Reasons for feeling funky

I saw the Wonder Therapist last night and she helped me identify some of the reasons I’ve been feeling funky. Actually, first she helped me cry. I’d been struggling to cry properly all day and almost as soon as I pulled up to her building I could feel the tears start. Thankfully it was dark so I didn’t have to worry too much about being seen. But as soon as I sat down in her office the tears started properly.

I always feel bad when I do that. The Wonder Therapist has worked hard to help me into a better space and I feel like a failure, and like I’m letting her down.

Anyway, we talked about a few things and we figured out some of the reasons I’m feeling so funky:

  • I’ve been feeling triggery and messy much of the week. It happened again today – people at work “sneaking” up on me, and creeping me out. I hate that.
  • I think some of the health issues that were meant to be addressed by surgery are back. It’s painful and I’m sick of it. It’s so frustrating to have gone through all that and then discover it didn’t work. 😦
  • My bestest friend’s marriage is crumbling. It’s horrible to see, and frustrating there’s nothing I can do. My friend has been coming to me for support, which I’m totally happy about… but now her sister is on that band wagon, as well as one of the husband’s friends. That’s ok… well, the sister is a bit of a parasite to be honest… I guess she’s drained me.
  • Another friend has been having boy trouble and coming to me for help. What do I know about such things, geez? I like to be there for people, to help them and support them, and I’m happy to do it… it’s just that at the moment it’s sucking the life out of me.
  • I hate my job. It’s boring. I mean really boring. I’m over it. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s serving a different purpose at the moment – meaning that it’s allowing me time and flexibility to do other things, that it’s getting me used to working in a positive environment, yadda yadda yadda. But I’ve been hating it so much that I worry these things aren’t enough anymore.
  • Nice Guy has been sick for over a week now. Rationally, I understand this. Emotionally, I’m convinced he hates me. I’m a mess.
  • I haven’t been sleeping well – waking up four, five, six times a night. It’s a drag.

The Wonder Therapist asked me if I’d mentioned any of this to my mother.

Me: “Ha! What do you think?”

She asked me what I’d like my mother to do when I’m feeling like this… I mumbled something about soup… but what I actually wanted to say was that I’d like a mother who would come over and give me a hug, tell me things would be ok, listen to me without telling me not to be “silly”. I know that’s never going to happen, but you know, it’s ok to recognise what you’d like I guess.

We also talked about a holiday I have planned for later this year and what might happen if my father dies while I’m away.

Me: “I don’t know. I won’t have him ruin my holiday. Put him in the freezer and I’ll deal with him when I get back.”

Wonder T: laughing “I’m sorry, I can’t help but laugh at that.”

Me: “That’s ok. I know I’m being flippant, but seriously, he’s ruined enough of me and my life without ruining my holiday as well.”

Wonder T: “Absolutely. You’re absolutely right.”

I’m still feeling low, though the session helped. In a fit of madness and bankruptcy I’m seeing the therapist again tomorrow. I’m not sure I want to see another weekend through feeling like this. It’s too miserable.

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7 thoughts on “Reasons for feeling funky

  1. Just a thought….I think it’s great that you can cry properly with your therapist and I can’t imagine that she would be disapointed by that. It does afterall mean that you are genuinely connected with your emotions and trusting of her. This is a good thing, I’m thinking, even if the reasons for crying are not so good.

    I’m sorry there are so many stressy things going on for you. It does sound like a lot and totally deserving of a good cry. Even harder to deal with all that without much sleep.

    Hope things settle down soon and that your session goes well tomorrow and that you have something nice to do this weekend too. ((Kerro))

  2. Thanks Cat. I guess it is a lot going on. I have a couple of things planned for the weekend but I don’t want to do any of them. I’m even thinking of seeing the parents just to pass the time. How dumb is that? ((hugs)) to you too

  3. Sometimes it is hard to realize just how much is going on in our lives until you list them like you did above. And it’s OK to feel overwhelmed by so many things pulling on your emotions in so many ways. You are being “the rock” for others, but draining yourself in the process. It’s good that Wonder T helps with that. I hope your weekend is better. 🙂

    OLJ

  4. That is a lot of things, I’m glad you were able to recognize them all. And certainly deserving of a good cry as well. I’ve never cried in therapy, it sounds scary. I also like your idea about thinking of what you would like your mother to do even though you know it won’t happen. I’m kind of like that with my husband – thinking of what I’d like him to do or to be, but knowing it will never be.

  5. I love the relationship you have with your therapist! I would like a mother like that too, one that would “come over and give me a hug, tell me things would be ok, listen to me without telling me not to be “silly”” – sounds perfect to me. *sigh*

    From the therapist’s point of view (cheeky I know), getting to the point where the client can freely express their feelings – i.e. cry – that is brilliant! 🙂 Sometimes part of the job is to help the grieving process along.

    Anyway, sounds like you’ve had a really tough week. Thinking of you, and let’s hope the freezer doesn’t become necessary!

    xx

  6. @ OLJ and Harriet – Thanks, yea, I guess it is a lot to deal with. Worse when you are a bit crazy in the head, I suppose. Harriet, I’m sorry that your hubbie won’t support you in the way that you’d like or need.

    @ Same Sky – Thanks. I like the relationship I have with the Wonder T, too. I like that she can laugh with me, when appropriate. I’m glad you think the crying is a good thing, I’d never thought of it that way before.

    @ David – you made me LOL for the first time in days – thank you! Great idea, too, btw.

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