Sabotage and randomness

Yay! Today is the last day of Nablopomo. 🙂 I will kind of miss writing every day (though of course I still can) – but I definitely won’t miss it when I feel I have nothing to say, or when I get home late and just can’t be bothered.

In my last post I mentioned having kissed Nice Guy yesterday – AND liking it. 🙂 Thanks everyone for all your supportive comments. I hate to sound clichéd, but when we kiss, it’s like fireworks go off. It’s good. At least I think it is. Or is it? I don’t know.*  

I keep questioning everything with Nice Guy in my head, even though I know it’s not helpful. I don’t question it with him because I don’t want to sabotage things.

  • Why does he like me?
  • What does he want with me?
  • Why is he interested (if not in s*x)?
  • Why does he say nice things? What does he want?
  • Why doesn’t he call?
  • Why does he call? What does he want?
  • What danger am I not seeing?

The Wonder Therapist says: “Of course he’s interested. You’re an intelligent, attractive woman. Why wouldn’t he be interested?”

I still don’t understand that question, even though she’s said it a dozen or more times in my 20-odd months of therapy.

Enough navel gazing for today. In a final tribute to the Nablo writing prompts, today’s is: What’s the first thing you notice about a man when you meet him? A woman?

With men, I usually notice height, size, clothes, aftershave. The first three are sometimes scary for me – the latter is usually not. 😉

With women I always notice how they are dressed, how they do their hair, and their make-up. Are they perfectly coiffed? Perfectly manicured? Or not? That sounds judgemental and I guess it is – but of myself, not others. I always always ALWAYS compare myself to other women – they are usually prettier than me, skinnier than me, better dressed than me, have nicer hair than me, blah blah blah. I know this kind of thinking isn’t helpful, so now I try just to notice how different women are. Some are short; some are tall. Some have big hips; some have small. Some have blonde hair; others brown. Just noticing. Not judging. So they are taller/shorter, bigger/smaller, prettier or not… what does it matter? On the inside we are all pretty much the same. It helps to remember this. Sometimes.

On a couple of unrelated matters:

  • The organisation I’m applying for a job with requires a “commitment to Chr1st1an values”. What is that? Does that mean I have to praise g*d every time I walk in the building? Or just respect others if they want to thank g*d for printing their documents? Apologies to anyone this offends – I’m not a practising Chr1st1an. Never have been, never will be.
  • And why am I getting hits from some home mortgage site in the US???

~

For anyone thinking this means I slept with him or am planning to sleep with him – I didn’t and I’m not. Not necessarily. May be. I don’t know. If I do, it’s my business. I understand you’re trying to be supportive and help ensure I have a good and healing experience if I do sleep with him, but truth be told? I’ve felt judged. So forgive me if I sound snippy when I say that your judgements aren’t welcome here, though your love is. 🙂

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19 thoughts on “Sabotage and randomness

  1. 🙂 I’m glad you liked it, and hope that in time you can learn to allow him to like you too! And I suspect the ‘christian values’ thing just means integrity, honesty, love etc., it can’t possibly expect you to change your belief system. Well, it better not, but then I never cease to be amazed at the human capacity for arrogance.

  2. Hi Same Sky, it’s nice to see you. I haven’t seen you around for a while. I hope you’re right about integrity, honesty, etc – that I can do 🙂

  3. Regarding the Christian values phrase..well,having a brother who is a minister I have a general idea of what they mean by such phrases. Only general though, not 100% sure and I’m sure it depends on the organisation. But my understanding is that “committment” to christian values usually means having a personal belief of some sort. In some more church aligned places, such as schools, it actually means that you have to belong to a congregation – but they usually ask for a reccomendation from a minister in the information, so you’d know if this were the case. I’ve read another phrase they often use in job advertisements, which I can’t think of off the top of my head, that means that you are happy and willing to support the values of the church in the workplace, even though you may not necessarily subscribe to a particular faith. Maybe that might help if any tricky question come up?

    I’m so glad things are going well with Nice Guy. You defintely have my love and support. I don’t think you sound snippy. I think it sounds like you’re setting boundaries for us and I’m taking it on board. Sorry for any hurt I caused, Kerro. I didn’t mean to sound judgemental though I can see that it came across that way.

  4. 🙂 I’ve been ‘around’ just not commenting much, as too much going on for me. I’ll be back! Hopefully posting soon too, as that has been rather lax of late, but some issues are too difficult/sensitive to write about!

  5. Hi Kerro!
    I’ve fallen off with my nablopomo blogs at the end here – some of the prompts were too ridiculous, plus I’ve been busy.

    I like this post – I’ve often wondered what we would all think of each other if we met in person. We opened up online and know more about each other than many “real life” people do. This should forge a bond in real life, but I suspect not. I suspect we would still have the wariness, distrust, etc. that comes from opening up with someone (something I’m feeling right now after my session yesterday :()

    As for “new guy” (love the name BTW) – I’m happy for you.

    OLJ

  6. @ Cat – thanks for the apology, I know you meant no harm, and I was probably just over reacting. Thanks for the clarification about the job ad, too! 🙂

    @ Same Sky – hope you are ok, and hope to see you ‘back’ again soon. 🙂

    @ OLJ – yea, I agree with you on the Nablo prompts. I suspect you’re partly right and that we would still be guarded in “real” life, but I know from others who have met that fades sooner once you realise you do “know” each other 🙂

  7. … at some point, if you really don’t know why he likes you, maybe ask him, if he’s not good at expressing it. I had to do this with the Amazon, as you may recall, because I really couldn’t figure it out. I knew why my therapist thought she liked me, but I didn’t know, in her own words, what she liked about me. As it turned out, some of the reasons weren’t the ones my therapist thought they were, and it was better to hear it from the Amazon herself. It took a while to work up to this, though.

    In the mean time … you might pay attention to whether you feel comfortable telling him why you like him … expressing that verbally, I mean. Sometimes when a person has trouble understanding why they’re appreciated, they’ll also have trouble expressing appreciation to others — not because they don’t feel it, but because they’re not used to those types of feelings being openly spoken about. So that might be something interesting to observe … whether you are able to give without fear but you can’t receive, or whether both ends of the transaction are scary, or whether he’s not quite expressing himself clearly to you … or all of the above. 🙂

  8. Oh goodness gracious me, David Rochester, you sure know how to scare a girl, don’t you?

    Ask him what he likes about me? Me? Oh man, noooooo. No sireee, noooooo. What if he can’t find anything to say? Or worse, what if he says he doesn’t like me and I’m just a temporary play thing?

    Rationally I suspect I’m wrong – he’s already said things he does like, it’s just that I have trouble believing him. He’s a pretty good communicator, so clarity isn’t really the issue.

    I feel reasonably comfortable telling him what I like about him. It’s still scary, but I’m getting better at it. I’m ok saying things, it’s the response (or lack of response) that I fear the most.

  9. Or worse, what if he says he doesn’t like me and I’m just a temporary play thing?

    … then you’d know to cut your losses. 🙂

    It took me a long time to work up to this; about nine months before I really asked clearly for the Amazon to explain to my why the hell she was with me. It turned out to be worthwhile, though, for both of us. NG may be telling you, though, and you can’t hear him … or he may not be telling you in the right way. Different people need different styles of positive reinforcement; it may be useful for your own information to figure out what your need is. Some people show love through action to a partner who needs to hear it spoken in words, for example. Or a compliment will be given about appearance to a partner who needs to feel like he or she is achieving things, rather than looking attractive.

  10. I know that I would want to know, without having to ask. But I think it takes some time to know why you like someone, especially to understand the intuitive responses you have to the person.

    I think you are very brave to do this, even though you don’t feel that you are being brave. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  11. Kerro, I just wanted to say that I agree with SameSky when it comes to the Christian references. I doubt they can require you to accept a religious philosophy for a position, but rather respect and live with honesty, love, respect, patience, etc. Like you said, I’m sure you can do that.

  12. it is scary to ask “why do you like me?” it puts one in such a vulnerable position. but it can feel so good to hear the answers to that when the person is genuinely good for you and interested in you for great reasons.

    but not everyone wants to ask, and sometimes the answers will just come out either indirectly or directly as the days go by, without you having to ask.

    for me, i know that in the early days of my relationship, even when he said he liked me for good reasons, i found ways to still distrust it or doubt it or question it. so just hearing the words or seeing the evidence of love is only part of it, in my opinion. we also have an internal battle to fight, to stamp out the fires of self-doubt and self-deprecation, so that we can see reality and feel love when that’s actually what we are being given 🙂

    good luck with the job thing! i’m not christian either. though i think my values are in accordance with some of the values. kindness, acceptance of my neighbor, tolerance, etc.

    but if they wanted me to be christian, i would have to say i wasn’t. though i had a friend recently who is not christian, and she worked for this past year for a christian company. they never asked her outright if she was christian. but they would start each working day with a prayer and share their life concerns with one another in a sort of prayer group. my friend said she kind of liked it, she wasn’t pushed to share about her own beliefs or lack thereof, and it was a truly unique working environment compared to any other place she’s ever been.

    so wishing you well on that front too! 🙂

  13. @ David – of course, you’re right. I would cut my losses. Thanks for letting me know it took you a while to work up to – I’m not quite ready for it… yet. I think my problem is that I’m just not good at accepting. I think the communication channel is fine – but there’s a blockage in my receiver, if that makes sense.

    @ Kate – I think you’re right. It takes time. And when you’re still getting to know someone, it’s twice as hard. Thanks for saying I’m brave – I’m starting to think I am, though not sure if it’s worth the pain it yet.

    @ Sanity – I’m definitely a values-driven person, so I wouldn’t have trouble with things like honesty, respect, integrity etc. Fingers crossed I don’t need to accept any persuasion with those.

    @ Katie – I’m learning that the new phases of a relationship are the most vulnerable of all. No wonder I haven’t been able to contemplate it for so long! As I said to David above, I think you’re right with the internal battle… the self-doubt is awful. I’m glad your friend worked for a Chr1st1an organisation that didn’t require her to join the persuasion. I probably sound like I’m dissing Chr1st1ans – I’m not. Some of my best friends are passionate Chr1st1ans (truly) and they are the nicest people I know. 🙂

  14. 🙂 i don’t think it sounds like you’re putting down christians. i know where you’re coming from. and i don’t think you’ve said anything negative.

    and about the relationship thing, i’m sorry you experience such self-doubt. as a gigantic self-doubter, i know how painful and confusing that can feel. sending safe hugs your way~~

  15. The first really helpful thing I learned about love was not to ask so many questions about it. You accept it, as Wonder Therapist I think it steering you towards. When you start to ask questions, it takes all the spark out of it.

  16. So glad things are going well with New Guy! I have been married for 22 years and still wonder about those same things with my husband. Why is he with me? I usually conclude that he couldn’t find anyone better, but that is not a very good attitude and I don’t recommend it.

    As for Christian values, I would hope they mean kindness, respect, integrity, that sort of thing. I think those are more basic human values. Actually when someone talks about Christian values specifically I think they mean a belief in Jesus, and having been raised a jew I would have to admit I don’t have that particular value. That could be a problem for me.

    Would you be comfortable asking them to clarify that?

  17. @ Paul – I can see how constant question asking takes the “spark” out of things. The Wonder Therapist is steering me towards acceptance, I agree… it’s just the getting there that’s a little excruciating.

    @ Harriet – Thank you. You’re the first person who’s said they’d be uncomfortable making a commitment to Jesus. I would be equally uncomfortable with that, but for different reasons. I have an intellectual interest in theology (of all types), but little interest in a personal religious or faith perspective. I respect people’s right to believe in whatever they want to believe in, but I don’t believe. Well, I do, but it’s in something that is a b@st@ardised cross between “the universe” and Buddhism. I saw on the company’s website that they have weekly prayer sessions, but these are not mandatory, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. My therapist thinks they just want someone who shares their values (fine) and who won’t run in an try to convert everyone to some other faith (also fine).

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