Not-so-Nice – Part 2

Hi everyone

I just wanted to say thank you for all your messages of love and support since yesterday. Ordinarily I’d write you individual replies in the comments, but I’m just not up to that right now, I’m sorry. I do appreciate you all though.

I have cried so much I look like I have black eyes, my nose is raw and I have used an entire box of tissues.

I’m still gutted. I feel raw, fragile and numb all at the same time if that is possible.

The Wonder Therapist, bless her, has offered to see me tonight (Sunday), because she knows how upset I am. She probably also knows how things like this are a fast track to self-loathing for me.

This has brought up all those old feelings of wanting to hurt myself, and worse. It doesn’t matter. Don’t say that it does, because it doesn’t. For all her “wonders”, the Wonder Therapist was wrong about one thing. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. I was a fool to think I did, or that I could have a relationship and family like any “normal” person.

In other news, one of my other Polyvore collages won 3rd place in a competition about isolation. Great (said with all the sarcasm in the world, because I really couldn’t care less right now).

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14 thoughts on “Not-so-Nice – Part 2

  1. dear kerro, i’m so so sorry you are hurting. i can honestly say i feel like i’ve been there. my heart was broken pretty bad once, and it took a lot out of me. pain, tears, and the worst low of my life. worse than anything my family made me feel. and that’s saying a lot.

    but i don’t want to say “me too” or be advicey here. just know that i’m thinking of you and have been and will be. i think crying is good, it helps you release. and the self-loathing i think is a natural reaction. it is for me anyway.

    when we don’t know why we’ve been rejected it’s often our automatic response to assume it’s because there’s something wrong with us.

    i’m sending you loving thoughts and safe warm hugs. not to mention a shoulder to cry on, a box of tissues, and a blanket to cover you up with as you rest~~~

    (((((kerro)))))))

  2. You do matter, and you are a normal person. Dating is hard and can be very dangerous; and it’s most hurtful when there seem to be genuine possibilities that don’t work out. I’ve had similar experiences many times, and if I’m honest, I think I confused several very nice women in the past and hurt them; not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t know how to explain why it wasn’t going to work, so I didn’t try. It was never anything inherently wrong with them; we just weren’t a match, but I didn’t usually go into detail about exactly why. But from having done this myself, I’m completely sure that there’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s not that you don’t matter. It may be that Not-so-NG doesn’t know how to explain himself to himself, never mind trying to explain himself to you. Or he might feel that an explanation would be hurtful even if it’s not personal. Or he may fear that if he explains himself he might be argued with, and he doesn’t want to face that. There are so many things, and none of them have anything to do with your worthiness.

    Reading these last two posts of yours bring back so many bitter memories for me, like …

    … the fascinating musician who kissed me passionately at the end of our second date and then emailed me the next day to say she suddenly felt “smothered” by the idea of “going steady” with anyone, although I’d only invited her to go to a concert the following week

    …the professional editor who seemed to really like me on our first date, and couldn’t get away from me fast enough after our second date

    … the woman who was offended that I didn’t come on to her more strongly, and when I ventured to explain a bit about why that was and where my sensitivities lay, told me I was “way too high-maintenance”

    And you know … even though I am thrilled with the Amazon, a couple of these incidents still sting, and I still wonder — “What the hell was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I good enough?” I wonder this even after my finding my dream girl. So yes, these things are confusing, and they tap into every insecurity we have, so it’s no wonder you’re tail-spinning.

    I know it’s not much consolation, but — at least you’re not alone; we’re all standing bruised and bloodied and propping each other up. That’s what we’re here for, to empathize with how that feels, and to assure you that it’s possible to learn something and get up again, a little bit at a time. Each of us has felt worthless and rejected and awful … and I know you believe in all of your readers’ inherent worth, just as we believe in yours. Your belief in us might, someday, a little bit, be able to be reflected back to you as our belief in you. You are us, and we are you … and if you know we are lovable, then you are lovable too.

  3. David – what a great post……
    Most of us stand on the battlefield of “love” with scars to show…..
    Kerro – I admire you taking the risk and chance. Since I had my heart broken 5 years ago I still feel as though I’ll never trust someone again so I admire the fact that you were willing to take a chance.
    I’m curious though…..in an ideal situation how would it have worked out for you? Let’s say he didn’t feel it was progressing the way he wanted (for whatever reasons) how could he have stopped things that wouldn’t have left you reeling like this? Is there a way?
    I know how much you are hurting and how much this feeds the part of you that feels useless etc etc but please please please don’t let it destroy you.
    Thinking of you and reflecting back on how desperate I felt going through my own break up 5 years ago…….and knowing nothing I can say can ease the devastation…..

  4. In the famous words of Bridget Jones “It’s not you, YOU’RE lovely. It’s him. He’s just a big knobhead with no knob”

    Kerro, I know that you feel like this is you, and that you think that you are the problem. But it’s really not just you. You’re not responsible for his feelings and actions. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs, or a lot of frogs, or in the case of some of my friends, a whole god damn frog army, until you meet on a genuinely nice guy. Or a guy who clicks with you. You’re not alone in the way you feel. A lot of my “normal” friends, with no obvious painful background, have turned up on my doorstep feeling like the most hideous beast on the planet, because someone finished with them. It’s just when you have a tendancy to self blame, it’s obviously going to hit you where it hurts. Not everything is always your fault, hon, I hope Wonder therapist helps, and that you take care,

    Lola x

  5. I am so so sorry you are in so much pain. I started to write lots more but thought again because I remember that nothing really helped when I was dumped by someone I loved. So…well, really just letting you know that I’m thinking of you and that I am confident that you will get through this. I’m glad that Wonder T can be there in a real physical world sense for you, I hope it provides some relief or warmth right now.

    That’s a beautiful and communicative photo you created.

    ((Kerro))

  6. I have nothing to say that will help, but I am glad that your t is going to see you today. This is just a horrible situation in the dating world, all of this texting and emailing, etc. I am not experienced with it all, I haven’t dated in 22 years. Regardless of how he broke up with you, it is still a break up and devastating. I am so sorry Kerro.

  7. Kerro, I genuinely wish I had some wise words of wisdom but I don’t. I’m glad that WT offered to see you tonight. Will you go? Please let us know how things get on. I love you and I’m so sorry that you’re hurting ((squishy hug)).

  8. @ Phoenix – thank you. May be one day I will believe you.

    @ Katie – this ranks up there with the worst low of my life, too. Last time (which was a very long time ago) I buried my emotions, I hid behind the knowledge that the break was a good thing. I keep thinking may be it wasn’t. What if that was the only chance I had at family? So what if he treated me like dirt? Thanks for your good thoughts.

    @ David – I’m sorry that my troubles brought up bitter memories for you. That’s the last thing I had intended to do. You might stand with me in the blogosphere, but I feel alone in real life.

    @ IGMC – thank you. Looking back I’m not sure the risk was worth it. Yes, there is a way that things could have ended that would make me feel differently – if he was an abusive sh1thead I would at least have felt the ending was good for me (though I would still feel like a magnet for losers).

    @ Lola – Trouble is, this guy WAS genuinely nice. We REALLY clicked, in lots of ways. It gave me hope, when there really was none. I should not have believed. Thank you for helping me realise that even “normal” people go through this.

    @ Cat – You’re right, nothing really helps. Though it is helpful to know I have my bloggy friends here. Thank you.

    @ Harriet – Yep, horrible. Thanks.

    @ CG and Sanity – Seeing Wonder Therapist tonight. I’m hoping she can help scrape me up off the floor.

  9. Kerro, the only reason I mentioned those memories was to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling rejected, and in having been on the receiving end of inexplicable, contradictory, and thoughtless behavior from people with whom a click had happened … and to let you know that it’s possible — hard, but possible — to move on from those things to something better. I’m glad you have WT, and that she’s there for you. Let us know what happens, ok?

  10. David, sorry, may be I misinterpreted. I know it’s possible for me to feel better than I do right now. Do I believe it’s possible for me to try this again? No. Do I believe I will ever find my own “Amazon”? No.

    Thanks for your support. I’ll let you know how things go with the WT.

  11. I was going to email you privately about this so I wouldn’t be admitting it in such a public way, but after reading David’s comment, I decided to be brave and put it here: In the very beginning of my relationship with SS, I panicked and broke up with her by email. Looking back now, I can see that my choosing to use email rather than talking with her about it was cowardly, but at the time I was so overwhelmed with fear, of relationship, of trusting on the level I was seeing myself beginning to trust her, of being hurt – or worse: of hurting her because I might not be capable of being the kind of partner I wanted to be for her and believe she deserves – it just felt like it was all I could do in that moment. I’m not proud of it, and I deeply regret the hurt she felt during those hard days while I faced my decision of whether to address those fears or live without this person who I was realizing could be the greatest love of my life, but my point in bringing it up here is that whatever is going on with him is very likely his own issue and is not about anything you did or any intrinsic traits or qualities of yours. He may still be a Nice Guy who made a really bad choice of how to tell you what he couldn’t bring himself to say in person.

  12. Thanks Tamp – that’s pretty much what the Wonder Therapist said, too. I’m glad you didn’t run away from SS all those months ago. 🙂

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