Listen up. In case you didn’t know; in case you hadn’t heard – insomnia’s a b!tch.
I’ve been doing that thing where you go to bed, and go to sleep reasonably easily, only to wake up every hour or two throughout the night. Sometimes I’m awake for ten minutes, sometimes for an hour. Sometimes I look at the clock, groan, and then go back to sleep. It’s like having a new baby; only I don’t get a smile in the morning. Even the cat squints at me as if to say, “Good grief! What are you doing??” Needless to say that when the alarm shrieks at me in the morning, all I want to do is go back to sleep.
My therapist says this type of insomnia is a symptom of anxiety. (No sh!t.) A symptom… and sometimes also a cause. I know that lack of sleep is like heroin to my inner critic. Also to my depression. I have sleeping pills, but given my state of mind I haven’t wanted to use them. I haven’t trusted myself to use them as prescribed.
But I think tonight is a sleeping pill night. I’m sick of waking up feeling unable to function.
The interwebs tells me that insomnia:
- Makes you fuzzy-headed and impairs your ability to function (tick and tick)
- Can lead to serious health problems like cardiovascular disease, weight gain (tick), hypertension and diabetes
- Can lead to serious mental health problems like low self-esteem (tick), depression (tick) and anxiety (tick)
- Impairs mental alertness and delays reaction times, making driving and operating heavy machinery dangerous (I didn’t tick this one as I didn’t think operating the laptop or my iP0d classified as “heavy machinery”)
- Can shorten your fuse and make you snarky, impacting on your relationships (tick – my tolerance for my mother’s shenanigans is always lower when I’m tired)
So I guess that’s some explanation for the way I’ve been feeling.
I also didn’t realise what a big impact my job was having on my state of mind. Not until I found a job ad for another position this morning. For the last few weeks I’ve been dragging myself into work, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can’t seem to muster enthusiasm for anything. I’m bored beyond belief, and snarky at the slightest thing. I hide at home at least one day per week, still working, but only as much as I need to. I think about work, and I want to cry.
But reading this job ad, I felt a lightness… an enthusiasm… a drive. It was like sunlight breaking through the clouds after a month of rain. I’d almost forgotten what that felt like. Needless to say I’ll be putting my hat in the ring. I’m also tempted to talk to my boss about how much I hate my current job. You might think that’s not so smart, but she thinks the sun shines out of my proverbial orifice and we have a good relationship so I think she’ll be receptive.
In other news, I was beating myself up in therapy last week about my (perceived) inability to do this relationship business:
Me: “Why the hell do I want this stupid relationship thing anyway?”
The Wonder Therapist: “Because it’s human nature.”
Well, there you go. I’m not such a freak after all.