I just got home from my second date. I really wanted to start this post with a take on K@ty P*rry’s lyrics and say, “I kissed a boy and I liked it…” (even if he wasn’t wearing cherry chapstick!)
I did kiss a boy. But did I like it? Yes. And no.
Something weird happens to me when I kiss a boy. It’s like a switch is flicked in my head and I just assume that he’s only after “one thing”. You know the thing I’m talking about. I don’t need to spell it out. Normally the evil huntress comes out, but she didn’t tonight – or she did, but I was able to keep her under control.
Rationally I don’t think this guy is that shallow, but still part of me assumes that’s all he wants and that I am therefore disgusting. So hard, so messy.
He wants to see me again. On Wednesday. Why on earth he wants to spend all this time with me (beyond the obvious reason to me) is totally beyond my understanding. Part of me wants to see him again, and part of me just thinks I’m disgusting and therefore don’t want to see him. Or perhaps I just need more time, I’m not sure.
I felt scared after our date, though for no real reason. I enjoyed our time together – he’s engaging (most of the time), respectful, and sensitive. He’s very nice. And I’m not actually scared of him. But I still felt scared. I even drove past the Wonder T’s office on the way home to try to feel safe again.
I’m in tears now. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I like him (or thought I did), but I feel revolting and I don’t understand what he wants with me.