Puzzled and pointless

I’m still feeling wretched. I have moments of feeling ok – like the first twenty seconds of being awake, until I remember what has happened – and then I fall apart again. I thought I was ok to go to work today, but as soon as I left the house the tears started again (actually they started in the shower, but you don’t need those details). It’s like in the early days when I didn’t understand how the world could go on; when everything in my world seems to be falling apart.

I can’t sleep. I’m not hungry. Everything just feels wrong and I feel broken. The food thing has me puzzled, as I’ve traditionally been captain of the binge eating club to squash any emotions. Why not this time, too?

I haven’t been able to see my therapist yet. She wasn’t able to see me last night as there were workmen at her office. I’m pleased she didn’t subject me to them or their noise, as tradesmen are a big trigger for me. I’ll see her tonight instead. (For those of you worried that I won’t go, I will. She shuffled another client around to see me, so I will go, if for no other reason that not to muck her about given she did this.)

I’m puzzled that you all seem to think this wasn’t my fault, that there’s not something inherently wrong with me. If there’s not, then why can’t I find anyone who wants to be with me? For some reason the universe has seen fit to deny me the things I most desire. I don’t understand why.

I never thought there was much hope, but my therapist thought there was. So I put my faith in her. Silly, silly me. That’s only led to heartache and pain, as I should have known it would.

There seems no point to anything anymore. I can’t see how I’ll get over this. I know I can’t go back to hiding in loneliness and isolation. But I also can’t go forward. That’s where my thoughts turn to the pills.


13 thoughts on “Puzzled and pointless

  1. Kerro – I read your post and could totally relate to everything in it. I have been there too and although it doesn’t seem like it, things WILL get better. When my ex broke up with me in an email 10 days before I was due to go visit him, I was BEREFT. I was totally broken and I strongly believed that was IT…this time was IT. I went around and around and around in a loop of “why” “why” “why”….why wasn’t I good enough….why did I believe he cared….why did I think it would be different….why did I think I’d ever find someone who loved me. It took me MONTHS to get over it. I remember my cousin saying that one day I’d realise that I’d not thought about it for a little while. At the time my thoughts were CONSTANTLY on him and what had happened and I couldn’t function. I remember thinking “no way…this will never get better”. But slowly, slowly, slowly the phoenix arose, once again, from the ashes.

    Over the past 5 years I have concentrated on me and learning how to make myself happy and not rely on someone else to “validate” me. That’s still very hard and I’ve not succeeded totally. Sometimes I get very sad that at 42 I’m still on my own and all three of my nephews have found soulmates and in May I attended one of their weddings! So, it’s a constant struggle and so I want you to hear that although there are a lot of your posts to which I cannot add a comment because I haven’t experienced it, this is totally familiar to me.

    YOU WILL GET BETTER. You are a worthwhile, loveable human being and you are not defined by what has happened in this situation.

    Please look after yourself and give yourself a break – what’s happened to you is HARD.

    Hugs and thoughts are being sent your way…….

  2. I can really relate too. I often think if there is nothing wrong with me, how can there be something wrong with every other person in the world? That doesn’t make sense! I also relate to your statement about putting faith into your t. I was recently thinking about what I have learned from therapy, and that is that what I knew all along was true – I should never open up to anyone, to trust them, to let my guard down. Because I’ll just get hurt. I need to defend myself at all times. I thought I went to therapy to get past this, not to get this theory reinforced time and again.

    I hope your therapist makes you feel better about yourself tonight, at least a little. I know these things take time.

    I like what the previous commenter said, that we need to be able to validate ourselves and not get our validation from outside sources. I don’t know how to do that though.

  3. I don’t know if there is something inherently wrong with you, but I do recognize that you are identifying yourself by the relationships in your life. You don’t need any to be a wonderful person. Your heart is broken, that doesn’t automatically mean that there is something wrong with you and you are destined to be alone all your life. That is black and white thinking. Find the gray area of your emotions for now until the pain isn’t so great. It will get better. Hugs to you.

  4. I really relate to the feeling of “If there’s nothing wrong with me, then why can’t I find someone who wants to be with me?”

    What was helpful for me when I was really stuck in that very black place were two things.

    One was realizing that it would be quite easy to find someone who wanted to be with me if I had no self-respect, standards, dreams, or goals. I could easily find a partner to use me, to take advantage of me, to abuse me, to walk all over me, to drag me down. But I didn’t want those things, and you don’t want them from the man you’re with. The real thing is harder to find, like anything else worth having … the good stuff doesn’t come as easily, and there are distractions along the way. Some of those distractions are what might be called fool’s gold … it looks like the real thing, but it’s not, and part of what we learn is how to distinguish the real thing from the glittery thing that looks wonderful but doesn’t pan out in the end.

    It is perfectly normal to go from the wrong thing to the not-quite-right thing (usually several times) before the right thing comes along. There is actually a utility to this process, allowing us to acclimate to different levels of functionality and to learn and grow so that we’re more ready for the right thing when it does show up.

    The other thing that helped was to add the word “yet” to the sentence “I haven’t found anyone who wants to be with me.”

    It’s true that you haven’t found the right partner … yet. Its not having happened yet does not mean it won’t ever happen. Some people are more difficult to match than others — not because they are difficult people, but because they know who they are and what they want, and they’re not prepared to settle. My sense is that you are committed to finding a good and healthy relationship, not just anything that comes along. This is good. And it will take longer, like all good things do.

    I know it feels right now as though you will never heal, and never be able to move on, and it’s very bleak and terrible in that space. But the fact of Not-so-Nice-Guy’s rudeness does not determine who you are. You are not defined by him. He is defined by his action, but you are not.

  5. dear kerro, i’ve been continuing thinking of you and sending you peaceful wishes for your healing heart~ i really like what everyone has said so far in support of you. but the comment above by IGMC took the words right out of my mouth. i know a lot of us are saying that just because this guy wasn’t the right person for you doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you and it doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone right for you out there. and i agree with that.

    but it seems like right now, at least for this moment, you’re wanting to stop being oriented towards “finding the right person.” you tried and it was really hard even trying in the first place, and now you are heartbroken. i don’t blame you if the last thing you want to hear right now is that there is still hope and to believe in yourself and keep trying.

    i do think there are plenty of wonderful people in the world and you are every bit as likely as anyone else to find a compatible person who treats you with love and respect. it just happens at different times for different people. so many people never find it at all. some people find it and lose it (like widows). there are so many of us who yearn for love and end up with broken hearts. that’s why when my heart was smashed to bits, i had plenty of great movies and songs i could listen to that helped me feel less alone, helped me heal. i really loved watching movies of people who got dumped at the beginning of the film and ended up happy.

    but what i really like about what IGMC said was the emphasis on you having the power to make yourself happy. that is something i’ve been working on a lot this past year and it has helped me more than anything in my whole life. i think other people are great, but we’re so much better off if we can be happy with or without them. and at the moment, it sounds like trying to think you could depend on someone is not a road you want to venture down again anytime soon. and why should you? after i was dumped, i had no interest in dating anyone for at least a year. i focused on healing myself, on learning to be myself and like who i was, on trying to regain a sense of stability and piecing my heart back together. i felt raw and broken. i was in excruciating pain emotionally and physically (i began to have immobilizing lower back pain at the time of the break-up – amazing how our emotional pain can manifest in our bodies). and so the last thing i wanted to do was to put my heart back in someone else’s hands. i wanted to learn to tend to it myself.

    sending love and warm hugs to you…and i can’t sew, but i can make you an imaginary virtual quilt and send it right now so you can feel comforted and nurtured while you sit on your sofa, listening to something that soothes you~~~

  6. I feel inept at giving advice of any sort but wanted to send you some love, hugs, and emotional support. I hope your appointment with T is helpful for you. Please let us know how things are going. ((((hugs)))

  7. Like Sanity, I feel pretty inept with regards to advice too. I guess though, I’ve had one thought rumbling around and I think it’s a hopeful one so I’ll try to get it out. I think it is true that Not so Nice Guy was immature and disrespectful in ending the relationship the way he did, and there’s no excuse for it and it does not in any way reflect on your worth. It speaks to where his levels of maturity and readiness for a relationship are. But this doesn’t mean that the whole of your time with him was worthless, or that the good things about it weren’t real. I say this because I think that we need to be able to trust ourselves in picking a partner, especially when we are trying to recover from heartbreak and later want to try to move past the fear and try again.

    I also think that those of us with problems that bring us to therapy and deep self reflection, often think that there must be something abnormal in us, and that’s why people break off relationships. Though obviously at some time in our lives this was probably a contributing factor, we are now in therapy and willing to take responsibility for ourselves, and I think that makes us more likely to be able to handle relationships, not less.

    So I guess I’m saying that while this ending is deeply hurtful, in some ways it is also a normal life experience, though not a good one. You didn’t make it happen. It didn’t happen because of something that’s missing in you. It happened because heartbreak happens, and it’s a truly wretched experience. This is why I know you’ll recover, because this is not to do with you as a person. I think it’s to do with the experience of living and that next time around you’ll be able to take the good things that were there with Not so nice guy, and build on them with the next person.

    Also, and this is just my personal philosophy on relationships that helps me a bit – I don’t think there are soulmates. Not in the sense that there’s only one person for us all, anyway. This may sound rather calculating, and totally unromantic, but I think of it as more of a percentage compatability system. We are either more, or less, compatable with people. So I think there are many people with who we could form a relationship, but we want the highest compatibilty we can find, say 80%- 90%, and we know we wouldn’t settle for a 55%. I find that when I think about relationships like this, then it’s not about either person being wrong, or bad, or not worthy. Anyway, it’s just helped me look at past relationships and break-ups a little more gently.

    I really feel for you. If it helps to know of someone else’s wretched break up, so that you know it’s not about you… A guy I was in love with broke up with me a couple of days after taking me to a wedding expo. Here I was thinking he was going to propose, but I guess he was just seeing if he could handle the idea. Aparently, he couldn’t. I did recover in time. I know you will too, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

  8. Others have said it very well, so I’m not giong to repeat.
    What I will repeat is that I’m still here in your corner and I hope you remember the things we spoke about the other day in chat.

  9. What everyone else said and then some…
    You are on my mind, please stay safe.
    Just so you know, everybody in relationships are not “right” for each other, people compromise and sell themselves short everyday, they just about sell their souls.

    You are the most important relationship you’ll ever have, when you are at peace with yourself you won’t feel so lonely.

    Lots of hugs Kerr!

  10. @ IGMC – Thank you for sharing your experience with this. I can see that I won’t always feel this wretched. As for getting “back on the horse” – I’m not sure how, or even if, I can do that. I have never had someone else to “validate” me so I don’t think that’s what this is about for me. For me it’s companionship, partnership, love. On my good days I am happy to be me, I just wish I could find someone else to share life with. Of course, on the not-so-good days, it’s a different story, but I know you understand that story.

    @ Harriet – it’s tempting to say we should never open up, but I’m not sure I believe that. Despite this period in a hot and fiery place, I have learnt through therapy that it’s ok to open up and it’s ok to let the guard down. Some of life’s greatest moments come when you do. Of course, we need to learn when to open up and when not to, but that’s a different lesson. My therapist did make me feel better about myself and the situation, thank you.

    @ Ivory – I’m sorry; I have to disagree with you. I am not a person to identify myself by my relationships. I never have been. That doesn’t mean, though, that I don’t want a relationship for other reasons. I will agree with you on another point, though – I am the Queen of Black and White Thinking!! That’s all there is… grey? What is grey? Is it charcoal? French gray? French gray 50%? Cool grey? Cool grey 20%? Or warm grey? LOL

    @ David – thanks for sharing your wisdom on this. Of course, if I was prepared to put up with any idiot or just wanted s*x, then those things would probably be easy to find. My therapist said this last night, in fact. She also talked about having not-quite-right a few times. I don’t want that. I don’t want multiple partners and I don’t want to have to try and try again multiple times. It’s so damned hard for me. On the other matter, I have always been impressed by people who can add “yet” to those sentences – I’ve just not been able to adopt it… yet!

    @ Katie – Thank you for your good wishes. You’re right – this was incredibly hard for me, so the last thing I want to think about is trying again. Sigh. One of my biggest learnings in therapy is that other people can make you happy. They are part of life’s joys. I don’t have to be stuck in my self-imposed prison. So, whilst I am a very independent person, being with another person is part of the learning for me, not the other way around.

    @ Sanity – Thanks for your support, gorgeous. ((squish))

    @ Cat – Thanks to you too, Cat. You’re right, we do need to trust ourselves. I wasn’t sure I trusted myself in choosing people until the Wonder Therapist said she thought I had a good “radar” (actually I think the term she used was “BS detector”, but you know what I mean). Man, that is so cold of your ex to do that to you over a wedding expo. If he freaked out at white dresses, what about the actual marriage part???

    @ Bird – thank you. I really appreciate your support, on and off-blog. 🙂

    @ Phoenix – I’m trying hard to stay safe, and the Wonder Therapist now has my fairly large stash of pills. Thanks for commenting – I always learn (or laugh) from your perspective. 🙂

  11. Just a quick thought about the “not-quite-right” — that doesn’t mean having multiple partners, necessarily. What it may mean is a series of men whom you date five or six times and then decide to move on from. Your sense of discernment, and your ability to trust yourself, will grow, and you’ll be able to call it quits sooner.

    I had four “near misses” with almost-but-not-quite-right women before meeting the Amazon; I think my longest “try” with one of them was three weeks. None of these test-drives progressed past a good night kiss. In all cases, I had fairly high hopes after the first date, but I listened to every bit of information my gut and brain were giving me, and while I wasn’t overly critical, I was assessing exactly what was going on, and what the motivation was behind it, and looking for red flags (my own personal red flags, which are different from other people’s).

    My point is simply that dating … can be dating. This was a really difficult concept for me, as I’d never dated a woman without it evolving into something serious. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It is possible to take pleasure in the company of someone who’s not right, say thanks, and bid them a slightly wistful farewell. What is very, very hard for those of us who have been emotionally wrecked is not to make dating into a high-stakes gamble. Did you know … there are people who *date for fun*???? No, I’m not kidding! It’s incomprehensible to me, too, but I decided it might not be bad to take a little tiny bitlet of that philosophy with me into my search for Ms. Right … because it was too hard on me, personally, to always have the Sword of Dating Damocles hanging over my head.

    I’ll say this, too — one thing that was immensely helpful to me in moving past the not-quite-right women without getting too involved … was getting up the nerve to ask questions. It saved me a ton of time, and also allowed me to test my perceptions. I remember one woman in particular who said she loved romance novels. That was a huge red flag for me, but I decided I was probably being judgmental. However, rather than dismiss my red flag, I simply said: “What appeals to you about them?” And she gave what was, to me, the death-knell answer: “I wish my life were more like that.” That was what I was pretty sure she’d meant, since she’d had some petty things to say about her own past boyfriends, and boyfriends/husbands of friends … judging on surface behaviors rather than long-term caring, for example. But I saved myself a lot of time — and some potential hurt — by just asking. Because I am so not the romance-novel-hero type. 🙂

  12. @ David – sorry, I was probably mixing up your comments with those of my therapist, who thinks it’s a good idea to date as many people as possible, and possibly even have multiple (non-s*xual) partners which I enjoy for different reasons. The whole idea of that is terrifying to me, and I remember saying to her, “I don’t want twenty – I just want ONE!” She also talked about people who enjoy dating – seriously, what the h*ll is that??? I know she also sees me carry the Sword of Dating Damocles with me, but the whole thing is just so HARD.

    My sense of discernment is pretty good – I can usually tell within one or two dates (even one or two emails/phone calls) if this is a thing worth pursuing. I will usually give people a second go, or at least try to analyse for myself why I’m not interested. Are they boring? Boorish? Or am I just running away?

    I’m also getting pretty good at asking questions. One of the truly telling questions for me is how they speak about previous partners – do they show compassion and kindess, or are their exes the “b*tches from hell”? Even if they are Satan personified, the way they talk about it speaks volumes.

    As for the romance novel – bleuch. I’m glad you ran from that one. I could think of nothing worse than running around in long dresses swooning while Adonis chops wood. Blah.

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