Second date… ?

I just got home from my second date. I really wanted to start this post with a take on K@ty P*rry’s lyrics and say, “I kissed a boy and I liked it…” (even if he wasn’t wearing cherry chapstick!)

I did kiss a boy. But did I like it? Yes. And no.

Something weird happens to me when I kiss a boy. It’s like a switch is flicked in my head and I just assume that he’s only after “one thing”. You know the thing I’m talking about. I don’t need to spell it out. Normally the evil huntress comes out, but she didn’t tonight – or she did, but I was able to keep her under control.

Rationally I don’t think this guy is that shallow, but still part of me assumes that’s all he wants and that I am therefore disgusting. So hard, so messy.

He wants to see me again. On Wednesday. Why on earth he wants to spend all this time with me (beyond the obvious reason to me) is totally beyond my understanding. Part of me wants to see him again, and part of me just thinks I’m disgusting and therefore don’t want to see him. Or perhaps I just need more time, I’m not sure.

I felt scared after our date, though for no real reason. I enjoyed our time together – he’s engaging (most of the time), respectful, and sensitive. He’s very nice. And I’m not actually scared of him. But I still felt scared. I even drove past the Wonder T’s office on the way home to try to feel safe again.  

I’m in tears now. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I like him (or thought I did), but I feel revolting and I don’t understand what he wants with me.


9 thoughts on “Second date… ?

  1. I’m glad the second date went well. Keep in mind that you decide for yourself what you want.

    You don’t understand what he wants from you? How about companionship with an engaging and awesome woman?


    P.S. Funny how those attachments to our T bring solace in times of need. I have a voicemail I listen to occasionally. And sometimes look at her online photo.

  2. One thing I’d recommend, from having been there and done that, is not rushing things. For most people, two dates three days apart wouldn’t seem like too much — for you, it might be, while you’re still processing/balancing all of these very complex issues.

    You get to choose the pace of everything, including how often you see him.

    Receiving respect and kindness from someone tends to really bring up a lot of feelings of being disgusting for people who were abused in any way, and a lot of fear that when that person “finds out” how “disgusting” you really are, he or she won’t like you any more. You’ll tends to feel that you’re not worth being treated well, and that you are hiding things from him.

    Your T is your best ally right now. This is very, very delicate ground, and it’s going to be confusing and challenging. It is also the most worthwhile stretch of minefield you will ever navigate, and there are great rewards on the other side. Hang in there.

  3. From what I remember about dating it was pretty scary. Scary good and scary bad. I say take it slow and remember you are in control. This can be exciting!

  4. @ OLJ – I wish I could believe you about the companionship. My experience says this isn’t true, though I know this is probably one of the times I shouldn’t listen to *those* voices inside.

    @ David – You say “not rushing things” … I’m not even sure what that means. You say I get to “choose the pace of everything” … but what to do when part of you wants to see him and part of you is scared to death? You hit the nail on the head about being “disgusting”. I’m hoping my T is my ally, but she seems to think everything I’m experiencing is “normal”. Sure doesn’t feel like it.

    @ Harriet – thanks. I hope it’s exciting, but you know, as I said, my past experience suggests otherwise.

  5. hi kerro, i’ve seen you around the blogosphere, but recently realized i haven’t ever seen your blog before. i came here today by way of castorgirl’s blog. i just wanted to say i can really identify with your emotions here. my experiences of trying to engage with people in any kind of romantic way throughout most of my life has brought up intense shame feelings for me. sometimes i would even get physically ill. major issues there from my past.

    for me what helped was trying to not do anything i didn’t feel completely ready to do. and to talk with the person about my past and my apprehension and fear. if i didn’t feel like i could talk to the person or they wouldn’t understand, then they weren’t a safe person for me anyway. i thought for a long time that i would never find anyone who would want to be with such a “damaged” and “contaminated” person. i’d intenalized so much shame. as it sounds like you have. because there’s nothing wrong or disgusting about wanting to kiss someone.

    it’s scary getting close to new people, and all the feelings that romantic experiences can bring up. i am glad you have support and a place you feel comfortable to write about what you’re going through.

    i wish you well in what you’re going through in your own emotions and with this person~~ and in general too of course 🙂

  6. Hi Katie – Welcome and thanks for visiting. You are completely right about the shame, and about not doing anything I don’t feel ready to do. And about feeling damaged and contaminated. I think I may have felt this earlier this week, but couldn’t quite put words to it, thank you for expressing it so well. 🙂

  7. Dear Kerro,

    First I totally understand why some guy would want to date you. You are lovely. Even when you don’t see it you are, and you are not disgusting. I think most people would have to look long and hard if they knew you in person to find anything about you that they thought was disgusting. I’m not sure if they could ever think of one thing. Shame makes us feel disgusting, but it is a lie. You are not disgusting.

    I agree with David, it is okay to go slow. And by that I mean slow enough that you are comfortable. If that is not possible to go that slow, then very very slow and try for feeling bored. You might not feel safe when dating, but going slow can help you manage it.

    Dating is scary stuff. You are doing an incredible job, even if it doesn’t seem that way. It takes a lot of courage to go on a date. Good for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  8. @ Kate – thank you, that’s so kind. Rationally I know I’m not “disgusting” but I feel it. Abuse, the gift that just keeps on giving, eh?

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