A shift

So, the Group was ok last night. I credit David with helping me to see the obvious – that I didn’t need to go to places that were too painful, or disclose anything I wasn’t comfortable disclosing. I was conscious of this, and it was ok. Not exactly what I’d call “fun”, but much less distressing than I had anticipated. Phew!

Something weird happened afterwards, though. I feel like there was a quantum shift in my thinking.

Perhaps it was the Pregnant One (who I think really seems to have her sh** together; have this healing jag pretty much nailed) saying things that I often think – like wishing she had the courage to ring her friends and say, “hey, let’s go out for dinner.”

Or perhaps it was the one I call the Unstable One (which isn’t very flattering, or very accurate), but perhaps it was her saying how “unstable” she is and how her life is completely in the toilet, when it very clearly isn’t.

Perhaps it was the little book of affirmations that the Angry One brought in to show us.

Or perhaps it was all of these things stirred together in a big pot.

I came away from the Group thinking that I might finally believe – and I mean REALLY believe:

  • I am a good person
  • I have achieved a lot in my life, against the odds
  • I am loveable
  • I can look after myself, physically and emotionally (well, with a little help on the latter)
  • I accept who I am (though there will always be room for growth)
  • I am safe

I’m sure the Wonder Therapist would be pleased to hear this – it’s only taken me 18-odd months of therapy to realise it!

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17 thoughts on “A shift

  1. This is AWESOME!!! Oh, I’m so happy for you! This is a huge step in your healing… you are all of those things, and so much more. You’re an amazing person Kerro…

    Take care,
    CG (wearing a big smile for you)

  2. That really is fantastic. I think one of the best things about being in a group of trustworthy people who are working through similar stuff is that you get to see yourself mirrored in them, and also you get to see where you “fit” in the constellation of healing. The things you admire in other survivors are often just as true of you … and you’re also much further along in the journey than you sometimes realize you are, which allows you a level of stability, and also an opportunity to model for someone who is just starting out. It’s all very good. 🙂

  3. @ Ivory – thank you. I’m glad this made you feel good, too 🙂

    @ Castorgirl – I’m glad I could make you smile. I hope it’s a big step in healing, though it feels a little transitory. ((hugs))

    @ David – I agree, I think it was definitely the mirror effect at work here. For a brief moment I felt like I knew what the Wonder Therapist had been seeing all along. It was weird, and hard to explain. Thanks again for your advice.

  4. That is amazing! Those are wonderful things to believe about yourself, of course we all know they are true. But believing them oneself is such a sign of progress. Good for you!

  5. Thanks again for sharing your experience with group Kerro. And what a wonderful outcome – the aha moment! Laminate your list and look at it frequently.

    Does the group have a fixed time limit – meaning it meets for a certain number of weeks? Who supervises it?

  6. @ Harriet – Thank you. And thanks for seeing things I couldn’t see.

    @ OLJ – I should laminate the list – or at least put it in my wallet – thanks for the idea! The group meets for 8 weeks (last week was week 3). It’s run by the main sexual assault organisation here and is supervised/facilitated by two of the counsellors there. Each of them has over 20 years experience in this area and they’re really great.

    @ Sanity – Thank you – the group is having more positive connections than I had thought, which is nice. Kinda makes up for the elastic band effect 🙂

  7. Oh Kerro, that’s a wonderful list 🙂 I’m really glad for you. That’s a huge step in your healing. Great! Great! Great!!!
    Many big safe hugs if ok ((((((((((Kerro))))))))))))

  8. Great Kerro… Just keep in mind, not to be such a downer, that it may be hard to hold onto this in exactly this way. I know you know that, but that’s another one of those “obvious” things you referred to. I still am in awe of your “10 Good Things” post… which is still one of my all time favorite posts. I think it’s great that you have these times of inspiration… i see these as touchstones, places along the way that give us the hope to move on. Good for you. I’m really happy for you. Groups can be very healing. I’m glad you seem to have found one that works for you.

  9. Hi Paul – you’re not being a downer, just realistic! I’m acutely aware of this and have already seen this dissipate. But I’m hopeful that having seen these things once, I can see them again. I’m glad my flashes of inspiration are helpful to you, even if they are fleeting. 🙂

  10. Actually – I don’t think that 18 months is very long at all to have made such progress. That’s a long list of good things. I’m so glad that they have come to you and I trust that they will be solidified in your core being. I’m glad the group is working. I’ve never done a group…oh..well..unless you count the two times I went to GROW. I think it’s very brave.

  11. Wow! this is a great post and really timely for me to read at this moment. I have just come from a session that I really struggled with. Your list is the exact same words that my T spoke to me tonight. All I can say right now is wow…

  12. I am a good person
    I have achieved a lot in my life, against the odds
    I am loveable
    I can look after myself, physically and emotionally (well, with a little help on the latter)
    I accept who I am (though there will always be room for growth)
    I am safe

    Huge. Tremendous. Some people never get to this after twenty years. Some never get there. You have a lot, a lot to be proud of. Incredible. Marvelous. I have always believed in you.
    That is easy to do.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  13. @ Cat – Thank you. I am hopeful these things will be solidified as well. 🙂

    @ Lost in a Maze – I’m glad what I wrote was meaningful for you as well. I hope one day you’ll believe such things about you, too.

    @ Kate – Thanks Kate. 🙂

  14. Pingback: Reflections on 2010 « Kerro's Korner

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