The Great Leap Forward

I am a political junkie. Or at least I used to be. But that’s not what this is about.

Not-so-Nice Guy came back on the scene a few weeks ago. He contacted me to say he was sorry for being such a “b*st*rd” (to use his word). Yes, he was.

Don’t get excited: he still is (and I can think of a few other expletives to add to his list, too).

This time around NSNG didn’t wait too long before pressuring me to do some Things I was entirely uncomfortable with. We discussed these Things. At length. Repeatedly. Ad nauseum. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. (The Things he wanted were s*xual, sordid and deviantly s*xual, but I’m not going into the details because I don’t want to trigger anyone – let alone me.)

I even said to him that it was the Things, or me. I didn’t say that to blackmail him, but because I realised this was a deal breaker for me. All I got from him in recent times was trigger after trigger after trigger. Looking back, I should have seen the signs earlier.

He knew a little of my past in this area, but still wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Then he accused me of trying to “control” him because I wouldn’t do the Things (and because I wanted him to make a time to catch up this week, before I go away for three weeks).

Finally I said to him:

“Well, if standing up for myself makes me ‘controlling’, then GO ME, I say!”

It’s only taken me a few decades, but I finally managed to stand up for myself. Can I just say that it feels GREAT! Better than great… just, well, GREAT! 🙂 I’m soooo proud of myself, and the Wonder Therapist is delighted, too. 🙂

I’m still upset about tossing him to the kerb, mostly because it’s bringing up all sorts of old messages about me being useless, a failure, blah blah blah. But rationally I know this is for the best. I know (and almost believe) that I deserve better.

I deserve someone who thinks I’m amazing… like this schmaltzy clip … I have no idea where to find it, but I’m starting to believe that I deserve it. 🙂

So that, my friends, is The Great Leap Forward of 2010. 🙂


20 thoughts on “The Great Leap Forward

  1. How many decades was that?? mwahahaha 🙂

    I’m glad you kicked him to the curb. You do deserve better. It’s awesome that you are realising that, and even better that you’re starting to believe it!

    Interesting how he said you were trying to control him, when in reality it was part of his attempts to control and manipulate you…

    Take care,

  2. Oh yeah, because having sexual preferences and self respect is sooooo controlling. What a twat. Good for you Kerro! You deserve a lovely guy, not some deviant pervy man-child who has a tantrum when he doesn’t get his own way! You ARE awesome!

    Lola x

  3. Good for you! I’m glad not only that you did this, but that looking back, you can identify the warning signals. You’ll be able to integrate that into your knowledge base for next time. No good, loving, decent man who respects you will *ever* pull this kind of shit. And you have every right to wait for someone whose idea of intimacy is the same as yours.

  4. Congrats on the Great Leap forward of 2010!!! You deserve much better than this and I hope you and PNG (potential new guy) find each other soon.


  5. Good for you! You aren’t obligated to provide his needs just because you are female. He obviously thinks you do. His loss for not respecting you.

  6. Thanks everyone. Great, huh! This is one of those times when the messages inside are conflicting and hard. My “natural” (though learned) inclination was to let him do whatever he wanted… the inner voice said no. I’m glad I listened. 🙂

    @ Castor Girl – shuddup about those decades LOL

    @ David – any idea where I find those “good, loving, decent” men?? I’m not having much luck.

  7. Great! Go You.

    Projection much?! What a total control abuser. What a fucking jerk. Good for you for not being a good little victim. Huge deal.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  8. @ Kerro — The decent guys exist just about everywhere, though they’re often overlooked. However, my guess is that, as is the case with *everyone* who is on a journey of overcoming an abusive past, you had to do this step of saying no to NSNG before being really ready for a genuine relationship … the piece where you see what you don’t want, and you walk away from it before you fall back into an old pattern, is really important. It gives you so much more authority and autonomy, and allows you to come from a place of different grounding and strength. You may go through a couple more NSNGs before you find a real NG. But I know he’s out there. I know this because I deal with so many people in the course of my job … and I see good couples. I see bad couples, too, but I see plenty of good solid matches between people who care about each other. So I know there are NGs out there. 🙂

  9. Ok, coming out of lurk mode to say…
    You go Kerro, and you did it ladylike to boot!
    (hmmm, boot… I think he still deserves a swift one to the macaroons!)
    So very proud of you, Congratulations 🙂

  10. Pingback: Reflections on 2010 « Kerro's Korner

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