I saw the Wonder Therapist again today because I’m freaking out about Nice Guy. Freaking out because he’s nice; and because he likes me (and I like him); and because I don’t understand any of that – but I don’t want to sabotage it.
It seems some of the old messages I was taught are coming home to roost again, because every time he compliments me, that little voice in my head says “no I’m not” or “what do you want?” And every time I’m telling him something about myself – whether mildly important or just utterly banal – the little voice says “I’m not good enough for you.”
I try not to listen. I try to believe that Nice Guy really is as genuine as he seems; that he really is kind and caring and sensitive and respectful. My gut says he is all of those things, but the little voice in my head won’t shut up.
The Wonder Therapist smiled and said she’s really happy for me, because it sounds wonderful; that Nice Guy sounds wonderful. BUT… I have to get used to the idea that he genuinely likes me – yes, me!. I have to stop questioning it, and looking for faults or I really will sabotage it.
She says I have to start believing I’m worth it, and that love does happen when two people connect. She asked me which love stories I remember from literature or movies. None. I never paid much attention because I didn’t believe in love. I’ve never really seen it. Certainly not at home. No role models to look at to see how this works. No wonder it’s hard!
The Wonder Therapist said I should spend the weekend reading old love stories and watching schmaltzy movies because, however schmaltzy, that’s what happens when two people connect and start to fall in love (not that I think this is love by any means, not by a long shot). Perhaps I would read and watch old movies… if I didn’t have plans with Nice Guy.
She also said I should just get drunk and have s*x with him. That sort of advice just seems too too weird coming from a therapist.
I’m off to the symphony tonight. I can’t wait – it’s one of the few places I can forget about everything and just feel peace and joy in the music. 🙂