I don’t know what happened to Back Up Therapist between last year and this. Last year she was all happiness and light, helping to keep me strong and “up” while the Wonder Therapist was away. This year, she’s making me talk about all this hideous cr@p. It’s rough, and I don’t like it one bit.
We started off talking about The Group. Somehow Back Up Therapist latched on to a point about my mother and whether or not she knew about the hideous cr@p.
Back Up T said sometimes kids are absolutely sure the mothers knew, because they’d walked in or passed the room or something when the father was doing things he shouldn’t have been doing, but in actual fact the mother didn’t see anything at all, didn’t know anything was going on, and would have done something about it if they had.
Back Up T said that if my mother didn’t know, then it’s probably no wonder she keeps saying stuff to me like, “Aren’t you better yet?” and “Can’t you just move on?” because she really doesn’t understand what I’m trying to move on from. Sure, that makes sense.
Back Up T said it would be a shame for my mother to die and for me to never really know if she knew what was going on. She said that’s a big burden for me to carry, thinking my mother knew when she may not have. So it would be better for me to talk to my mother; to find out what she really knew, if anything. Umm, thanks, but no, I don’t think so.
Back Up T said there’s a big difference between my mother sacrificing me physically and emotionally… and knowingly sacrificing me physically, emotionally and sexually.
But you know what might sound kinda crazy? I don’t see any difference at all. At the end of the day she still sacrificed me. And I’m still not going to talk to her about it.