The trigger train

I visited my father in the nursing home this weekend. I won’t go on about how that place gives me the creeps, or how tedious it is listening to my father talk about himself without even asking my mother how her cancer treatment is going… *sigh*

What I will say is I was amazed to be almost struck by the trigger train again. It’s been a while since that train stopped at my station. It happened as I was leaving, and my father gave indications that he wanted me to kiss him good-bye. No way. Not on your life. Uh uh. Nope. The idea of touching him makes my skin crawl and makes me shudder. I left feeling like I needed a shower. Yuck.

I wish I didn’t feel like that. I wish I had the kind of relationship with a father where the idea of touching him wasn’t a signal for the trigger train to come on through. But I don’t. I never have had, and never will have. If I think about this too much it makes me sad – firstly that I never had such a father, and secondly, that my father gives me the creeps (even if my rational brain knows that’s ok). I’m hoping one day it won’t affect me.

What I am pleased about is that I saw the trigger train coming around the bend and headed it off at the pass, diverted it onto another track, so to speak. I could still feel the train going past, but was able to hold it together. I’m also pleased that the drive to my parents’ house is no longer filled with anxiety now that he’s in the nursing home. 🙂

My father’s health is declining. Again. I’ve written on this topic more times than I care to think about. I can’t help thinking, “is this is?” though I feel like I’m jinxing myself for saying that. It’s as David once said: “I wish he’d just get it the hell over with.” Yep, me too.

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11 thoughts on “The trigger train

  1. I’m curious. Why do you go see him? I’m not being snide, I “respond” to my mother in a similar fashon. She was never my abuser, except that she has never really liked me or cared about my well being. She’s even mean to me at times. So, I’m wondering if you have ever thot of just not going to see your dad, ever. Is it out of responsibility, social pressure, respect? I don’t know why I continue to pay tribute to my mother…

  2. I’m glad you were able to keep it together Kerro, and able to divert the trigger train… awesome skills.

    I understand the grieving involved in realising that you’ll never have the relationship with your father that you would have liked, and not having a positive father to help you achieve that relationship.

    Take care,
    CG

  3. @ Ivory – you know, that’s an interesting question, and one I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. Why do I visit him? Who knows? At first I figured that seeing him in the nursing home for half an hour was far less painful and triggering than being subjected to him at the house, where I’d be stuck for something like four, eight, or 20 hours.

    The Wonder Therapist asked me this question as well, and I’m really not sure. May be I do care, after all? May be it’s that little bit of “hope” that she says will never die until he does? May be it’s old habits? May be it’s because I think it’s what I “should” do? Or that it’s the “right” thing to do? May be I’m just slow on the uptake? I don’t know. The WT is away at the moment so I’m hoping to explore this a bit with Back Up Therapist – no doubt I’ll get a higher level of ranting from her, in a nice way, but I’m interested in her perspective anyway (although I think I already know what it will be LOL).

    @ Castorgirl – Thanks. I’m glad, but also sorry, that you understand. ((hugs))

  4. The creeped out feeling is your intuition affirming that you can’t trust this guy. I know you know that in your head as well, but our bodies need to remind us too, even when we wish they didn’t. It means you can try to learn to trust your intuition more, it is just trying to lead you, but we have to decide if we are going to follow. Once we do follow the intuition can get stronger and more accurate on many ways and areas of your life.

    And your father was affirming that he is still a sex offender. I well remember that creeped out feeling. I only wish I had been able to listen to it more.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. I immediately wondered why you saw him. But, as you said, hope is powerful. And that’s a good quality you have. Glad you were able to recognize the warning signs and keep yourself safe. Good for you!

  6. @ Kate – I like the idea that the creeped out feeling is my intuition warning me, so to speak. A much nicer thought than some horror of the past coming back to haunt me. 🙂

    @ Paul – Thanks Paul. I’m glad, too. 🙂

    @ Sanity – yea, I don’t know how I cope sometimes, I just do. May be there really is method in the madness of therapy because I think I’m finding it easier to cope, as time goes on. 🙂

  7. (((K))) I’m proud of you for being able to recognize the Trigger Train and divert it. When your body told you to beware, you responded by diverting the train, which let yourself know that you heard the warning and you are safe and aware and won’t allow anything harmful to happen. You’ve taken away any control he used to have and now you are in charge. That is awesome!

    I wish, also, that you didn’t have to go through that, but I am very impressed with how you are taking care of yourself!

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