Catch-22

I know. I haven’t posted in what seems like ages. I’m sorry. For anyone reading I’ve been thinking of you, just haven’t had time to write.

My boss has been away on holidays for the last week and a bit and I’ve had the “joyous” task of doing her job and mine. It’s been busy. Crazy busy. Ridiculously busy. From the moment I get to work until the moment I go to bed (actually the moment I go to sleep, which is often several hours after I go to bed), I run on adrenalin. And that anxious feeling in my tummy. And chocolate.

In a way it’s been kind of good, because it hasn’t given me time to think about anything much at all. Except work. And my anxiety. But no time for feeling bad, sad, mad … no time even for feeling crazy.

That’s a good thing, right? Except may be for the anxiety.

So what’s the Catch-22?

Well, it’s reminded me of what my life was like before I “fell apart” – work, work, work until I’m exhausted… so exhausted there’s no time to think about anything, let alone feel. BUT… now that I know life doesn’t have to be that way, it’s also reminded me of what I don’t want.

Not the depression, obviously, but I have enjoyed having life at a slower pace. Time to think, feel, write… time even to do things I’ve discovered I enjoy, like music, photography, art. No time for such pleasures at the moment.

An old colleague rang me last week to see if I’d be interested in a job in her organisation. For a little while I was very tempted as the work sounds really interesting. And then my boss went away and I was reminded of what happens when you have to work at that level. That’s one of the reasons I left my last job. So, based on that, I think the answer is “thanks, but no thanks.”

So there’s the Catch-22: it seems I can have a job, and sanity, but no life. Or I can have a life, a boring job, and less sanity. Put that way I’m not sure which one I want after all.

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16 thoughts on “Catch-22

  1. ^^^^ Maybe David is right. Do you love what you do Kerro? I don’t think many people end up enjoying what they do. It’s a job, just work. If you don’t love it, is there a career that you could love?

  2. @ David and Sanity – the cynic inside says, “yea, and may be pigs will sprout wings, too.” A job I love? Do such things exist? What might that be? And how could I find it?

  3. Well, a good place to start would be to make two lists — a list of things you like to do, and a list of things you’re good at. Then start brainstorming about jobs that would utilize those skills and passions. Think outside the box, if you can. For example, you love photography; you might enjoy a job that had an element of designing flyers or other visual advertising materials.

  4. … and for the record, pigs do sometimes fly — I have two jobs I genuinely love; it’s working with my parents that I hate, as it constrains me in how I am able to do my primary job (as in, I have to deal with assholes whom I would get rid of in a minute were it not for the barriers of the partnership). I simply wasn’t willing to have a job I hated, so … I found ways to do what I do well, in a way that basically works for me.

  5. I think you can do both… You had this same job, right, when you were doing all those creative things that you consider part of a “life”. Right? If that’s true, then you can do it. Now with your boss away is obviously not the right time for that. But hopefully things will settle down. When your boss comes back, ask her if you can take it a bit easy for a bit, and maybe that will help you find a way to balance.

  6. @ David – I find myself “yes, butting…” but I like your idea of creating the lists. I’ll definitely do that. There might be a third list for me with “things I’m prepared to live with, or not” – for example, some indication of salary, the location of the job, etc or, in your case, working with your parents because it gets you something you genuinely enjoy.

    @ Paul – I’m glad you think I can do both. Unfortunately there’s no rest for the wicked, but may be I can dial things down a notch to get some life back.

  7. Been wondering how you’ve been going. I hope you enjoy the more balanced life you have when your boss comes back. As for that question of doing something you love? That’s one I’m still struggling with so I’m paying close attention to all the comments above too! I have hope though – for both of us.

  8. Thanks Cat, I’m doing ok. I am really glad that my boss is back, even if the mania continues. I’m sorry you also struggle with doing something you love, though it’s nice to know I’m not alone. ((hugs))

  9. I have the same issue. I tend to let myself get really busy at work, and it’s a great distraction from my issues, but then I get overwhelmed. I’m a person who needs down time, time to read, cook, knit. I currently don’t have time to do those things, and this isn’t good. Finding the balance is so difficult.

  10. Kerro – a side note. I don’t know if it just me, but there are weird symbols on your blog. Not sure if it’s showing me links in another language or what.

  11. Several ppl’s blog looked screwed up to me yesterday. Everything looks fine now though. Maybe it was a glitch on my computer or wordpress was briefly working on something.

  12. @ Harriet – busy is good to a point, but I find now that I need that balance or I fall over. My ability to be the Energizer Bunny has gone. I hope you find the balance one day, too.

    @ Sanity – glad to hear all has returned to normal in the blogosphere for you. 😉

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