Anniversaries

They say anniversaries – birthdays, holidays, etc – are difficult times when you’re grieving. Today’s my father’s birthday – or would have been, if he were still alive. For some reason it’s affected me more than I expected. I can’t even put my finger on why that is, though I’m trying to accept that perhaps it just is.

And yesterday was father’s day here, and I was reminded of all the good father’s out there, though I’m not even sure what a good one looks like. I was particularly stung by a message from our nation’s leader on that social networking site wishing “all” father’s a Happy Father’s Day. All fathers? Really? Even the crappy ones? Even the ones who do unspeakable things? She’s kidding, right? They don’t deserve a happy anything, in my book, let alone a day that recognises them.

Perhaps I’m feeling stung it’s because I didn’t have to ring him and wish him happy birthday, or feign interest in father’s day, which is something I did every year, though I’ve no idea why (except to keep the peace). Perhaps it’s because I didn’t have to buy him a gift only to have him tell me it was cr*p. Perhaps it’s because I realise how dysfunctional his behaviour was, and know now that I deserved better. I don’t know.

My mother also had her major surgery a few days ago. She’s doing ok, although it’s difficult seeing her so frail, doped up, in pain, attached to a bunch of machines. Much more difficult than I imagined. She was a little emotional today about my father’s birthday – go figure? – though I’m sure it was the drugs talking.

Perhaps I’m also stung because my father isn’t here to not give a sh*t about my mother’s health. He wouldn’t have. Couldn’t have cared less. Perhaps his physical absence is a reminder of all the times he was emotionally absent as well. I don’t know.

Last week the Wonder Therapist talked about me needing someone who will scoop me up at the end of a rough day. I needed scooping up today, it was a rough day. And yet, again, I was reminded there isn’t anyone.

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10 thoughts on “Anniversaries

  1. I’m sorry Kerro. I wish I could scoop you up and take care of you. You do deserve it and I hope you find someone irl who can do that for you. I’m glad you are through the first anniversary of his birthday and father’s day. I hope your mother recovers quickly.

    Hugs,
    Di

  2. Hey Kerro, fathers day AND birthday AND mother in hospital? I’d be a mess! I actually dont know when my f/a has his birthday. I am feeling grateful for that now. Virtual hug to you, Kerro, hang in thee. SDW

  3. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry you have no one to lean on, and scoop you up at the end of the day. I’m sorry you’re going through so much outside of the grieving process, and I hope your mother recovers quickly – it is scary to see people who are usually so strong/stoic/hard, being so vulnerable and attached to machines.

    I’m curious… I wonder what the reaction would have been, if your nations leader had wished “good” or “deserving” fathers a happy father’s day? Would it have sparked debate? I wonder.

    Take care,
    CG

  4. We can scoop you up in our arms on the interwebs and cradle you between us all. You are not alone. You have many friends who love you here.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. @ Di – thanks, I’m glad to be past the first birthday and first father’s day. Just his name day and Christmas to go, I guess, although I’m told these things (the feelings, not the actual anniversary) sneak up on you sometimes. Thanks for the scooping.

    @ Bird – yep, they are. Thanks for the scooping.

    @ Sword Dancer – yea, I know, it’s a mess; I’m a mess. Well, not quite, although I am feeling pretty fragile. I’m doing ok, hanging on, if only by my finger nails sometimes. Trying also to remember that this is a particularly rough time, and it will pass. Hugs back to you, if wanted. Oh, and I’ve been meaning to tell you, my therapist used the phrase “dancing on his grave” recently, in relation to my father – I thought immediately of you 🙂

    @ Castorgirl – thank you. It is scary to see the strong ones so vulnerable. In some ways it’s a good reminder that somewhere inside we are all small and vulnerable, even if some of us do a sterling job of hiding it sometimes. Interesting, I’ve wondered what would have happened if the leader had wished “good” fathers a happy father’s day. No doubt she would have been ridiculed. A no win situation, perhaps?

    @ Kate – Thank you, too, for the scooping.

  6. Hang in there. Dealing with a parent’s death and serious illness in the other parent is difficult, and it is made so incredibly complicated by a dysfunctional, hurtful history with those parents. For me, it was very confusing.

    For what it’s worth, I would very much like to be scooped up and comforted at days end, too.

    Sending warm thoughts and a gentle hug,
    Lothlorien

  7. You’re doing so well despite not having that holding presence. It’s incredibly hard to deal with the death and illness of parents, and exponentially hard for someone with abuse history. Although it is wonderful to have support … it’s also useful, in a way, to know what you’re really made of when scooping-up isn’t available. And you’re made of strong stuff, Kerro. When you find that reliably supportive presence in your life, it will be amazing, but you’ll also know you can make it on your own. And that knowledge allows such freedom; it’s really valuable.

  8. @ Lothlorien – thanks. I’m sorry you went through this, but I guess eventually we all do. It is a confusing time, sometimes. Sending some scooping back to you.

    @ Same Sky – thanks gorgeous. 🙂

    @ David – thanks. I wish I could believe you that I’m strong and that I’ll one day find that elusive presence. It’s been a bad day (see my next post), I’ll come back another day and try again. But thank you, I do appreciate your comments.

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