Yay! Today is the last day of Nablopomo. 🙂 I will kind of miss writing every day (though of course I still can) – but I definitely won’t miss it when I feel I have nothing to say, or when I get home late and just can’t be bothered.
In my last post I mentioned having kissed Nice Guy yesterday – AND liking it. 🙂 Thanks everyone for all your supportive comments. I hate to sound clichéd, but when we kiss, it’s like fireworks go off. It’s good. At least I think it is. Or is it? I don’t know.*
I keep questioning everything with Nice Guy in my head, even though I know it’s not helpful. I don’t question it with him because I don’t want to sabotage things.
- Why does he like me?
- What does he want with me?
- Why is he interested (if not in s*x)?
- Why does he say nice things? What does he want?
- Why doesn’t he call?
- Why does he call? What does he want?
- What danger am I not seeing?
The Wonder Therapist says: “Of course he’s interested. You’re an intelligent, attractive woman. Why wouldn’t he be interested?”
I still don’t understand that question, even though she’s said it a dozen or more times in my 20-odd months of therapy.
Enough navel gazing for today. In a final tribute to the Nablo writing prompts, today’s is: What’s the first thing you notice about a man when you meet him? A woman?
With men, I usually notice height, size, clothes, aftershave. The first three are sometimes scary for me – the latter is usually not. 😉
With women I always notice how they are dressed, how they do their hair, and their make-up. Are they perfectly coiffed? Perfectly manicured? Or not? That sounds judgemental and I guess it is – but of myself, not others. I always always ALWAYS compare myself to other women – they are usually prettier than me, skinnier than me, better dressed than me, have nicer hair than me, blah blah blah. I know this kind of thinking isn’t helpful, so now I try just to notice how different women are. Some are short; some are tall. Some have big hips; some have small. Some have blonde hair; others brown. Just noticing. Not judging. So they are taller/shorter, bigger/smaller, prettier or not… what does it matter? On the inside we are all pretty much the same. It helps to remember this. Sometimes.
On a couple of unrelated matters:
- The organisation I’m applying for a job with requires a “commitment to Chr1st1an values”. What is that? Does that mean I have to praise g*d every time I walk in the building? Or just respect others if they want to thank g*d for printing their documents? Apologies to anyone this offends – I’m not a practising Chr1st1an. Never have been, never will be.
- And why am I getting hits from some home mortgage site in the US???
* For anyone thinking this means I slept with him or am planning to sleep with him – I didn’t and I’m not. Not necessarily. May be. I don’t know. If I do, it’s my business. I understand you’re trying to be supportive and help ensure I have a good and healing experience if I do sleep with him, but truth be told? I’ve felt judged. So forgive me if I sound snippy when I say that your judgements aren’t welcome here, though your love is. 🙂