Where are the memories?

Life has been a whirlwind this past few weeks. I find myself with little time to myself, little time to reflect. I’m trying to catch up on blogging – give me time peeps!

The absence of my father in my life has been pretty unremarkable. There’s still a few things to tidy up, paperwork to be done, that sort of thing. Occasionally I’ve wondered what he’s doing and then I remember he’s dead, in a “oh yea, that’s right”, kind of way. Beyond that, nothing, really. The relief has continued, as has my mild frustration at playing the condolence game.

A few days ago I found myself wracking my brain, trying to think of positive memories of him. For some reason there aren’t any. Surely there must be some?

I remember one nice thing he used to do for Mum (it’s not record-breaking “nice”, but about the nicest I could come up with) – he used to take the dog for a walk in the morning, and would bring Mum a flower or a feather he found that she might like. That’s something nice, isn’t it?

Aside from that my memory is blank. The last gift he bought me of his own choosing was a book. I was three years old. That’s 27 years ago.

Of course my mother and I have taken some perverse pleasure in some of his behaviour over the years. English was his second language so he would often say or write something that wasn’t quite right – like the time he said he was “dying of salvation” instead of “dying of starvation”; and the time he wrote “retard” as his occupation, when he meant “retired”. Of course that one left Mum and I in hysterics. Doubled over, eye watering hysterics.

It’s sad I don’t have any positive memories. Have I blocked them out? Possibly there’s one thing – until about five years ago he used to wash my car on the weekends when I’d visit. Is that nice, or normal? I can’t tell. The line between normal, abnormal and nice is so f*cked up and blurred for me. That’s wrong.


7 thoughts on “Where are the memories?

  1. It’s okay not to have any (or few) positive memories. I don’t have much either. I used to feel guilty for even having positive memories of him, since he was so evil in general, it was like I’d been duped or something, enjoying something we’d done together, like singing when I was younger.

  2. Think it’s possible you blocked out the positive things – having a mixture of good and bad stuff can be confusing, sometimes it seems like you can only believe one set or the other. But sounds like there might not have been many positive things anyway, so maybe not many things to remember.
    Ok not to remember good things and I’m glad you still feel relief. Love the one about his occupation 🙂
    Take gentle care,

  3. Give it time Kerro. There might not be many good memories, or they might be there, hiding behind the grief of not having the father you deserved.

    Go gently,

  4. Oh dear, such wonderful comments and I haven’t responded. I’m sorry.

    @ Sword Dancer – I’m curious about your guilt of the positive memories. I’ve felt a little guilt lately at the negative ones – especially with the messages my mother and I received when he died. All these people who remembered him as a kind and funny man, always going out of his way to help others. Such a contrast to the man I remember.

    @ Bay – perhaps you’re right. I do have a tendency to view things in black and white terms, which is super confusing when the black and white co-exist. Nothing positive has emerged since I wrote this post, though.

    @ Castor – I guess those positive memories are still hiding. I still don’t remember any. I’m still not sorry he’s dead; just sorry I never had a decent father.

  5. Hi Kerro,

    I don’t have any good memories of my mother either. I really don’t think they are there. I do have some of my non-abuser father and will share some with you. He used to love to take me and my young siblings swimming. He would drive us to the local watering hole and we loved to be in the water, so it was always a wonderful time. I especially liked the walk to the beach with them. I am imagining you there dressed in a swimsuit, we are all happy and laughing and excited to go swimming and then we do. In the evenings he used to love to go for a drive and we would all get in the car and go to get ice cream. 🙂

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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