It’s been a tough week. I still feel triggery and jumpy. I’m still depressed. Bottom of the pit depressed. The urge to hurt myself, and end this futile existence, has loomed large. I saw the Wonder Therapist at the start of the week. She helped me feel a little less disconnected, and a little more focussed on safety. That’s good, I guess. She also rammed home that she thinks I’m being unduly hard on myself. Who? Me?
It struck me today (three days after my therapy session) that I’ve had a lot on, and I have been flagellating myself. Between medical appointments, job interviews, post-operative recovery… it’s a lot. That’s not an excuse for how I’m feeling, but it’s certainly added to the weight I’m carrying.
The pointlessness of life, the space I waste on this earth… this has also been a heavy load. It’s only thanks to the support of friends (you know who you are), and my therapist, that I haven’t acted. Part of me knows, I guess, that this is just the inner critic poking and prodding me again. But is that enough? I mean, is it enough to know that my therapist says this will pass, that friends want me around? I don’t know. Part of me thinks they would all cope without me: my therapist would fill the gaps in her schedule and my friends have their own lives.
I know I’ve been isolating myself, and I know that’s not a good thing. Animals retreat from the world when injured, to lick their wounds. It’s animal instinct. No wonder it feels count-intuitive to socialise at times like this.
I flicked around the internet trying to find something to shift my mind. I found a couple of things that helped.
One talked about not fighting my thoughts and feelings, but acknowledging and accepting them without judgement. It said that I should recognise that I experience a range of thoughts and feelings beyond the hell I’m currently in. Each state is temporary, and each will pass. That helped. Not so much the temporariness, but the acknowledgement and acceptance. Sitting with the thoughts and feelings, I suppose, even the bad ones. It’s helping me recognise these as feelings, but also focus on being safe.
The other thing that helped was thinking about a time and place where I feel safe, relaxed and comfortable. I visualised myself in my favourite place, and immediately felt calmer.
The thoughts are still there, but I’m trying to sit with them. I’m so incredibly exhausted that it’s not too hard to just sit. I’ve been sleeping a lot. That helps to pass the time. Or rather, I should say, I’ve been sleeping a lot during the day… the nights have been restless, wakeful, annoying.
I’m hoping this will pass soon. It’s ghastly. I’d like to be happy. Actually I’m desperate to be happy, but for some reason the universe seems to be conspiring against me.