If not now, then when?

Today’s writing prompt from Nablopomo is: “What’s your favorite poem? (And if you don’t have one, why?)” which has absolutely no bl00dy relevance for me at all*, and not much relevance to the theme as far as I can tell, so here endeth my connection with today’s writing prompt. But I’ll still write on the theme.

Writing as a survivor, and reading lots of survivor blogs, one thing strikes me. (Actually a lot of things strike me, but one will do for today.)

It’s that thing of going one step forward, two steps back… repeatedly. That d@mned rollercoaster you get to ride every day for years on end. Sometimes it feels like it’s never gonna stop. And sometimes, when you think you’ve got the pattern worked out and smoothed over some of those dips, some bend will suddenly spring up and scare the bejeezuz outta you.

I’ve said before – many times – that when I first started out on this healing business, I kept asking my therapist, demanding even, to know when I would be “better” – “When, damnit, WHEN? Fix me…. NOW!!!!”

A while ago I realised that you can’t force healing. As one of the Group facilitators said, I was broken for a long time, it’s gonna take a while to heal. True.

I think it’s only recently that the idea of “it takes as long as it takes” has really sunk in for me. I mean REALLY sunk in. At the moment I’m ok with not being fixed yet, and for almost the first time in my life I’m ok with not being “better” right NOW.

It’s not easy to sit with it, but for now, I’m doing ok. That’s gotta be another step towards healing, right? 🙂

* Inadvertent connections with Tracy Chapman song lyrics in my post title not withstanding.


4 thoughts on “If not now, then when?

  1. Kerro –
    I could have written this post. Thanks for saying it all so eloquently. I talked about this yesterday in session – will I recognize when I am “fixed”?

    I did post a poem though. 🙂


  2. OLJ, I do think you’ll recognise when you’re healing (though I’m not sure any of us will ever be “fixed”, whatever that means). The healing things really snuck up on me – one day I found myself thinking differently, looking at the world differently, approaching life differently. It feels like someone else is inhabiting my body, but it feels good 🙂

  3. Thanks Kerro – I’m sure I’ve experienced some healing given that I am able to “talk” about the past. It is an ongoing process that may never be over.

    Music must be a large part of your life – something that gives you joy? I’ve commented in the past that we share that .

  4. You are definitely healing OLJ, I don’t believe you’d be here if you weren’t. 🙂

    Yes, music is important to me, much more than I ever thought it was. It brings me joy; it brings me peace; and it provides motivation and inspiration. It’s wonderful.

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