This is it.

My father died today. Finally, after many posts wondering if it was time, today was the day.

The nursing home rang early this morning (6.20am to be precise. On a Sunday. Grrr.) and said he wasn’t well and I “should” visit. Even with the DNR in place they rang to see what they should do. Idiots.

I’m feeling fine. Mostly I’m relieved, but there’s a part of me who’s sad-ish – mostly because I don’t care, and because I never had a decent father. I’m sure that over time this will bring up a whole lot of stuff, so I’m trying to just go with whatever I’m feeling and whatever’s happening.

The thing I’m finding most difficult right now is the charade. People saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” and me thinking “yea. right.”

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20 thoughts on “This is it.

  1. There are very few people worthy of what is said about them after they’ve passed.

    I’m sorry you never had a father who cared and loved you for yourself. I’m sorry you, and he, missed out on that opportunity.

    I wonder if the nursing home has had lawsuits about not informing relatives, or following DNR’s which the family didn’t really want to enforce… that’s the only explanation that I can think of for the way they acted. Well, besides being incompetent.

    Go gently,
    CG

  2. I’m sorry that you will now have to deal with the aftermath of other people wanting to express their grief. Is there perhaps a sense of hope that you’re finally finished with this part of your life though?

    Much love and hugs!

  3. Wow. Not a moment too soon.

    How is your mom doing with this? I have a bit of trepidation that between the cancer, and your father’s death, she may kind of try to suck the life out of you. I also think you are strong enough not to let her.

    I wish you’d had the father you deserve, Kerro. And I hope that glimmers of that kind of caring and protection will come to you through other people you meet and know throughout your life. The one tiny saving grace for those of us whose parents didn’t take care of us as they should have is that love, mentoring, and protection can come from lots of different people. It’s by no means the same as having a functional parent, but it’s still possible to get a little of what you should have had, from people who are good and generous, and willing to show up in ways that count.

    And best of luck to you in the smiling, nodding, and gritting your teeth. I’ll be doing the same thing someday.

  4. We hear and understand your relief. Hope you can keep others and their comments at an appropriate distance. You deserved a kind and caring father, I’m sorry you never had that.
    May this bring you peace and healing.
    Be gentle with yourself.
    Bay

  5. When I heard last March that my father had died, I experienced relief, and maybe a bit of worry that I didn’t feel more. As others have said above, you deserved a father that was deserving of you and it is sad that you never had that.

    May there be much love in your life which you so richly are entitled to. Some of that love to you comes from me.

  6. Thanks to all of you for your love and support.

    @ Castorgirl – thank you, that’s so true. People do eulogise the dead, even (or especially) when they don’t deserve it. Thanks for saying that about not having a father who cared for or loved me. I think that’s the thing I’m saddest about at the moment.

    @ Sanity – thanks, and yes, there is a sense of relief that this is finally over. Thank god.

    @ David – Indeed, not a moment too soon. My Mum is doing fine, so far, although we are both a bit snippy. We had some unprecedented moments of emotional support and openness yesterday, though they are clearly back in the box today. Thanks for reminding me that love, caring and protection come from lots of people, including you lot in the blogosphere – that really is a blessing. I’ll be sure to pass on any tips about the smiling, nodding and gritting of teeth!

    @ Bay – Thanks, I’m hoping this is the beginning of a new chapter of peace and healing.

    @ Bird – nice to see you back in the blogosphere! Yes, there is certainly relief, possibly some guilt that I don’t feel more (combined with a mental reminder that I don’t need to feel guilty). You and I, and the many others here, all deserved better fathers. It is sad we didn’t have that.

  7. I understand there’s a part who is sad and feeling the relief….I’m sorry you never had a caring father.
    I wish you strength. Strength for the next days when people make their condolences.
    Take good care of yourself in the next days. Thinking of you.
    LSC

  8. Your father is your abuser, right? If so, congratulations on his death. You survived what he did, you didn’t let it destroy you, you have outlived him, and he can’t hurt you any more. It seems to me that you lost the father you should have had a long time ago, and you’ve likely already been grieving it, but it makes sense you would grieve that father now too.

    If people say stupid things, looking at them and saying nothing will likely work if you can’t think of anything that satisfies you to say. They will write it off to grief and hopefully it will shut them off.

    I’m glad you are free of him.
    Blessings,
    SDW

  9. Dear Kerro,

    I’m sorry that you have to go through the trappings of the loss of a good father. I remember how hard that was, going through the loss of an alcholic father. It sucked. What hurt me most was the father he had never been. I’m sorry you are going through that. Be gentle as much as you can with you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  10. @ Sword Dancer – thank you. Yes, my father was my main abuser. It’s so nice to have all of you in the blogosphere with whom I can be honest, and who can be honest with me. No pretending, and no hypocrisy. I’m glad I’m free of him, too – or almost. I’m going to the funeral home tomorrow to make sure he’s dead, and say good riddance. I’m still sad that I can’t be sad – that in itself is a sad thing (as is using the word sad so many times in one sentence!)

    @ Kate – Yes, I’ve heard that the grief – and final loss of all hope – of never having a decent father (or mother, or whatever) is one of the hardest things for survivors. So far I’m doing ok (fine in fact). I’m trying hard to be gentle, and just go with the flow – certainly not punishing myself for anything, that’s for sure. Good and healing thoughts to you too.

  11. Thanks Same Sky. There is sadness – mostly over what I never had, but also because it’s sad that I don’t care. I know he doesn’t deserve it, but it’s sad that his life has come to this. Or that anyone’s life would come to this. He’s reaping what he sowed, I guess.

  12. First of all, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
    Second, I so totally understand your mixed feelings and the feelings of charade. I went through the same thing when my mother passed away. It is tough.
    Hang in there,
    Lothlorien

  13. There must be so many mixed emotions right now. And then to deal with people making insensitive remarks, although perhaps they really don’t mean any harm, they just don’t know the right thing to say? I wonder what would happen if you replied with, “Good riddance.” It’s great that you can be honest and open on the blog, and don’t have to falsify what you are truly feeling.

  14. @ Lothlorien – thanks. The mixed feelings are oddly difficult, and I’m sorry you had to endure that as well. I’m hanging in – in fact doing well. 🙂

    @ Harriet – Thanks for commenting. LOL I wonder about people’s reactions to “good riddance”, too. Mostly I just smile and say “thank you” through gritted teeth. At least I have the blogosphere, and some friends irl, to be honest with.

  15. Sounds like a very complicated situation. I’m new to your blog so I don’t know your story, but I do know the whole walking on eggshells routine that goes with death is so draining. I can only imagine what it is like when you have bad history with the one who died.

    The great thing about the blogosphere is that you don’t have to fake a single thing with us.

    Death sucks, but sometimes it can be such a blessing.

  16. Hi Lily – thanks for commenting. Like you I’m on the healing path – my father was my main abuser. His death is indeed a blessing.

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