Emptying my head

I think I’m depressed. I’m back to blah. Sigh. I’m sick of it. It’s a long weekend here next weekend and I thought I might go away to try to break the cycle. I even thought I’d go to one of my favourite places (the one pictured in my header). Alas, the person who normally kitty-sits for me can’t do it next weekend. Sigh. (Totally as an aside, how this person runs a pet minding business when she’s not available most holiday weekends is totally and utterly beyond me.)

Anyway, having binged my way to emotional numbness, I thought I’d try to empty my head. Here goes…

I’ve been “dating” – or trying to. Only no one’s interested. I’ve been doing that online thing. The Wonder Therapist has been encouraging me to try to meet (or at least touch base with) as many men as possible, as a self-esteem booster. So, I contacted (another) eight guys last night. Six have already said they’re not interested. Terrific self-esteem booster, that one. Could this be the first time the Wonder Therapist is wrong about something?

The Wonder Therapist is going on holidays next week. For six weeks. Count them: six. She’s travelling the world to exotic locations. I’ll be seeing the Famous Back up Therapist while she’s away, and even though I know this will be ok (probably more than ok), I’m still panicking about the Wonder Therapist going. I feel childish and pathetic. Sigh.

My own motivation to go to exotic locations has totally evaporated. I don’t know where it’s gone, and I can’t seem to find it. My travel agent is still doing things for me, but really, I don’t know if I can do it.

I had to go to a work retreat this week – an overnighter with a bunch of colleagues I pretty much don’t like, and who pretty much trigger a whole lot of sh1t for me. I went. People are telling me I should be proud of myself for going. I’m not.

I haven’t been totally honest here lately. Well, I have been, but I just haven’t talked about the “real” issues for me at the moment. It’s all tied up with dating, and being rejected, and feeling like a fool. And my deepest, most intimate hopes and dreams. I’m a failure. There, I said it. I’m a failure and the things I want most in life won’t happen, so what is the point of anything?

On top of all this, every time I walk past the refrigerator I put on weight. The new “healthy eating” plan the dietician put me on has been working very well – NOT. It’s so hideous. I can’t stand the sight of myself.

The little pills I fought so hard last year have started calling to me again. I know that sounds crazy and I know I shouldn’t listen. I’m just so tired. So very, very tired.


7 thoughts on “Emptying my head

  1. Kerro – you do sound depressed. And what is with the 6 week vacation? Who does that? That’s insane! Maybe we do things differently here in the US, but our vacations are usually 1 week. 10 days max. 6 weeks? What is she hatching a chook or something? (Chook, get it?)

    But seriously, I am sorry things are so down right now. How is it with Back Up Therapist? (I’ll have to go back in time to read that part of your blog). I have a hard enough time talking to regular therapist, I can’t imagine trying a back up guy.

    And I’m sorry about the dating. Dating can be brutal. I will never divorce my husband because I never want to date again. But the thing is, you have to keep trying. You have to experience lots of rotten eggs before you get to the golden one. And it has nothing to do with you, it’s them! But I know it can do a number on your self esteem.

    Take gentle care of yourself. {{{Hugs}}}

  2. Oh man! That’s an awful lot to be happening all at once. 6 weeks away from T is a long, long time. I’m glad you can see back up T , but still, it’s a long time. I hated it when my T went overseas last year and I knew he was having a great time while I was suffering in his absence. Just made me want to scream “Not fair”, like a 3 year old would.

    I’m sorry to hear about the weekend away with staff. I think those things are hideous. People manage to put on a social face for 8 hours a day. That’s enough.

    Dating is a huge thing to do. A very courageous thing to do. Another hideous thing to do, until it isn’t. I hope you experience some good things about it soon. I also hope one of other of the T’s can help with what it brings up.

    Depression and hopelessness are so hard to endure. I’m feeling for you. I really am. Hang in there. (((Kerro)))

  3. You know … I think the WT might actually be wrong on this one. 🙂 I sloshed around in the online dating pool for two years before meeting the love of my life almost accidentally, and it is *brutally hard* to be repeatedly rejected. What I ended up doing was being very selective about the women I chose to contact … but more often, I just waited to see who responded to me, and then I was very selective about whom I responded to. From my POV, it was more esteem-enhancing to have one pleasant meeting than twenty rejections and twenty meetings with head cases (although some of those made good stories, after the fact).

  4. Hi Kerro,

    Yeah I have to agree with David, online dating not such a good idea and doesn’t have a lot of potential for self-esteem boosting. Although real dating might have some potential, but on the whole dating is high on the rejection scale and this might be tanking your emotions right now when you are dealing with WT being away. When overwhelmed it is okay to take some time to relax and take some deep breaths. It is okay to not expect a lot of yourself, take a break, and cut yourself some slack. There are so many jerks out there who seem to love to reject others, they are not really looking for someone, they are looking to hurt and use others, it is good not to be wanted by them. I’m not a random dating kind of person, mostly because I don’t believe that is the way to find the right person, but I do believe you will find someone great who treats you great. Good and healing thoughts to you.


  5. @ Harriet – LOL re the chook. Yep, 6 weeks. I don’t think even chooks take this long! I wouldn’t say this is common, but it’s not entirely unheard of. The majority of people here get 4 weeks annual leave per year (plus sick leave), and I guess when you work for yourself you can take as much leave as you like. It works for those of us who like to travel as we’re so far away from most places! The Back Up T is fabulous, so I know that will be ok, but I’m still anxious.

    @ Cat – thanks, you know I didn’t realise how much was happening until you said it. I do have a tendency to take on more and more and more and then crash. You’re right in saying 8 hours a day of “social face” is enough… more than enough with some people!! Thankfully that hell is over with for another six months or more.

    @ David – Wrong? Wonder Therapist? Wrong? How can this be? Lol. I like your strategy for the dating… shame that if I wait for people to contact me I only get weirdos. I have plenty of head case stories… might do a blog post on that!

    @ Kate – thanks to you as well for giving me “permission” to take a break from things, to relax. I needed it, but still not very good at giving myself permission. As far as dating goes, I don’t mind the online thing – it gives me a chance to get to know someone a little before I venture out to meet them. For me it’s better than trying to meet anyone in real life, which I have absolutely no hope of doing.

  6. RE: the waiting for people to contact you …

    One thing I did was change my post fairly frequently … like every two weeks or so … to keep it fresh. You never know what specific wording or mood is going to appeal to someone, so it makes sense to mix it up a little. 🙂

  7. 6 week break? Dang. I’ve never made it that long w/o talking to someone. Keep posting, we are here for you.
    An overnight work retreat screams a terrible experience. I know you said that you aren’t giving yourself credit for it, but seriously, you deserve it. That is not something I would have done. I would have lied, cheated, – ANYTHING to get out of it.
    Why don’t you want to travel to “exotic” locations now? Is it because WT is going to these places right now? You do live in a exotic location, you know, compared to us coldy northerners 😉

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