I’m free!

I visited my father at the funeral home yesterday. My mother and I decided there would be no funeral. She used her illness as an excuse, but really, the truth of it is that neither of us could bear the hypocrisy of a funeral. People offering condolences, eulogising him – it all makes me want to vomit. So no funeral, but I did need proof that it’s real, so I visited him at the funeral home.

The funeral people had set aside a private room for me – just me and the coffin, the flowers and some candles. All very nice, or would have been if I was bereft in any way. The funeral home guy was all very serious and respectful – as they all have been – and I initially played serious in return. It’s almost comical us playing this game given the circumstances.

When I first saw the coffin I couldn’t believe it was him – it looked so small! This might sound weird, but I needed proof. I needed to see his body to know that he really is dead. Funeral home guy lifted the lid of the casket and left me alone.

I admit I was a little scared at first – I’ve never seen a dead body before, and I wasn’t sure how I would react. When I first looked at him, it kind of took my breath away – he looked so pale, so small and so powerless. That feeling lasted barely a nanosecond before I realised it really was him. He really is dead!

I told him he was a son of a b**** and that he’d made my life hell (and my mother’s). I told him I wasn’t sorry that he was dead, and that I hoped he’d rot in hell.

I cried a bit – at least another ten tears since the six I shed on Sunday when he died. They weren’t tears of sadness, though, but tears over the wrongs he committed, and tears of relief.

I stood there for a minute, looking out over the gardens. Something felt wrong. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it, and then I realised – it was the first time I’d been in a room with my father and he couldn’t answer back; couldn’t be abusive. The first time I’d been in a room with him and the air wasn’t thick with tension. It felt unusually peaceful.

I realised then that I’m free. I am finally, and forever, free. He can never hurt me again. I can’t tell you how great that feels! 🙂

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17 thoughts on “I’m free!

  1. This makes me cry a little. I’m really happy for you. Yay! I’m glad you don’t have to do anything hypocritical. Perfect. I hope I get to see my father dead too.
    SDW

  2. @ Di – thank you. You’re right, I always did deserve peace and safety. I deserved better than I got. That’s a difficult thing to face, but one we’re both doing better at. 🙂

    @ Sword Dancer – Oh I’m sorry you cried, though I’m assuming they were tears of happiness? It is perfect, isn’t it? He would have liked the world’s biggest funeral with mourners falling about all over the place. He got what he deserved in the end. 🙂

    @ Sanity – thank you. The peace is wonderful 🙂

    @ Phoenix – I can’t guarantee your emancipation, though I hope it’s like this for you. My therapist says you never know how you’ll react until it happens – sometimes people surprise her and find feelings they never knew they had, despite the abuse. I really do hope you find the peace and freedom that you also deserve. 🙂

  3. Kerro

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes too, was imagining that moment of realising you are free. I hope that your feedom from him gives you peace and healing.

    Fain

  4. Glad you decided against a funeral. Son of a b%$!& sure don’t deserve one.
    Glad you went to check he really was dead.
    Glad he was.
    Glad you could finally tell him what you thought of him without him answering back.
    (I hope he was listening)
    Glad you feel free.

    Is it ok for me to say we’re more than a tiny bit jealous? 😉

    Bay

  5. Dear Kerro,

    I’m glad that you were able to avoid the funeral. It was a very powerful time being there with him and he could not do or say anything. You are free. I am glad for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  6. @ Fain – gosh Fain, I didn’t mean to make you cry, too. I’m really hoping this is the start of a new chapter in my life, and in my healing, too. Thank you.

    @ Bay – Thanks Bay. It’s good to hear people confirm I’m doing the right thing, not having a funeral, saying my piece and all that. I think there’s a small part of me somewhere who thinks I’m slightly awful, although I know that’s not true. Just societal expectations or something, I think. Of course it’s ok to be jealous, but I must reiterate what I said earlier about never knowing how you’ll feel until it happens. You just never know.

    @ Samy Sky – thank you. 🙂

    @ Castorgirl – thanks hun. 🙂

    @ Kate – yes, it was powerful being there with him and seeing him totally powerless. It was truly empowering. 🙂

  7. I’m glad they were good tears Fain. Funny, I had no idea this post would make so many people cry. I had no idea how much we were all craving that freedom. I hope we all have it one day.

  8. You’re definitely not even slightly awful.
    I know you’re right about not knowing how you’ll feel until it happens. And really we want him to stick around a bit longer for practical reasons, but still, we’re jealous.
    Bay

  9. So glad that you and your mom are skipping the funeral — and that you got to see him, finally, powerless. Much love to you.

  10. I’m so happy for you 🙂
    I think it was important to visit him one last time, to be sure he’s really dead. Otherwise some little ones would have thought it was another trick. They wouldn’t have believed it. I’m glad you did it and that you’ve expressed what you think from him. We would have done the same.
    It must be such a big relief. I understand Bay. We’re are a little bit jealous too 😉
    (((Kerro)))

  11. @ Bay – thank you, I’m glad you don’t think I’m awful. I know I’m not, but there’s always that niggle inside.

    @ David – Thanks, I’m glad I don’t have to endure the funereal charade, too. Much love back to you. 😉

    @ Lost Shadow Child – thank you, too. You’re right, it was important for me to see him one last time. There is a part of me who thought it was a trick – until I saw him I expected someone to ring and say they’d made a mistake, that he wasn’t dead after all. Now I have the proof. It’s such a relief, although some more complicated feelings are emerging – still a relief, just a bit messy. I’ll blog more on this, no doubt. Thanks again. ((hugs)) to you as well, if wanted.

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