Back up therapy recap

I don’t know what happened to Back Up Therapist between last year and this. Last year she was all happiness and light, helping to keep me strong and “up” while the Wonder Therapist was away. This year, she’s making me talk about all this hideous cr@p. It’s rough, and I don’t like it one bit.

We started off talking about The Group. Somehow Back Up Therapist latched on to a point about my mother and whether or not she knew about the hideous cr@p.

Back Up T said sometimes kids are absolutely sure the mothers knew, because they’d walked in or passed the room or something when the father was doing things he shouldn’t have been doing, but in actual fact the mother didn’t see anything at all, didn’t know anything was going on, and would have done something about it if they had.

Back Up T said that if my mother didn’t know, then it’s probably no wonder she keeps saying stuff to me like, “Aren’t you better yet?” and “Can’t you just move on?” because she really doesn’t understand what I’m trying to move on from. Sure, that makes sense.

Back Up T said it would be a shame for my mother to die and for me to never really know if she knew what was going on. She said that’s a big burden for me to carry, thinking my mother knew when she may not have. So it would be better for me to talk to my mother; to find out what she really knew, if anything. Umm, thanks, but no, I don’t think so.

Back Up T said there’s a big difference between my mother sacrificing me physically and emotionally… and knowingly sacrificing me physically, emotionally and sexually.

But you know what might sound kinda crazy? I don’t see any difference at all. At the end of the day she still sacrificed me. And I’m still not going to talk to her about it.

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3 thoughts on “Back up therapy recap

  1. Hey Kerro,
    The whole “did my mother know” issue has been a big one for me too. She said she didn’t but after I got clear about how extensive the physical damage was, I’m sure now that she did. Now that I know she knew, some of her behavour makes more sense, because I think of it as part of the mental fortress she built to keep herself from thinking about it, something I also did at the time.

    You don’t have to talk to your mother about it, but it might make your life easier if you did. For example, she might disown you, then you wouldn’t have to see her and abuser/dad, or she might divorce him (not likely) and you wouldn’t have to see her and abuser/dad or you would at least be able to tell her the truth like: “I’m fine to spend time with you, but not him, and only on my terms” which is what I did for years before I finally cut my mom off. I’d do things like only see my mom for a couple of hours, in public, like for lunch, where she didn’t get under my skin too much. She didn’t ‘understand’ and whined about it, but I was mad enough to stick to my guns and it felt way healthier. Way better than having to deal with seeing the abuser all the time. I don’t know how you do it, frankly.

    My two cents,
    SDW

  2. My parents didn’t know what was happening to me and I have to believe it. My T sometimes brings it up that maybe my mother knew, he is just wondering and wanting to get my impressions. I don’t think she knew, but just the same, I don’t want to know if she knew. So what if she dies and I never ask her. You have a tuff journey with this one!

  3. Hey Sword Dancer and Ivory – thank you both for commenting. This is a tough one, for sure.

    I can understand how asking my mother what she knew might be a good thing but, to be honest, I just don’t know what difference it will make.

    I think I’m coming to the view that I would rather not know the truth. I mean, sure, it would be nice to hear that she really didn’t know and would have left him immediately if she did (even though I think she knows about some stuff)… but to have it confirmed that she really did know and did nothing? Well, that I really don’t want to know.

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