The windscreen washer

I held it together today. I held it together yesterday, too. Mostly. I held it together while I watched my mother suffer the unexpected complications from her surgery – the endless vomiting, the weight that falls off her by the minute, the bony fragility of her once strong frame, new tubes being inserted into every orifice, injections causing bruises on every part of her body, her looking grey and awful and feeling terrible, not the woman I know.

I held it together until the stupid windscreen washer man harassed me at the traffic lights. I told him no, I didn’t want my windscreen washed. But he squirted my car with soap anyway. I lost it. I swore at him and told him to “Just get away from the f***ing car.”

I guess that was the proverbial straw.

I’m scared. I’ve never seen my mother this sick before. It breaks my heart to see a once mentally and physically strong woman almost broken. I don’t want her to be so sick, let alone to die, and I’m not sure I can take losing the only good parent I’ve got so soon after the other one. It’s just wrong. All so wrong.

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6 thoughts on “The windscreen washer

  1. Hi Kerro,

    I’m so sorry. I would have lost it on the guy as well. It was totally understandable. Good and healing thoughts to you and your mom.

    Kate

  2. @ Lothlorien – Thanks. It’s pretty awful. I’m seeing the Wonder Therapist tomorrow in the hope she can help me find ways to cope with this.

    @ Sanity – Thanks, and ((hugs)) back to you. I don’t have any other family. I do have some friends who have been incredibly supportive, but it’s still difficult, and I don’t like to subject them to this. I hope you don’t have to go through anything like this with your Mum.

    @ Kate – thanks for your healing thoughts, I hope they work on Mum! 🙂

  3. Ok, so are you in a good mood? Cos if you aren’t, this comment is totally going to wind you up further… brace yourself…

    So I think your reaction to the window washer is justified, and a much needed release of some tension. Now, if you’d got out of the car with a baseball bat/shotgun and threatened the guy (a la Falling Down), that would be taking it too far. But swearing at someone for doing something you told them not to do… in the bigger picture, that’s no biggie.

    I’m really sorry about your mother. What she has going for her, is her strength. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to wonder why this is happening. It’s ok to be mad.

    I hope WT helped.

    Take gentle care of yourself,
    CG

  4. OMG Castorgirl, I’m LOLing at your comment re the shotgun. I love that Falling Down movie – often picture myself like that in traffic, just walking away from my car or pulling a gun like a lunatic or something. LOL

    Seriously, thank you. I hope Mum’s strength will pull her through, I really do.

    The WT certainly helped… mainly by shifting the focus back on me, to looking after me, I mean, putting myself first, which is hard, but definitely what I need to do right now. First stop was tidying up the sea of sh** in the kitchen (and chatting to an online friend who gave me an excuse to procrastinate some more LOL) 🙂

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