I saw the Wonder Therapist last night and she helped me identify some of the reasons I’ve been feeling funky. Actually, first she helped me cry. I’d been struggling to cry properly all day and almost as soon as I pulled up to her building I could feel the tears start. Thankfully it was dark so I didn’t have to worry too much about being seen. But as soon as I sat down in her office the tears started properly.
I always feel bad when I do that. The Wonder Therapist has worked hard to help me into a better space and I feel like a failure, and like I’m letting her down.
Anyway, we talked about a few things and we figured out some of the reasons I’m feeling so funky:
- I’ve been feeling triggery and messy much of the week. It happened again today – people at work “sneaking” up on me, and creeping me out. I hate that.
- I think some of the health issues that were meant to be addressed by surgery are back. It’s painful and I’m sick of it. It’s so frustrating to have gone through all that and then discover it didn’t work. 😦
- My bestest friend’s marriage is crumbling. It’s horrible to see, and frustrating there’s nothing I can do. My friend has been coming to me for support, which I’m totally happy about… but now her sister is on that band wagon, as well as one of the husband’s friends. That’s ok… well, the sister is a bit of a parasite to be honest… I guess she’s drained me.
- Another friend has been having boy trouble and coming to me for help. What do I know about such things, geez? I like to be there for people, to help them and support them, and I’m happy to do it… it’s just that at the moment it’s sucking the life out of me.
- I hate my job. It’s boring. I mean really boring. I’m over it. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s serving a different purpose at the moment – meaning that it’s allowing me time and flexibility to do other things, that it’s getting me used to working in a positive environment, yadda yadda yadda. But I’ve been hating it so much that I worry these things aren’t enough anymore.
- Nice Guy has been sick for over a week now. Rationally, I understand this. Emotionally, I’m convinced he hates me. I’m a mess.
- I haven’t been sleeping well – waking up four, five, six times a night. It’s a drag.
The Wonder Therapist asked me if I’d mentioned any of this to my mother.
Me: “Ha! What do you think?”
She asked me what I’d like my mother to do when I’m feeling like this… I mumbled something about soup… but what I actually wanted to say was that I’d like a mother who would come over and give me a hug, tell me things would be ok, listen to me without telling me not to be “silly”. I know that’s never going to happen, but you know, it’s ok to recognise what you’d like I guess.
We also talked about a holiday I have planned for later this year and what might happen if my father dies while I’m away.
Me: “I don’t know. I won’t have him ruin my holiday. Put him in the freezer and I’ll deal with him when I get back.”
Wonder T: laughing “I’m sorry, I can’t help but laugh at that.”
Me: “That’s ok. I know I’m being flippant, but seriously, he’s ruined enough of me and my life without ruining my holiday as well.”
Wonder T: “Absolutely. You’re absolutely right.”
I’m still feeling low, though the session helped. In a fit of madness and bankruptcy I’m seeing the therapist again tomorrow. I’m not sure I want to see another weekend through feeling like this. It’s too miserable.