My head hurts

Does this image hurt your head? It does mine.

This is what it’s like inside my head at the moment – thoughts racing this way and that, too many things to deal with, it’s all a blur.

Yet again I seem to have taken on too much, and yet again it’s left me feeling overwhelmed. Although for good reason, and not necessarily my fault for everything that’s happening. There’s work issues, my mother’s cancer, my own health issues, issues with friends, blah blah blah. It’s not like I’m freaking out over spilt milk.

The thing that’s most consuming my thoughts right at this moment is work. My relationship with my manager has sunk to an intolerable level, to the extent that I would label her behaviour bullying and harassment. It’s brought back a whole lot of “stuff” from when Things Fell Apart – interactions with her (whether by phone, email or in person) literally now leave me shaking and panic struck.

The good news is that I’ve been offered another job. I have resigned and start my new job in about four weeks. I’m looking forward to the new work – it’s more up my alley, I’ll be working with people like me in a professional sense, and I have worked with the boss there before, so I know it won’t be all triggery and yuck.

At the same time I’m upset at the way things have gone in my current work. I think about my boss and I start shaking. That’s not good. I’m also scared of the new job – I’m wondering if I can do it, I feel like a failure where I am (though I know I’m not) … these thoughts just keep racing through my head.

And then there’s my health issues, which don’t seem to be going in the direction I’d hoped. I need to think about some options, but I can’t. There’s just too many and I’m not ready to deal with them. May be the work issues are taking up too much space?

And then there’s friends, some of whom have said insensitive things to me. And one of whom I’ve said insensitive things to and now I’m in a panic that I’ve ruined our friendship. I’m really sorry I hurt this person, it certainly wasn’t my intention, and I don’t know what else to do about it. I am hoping she’ll forgive me.

It’s noisy and messy in my head, and I don’t like it. I want to run away, never come back, crawl into a dark hole and stay there in the foetal position. I know none of that will help, so I’m just trying to sit with how I feel. Man, that’s hard… and then the thoughts race again and it’s all a blur.

6 thoughts on “My head hurts

  1. I’m sorry things are so rushed and disturbing. It is completely understandable that you would feel that way with so many different areas of your life in turmoil. Any one of those things would be a significant stressor. I hope the change of job helps. I had a boss like that once and things did improve when I finally changed jobs. I hope that you get good news about you and your mother’s health soon.


  2. I’m so happy that you found another job where you think it will be better for you. Maybe your short break before the start of your new job will help to recharge your batteries a bit.

  3. That photograph is scary busy!

    A change in jobs sounds like a really positive step… If your boss is effecting you that badly, then it’s time to move on. A break between jobs sounds even better… take some time to relax and chill out after all of the stress you’ve been under. Giving yourself that space might help with the other decisions too??

    Take care,

  4. Blurs make me very off balance and upset. Sorry you are going through that and from what you are sharing, you have every reason to be feeling that way.

    I’m so glad that you are moving on to another job. You deserve that so much. You have tons of work skills and deserve to be well treated by a boss. I am outraged that this person treats you in this manner.

    I can understand your saying something you regret. You are going through so much. It is hard to be good and kind all the time. I hope that you can resolve it and sorry it is a worry for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  5. @ Di – thanks, yes I’m hoping the change of job helps too. Even if that’s only one thing that goes right, hopefully it is enough to keep me going. Thanks for your good wishes on the health front.

    @ Sanity – Thank you. I’m taking (another) holiday – more sun, sand, surf – so hopefully that will recharge both my batteries and my Teflon coating.

    @ Castorgirl – Thanks, yes, it is time to move on. I’m hoping you’re right and the space and positivity in one area will spill over to others – or at least give me the strength to deal with the others.

    @ Kate – This blur has make me off balance and upset, too. It’s so much harder to deal with anything when in this space. Btw, the Wonder Therapist says that horrible boss doesn’t deserve me! 🙂

  6. Again, another reason for me to love the Wonder Therapist. The horrible boss doesn’t deserve you!

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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