Escaping the darkness

This time tomorrow I hope to be sitting on this beach. I couldn’t stand the thought of another weekend at home. Dark thoughts were starting to take over, and my little stockpile of pills (originally collected for medical purposes) was pulling at me again. I know this isn’t a good space to be in, so I’m going away. I’ve shuffled my work days so I have five days off, and five days away (or almost five days, once you factor in the travel time).

I feel naughty doing this, and I’m starting to feel guilty. I can hear my mother clenching her teeth not to say anything, but really, I can just hear the “what are you doing that for?” I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, or naughty, but when you come from a dysfunctional family where co-dependency is the norm, it’s hard not to.

The Wonder Therapist said: “I think it’s great you’re going away. I’m not going to tell you not to go. How would it be if I said – sit around the house for three days, don’t talk to anyone, don’t do anything, don’t get any sunshine, eat crap food… who wouldn’t be depressed?”

Good point, but one that’s sometimes hard to remember.

I don’t even want to do anything in particular while I’m away. Just walk on the beach, feel the sand between my toes, and the waves lapping at my feet. May be get a massage. May be walk to the lighthouse. Just not be at home where the darkness is growing thicker by the day.

So, I’m away from tomorrow until Tuesday, when the Wonder Therapist flies out and I see the Back Up Therapist again. Sigh.

11 thoughts on “Escaping the darkness

  1. I think this is a fabulous idea! I’m cheering you on in this decision to take good care of yourself in this way. I really hope the beach looks exactly like that photograph. I hope your time away provides a bit of an antedote to the darkness.

  2. I hope the time off is good for you Kerro. I find the beach with walks near the ocean so calming. I remember your photos from your last trip – hope you find similar beauty this time.

    Take care,

  3. What a great idea! I do hope you get some space and calm, both physically and mentally. Give yourself a break if you can Kerro, you don’t deserve to be going through so much. (I know it’s not that easy, but y’know, the thought is there)

    Lola xx

  4. @ Cat – the beach really does look exactly like that photo, and the place I’m staying is about two minutes walk from this bit of beach. I hope this is the antidote for the darkness as well. Thank you.

    @ Castorgirl – thank you, too. The last time I went to this place it was like a spiritual home and in some ways brought me peace, even though I was wrestling with a whole lot of toxic waste. I’m hoping it will have the same effect this time.

    @ OLJ – Thanks, me too! I love the peace and calm of the ocean… it’s as if the waves really do wash away all sorts of stuff.

    @ Lola – I know I’m fleeing in desperation, not knowing what else to do, but I’m hoping it’s the break I need, too. Thank you.

    @ Ivory – I’m sorry you can’t get away at the moment. I have a friend who can’t get away much but she goes to her favourite cafe every week and pretends she’s in some exotic location. Perhaps you could try that?

  5. Hi Kerro,

    🙂 I’m so glad that you are getting away, so great. And by the way doing nothing is a lot of work. So relax, take it easy, walk on the beach, soak it up. You deserve it.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  6. I hope the time away is really good and healing for you. The sunshine and sand between your toes has got to be a good thing! It sounds heavenly. It’s good to be aware of feeling guilty and “naughty” and just go ahead and do something nice for yourself anyway. You deserve it!

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