I’ve nearly been in my new job three months. Hard to believe, I know. I’m still enjoying it, which is good news. Two things puzzle me, though.
The first is the triggery nature of the work. I never expected that. I should have, because some of it is so obviously triggering – stuff like child trafficking for s*xual exploitation. Yea, I know, I should have seen that coming. Doh.
Some of the other content is triggering for me as well, though in ways I can’t explain. This week, for example, I was at a seminar thingy and we were watching a video interview with a girl in a far off place. She’s only 12, this girl, yet head of her household, living in the most dire circumstances. Hideous.
Just when I wasn’t paying attention, the triggery thing crept up on me, and I found myself spacing out and fighting back tears. I was a space cadet for the rest of the day, really weirded out. To the extent that when I was in a meeting later that day, I thought I wasn’t there. I was looking at this person, larger than life, like on a movie screen, trying to concentrate on what she was saying. I have no idea why that happened, but I hate it when it does.
The second thing that’s puzzling me is my performance review yesterday. It was all good, so nothing to worry about there. What is puzzling me is what my boss said about me. Things like:*
- That I’m smart, and pick things up quickly
- That I have good insights and offer good contributions, and that I’m strategic when I do
- That I’m clearly well skilled at what I do
- That I’m a good communicator
- That I’m a good problem solver
- That I’m good at pulling together resources and figuring out how best to get things done
- That I’ve built good relationships with people in my team, and beyond
- That I focus on outcomes
- That I get things done
All good things, I know that. But things I don’t recognise as me.
Coincidentally, many of these are things my therapist has said about me, too. Who they are both talking about is just beyond me, coz it sure ain’t “me”!?!?
In completely unrelated news … I found this today. It made me LOL
* I’ve put these things here just for my own reference, not so you’ll tell me I’m good or anything. Just needed to clarify that.