes you can. I hear you say… cool, I will…
    Why not sit in your session with WT and just see how it feels. Then do what might feel really uncomfortable, and sit in your session with PNT and see how that feels.

    Just remember that this isn’t a judgement on you, or either therapist; but an indication of where you are, and what you need to move forward.

    Take care out there,
    CG

  5. Lol the Wonder T was banging on about that sleep thing today. I don’t know *what* she’s thinking. *head. desk.*

    That sitting is a good idea – the PNT likes “sitting with” things. If you’d asked me two days ago I could have answered, but then WT did uber sensitive doe eyes today so now I don’t know what’s going on. Lol.

  6. This whole topic scares me too, but I am glad to see that it doesn’t have to be as horrific as I imagine it in my head. Sitting with feelings, I don’t think we do that in my therapy.

  7. Thanks Harriet. You don’t do sitting with feelings? You mean your therapist never encourages you to just ‘sit’ with what you’re feeling, without running away, or hiding, or stuffing the feelings down with something else? Wow.

  8. I’m not sure what sitting with feelings is – is it something you do during your session, or outside of the session? I definitely don’t run away while I am in session, and he encourages me to get feelings out, to not stuff them inside, but he has never used the phrase “sitting with feelings”. I frankly have no idea what it means! How do you do it?

  9. Hi Harriet, may be you call it something different. “Sitting” with the feelings means just allowing yourself to feel the feeling/s, instead of “running away” (metaphorically or physically) or “stuffing them down”. Sounds to me you do it, or at least your therapist encourages you to do it, even if you call it something different.

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