Old habits, I guess

The Wonder Therapist: “From my perspective, there’s G who isn’t very nice to you, isn’t respectful, but who you keep talking to and engaging with. And then there’s J, who seems nice and who seems to like you, but who you procrastinate about seeing. Sorry, but I just don’t get that.”

Yea, ok. Point taken. Another smarty pants in my midst. 😉

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4 thoughts on “Old habits, I guess

  1. Those old habits are really hard to break.

    I’ll give you a tip, based on my own experience of breaking a habit of wanting to be emotionally abused — it feels *incredibly unnatural and weird*. It feels, actually, wrong. This is a space in which, until you make the switch, you have to steel yourself to do what *feels* wrong, but which you *know* to be right.

    The equation looks like this:

    Same old shit = feels right, looks wrong
    New and better = feels wrong, looks right

    No wonder you’re confused; anyone would be.

    One of the reasons that “new and better” feels so wrong is that it challenges everything you’ve told yourself about yourself all your life, and that is really hard and painful to deal with. Once you get to a space where someone appreciates you — whether it’s a true friend or a lover or whoever — you get in a really hurtful place of realizing that your entire perspective on your own life is utterly arbitrary. You used to be unlovable, and now you’re suddenly lovable, but you’re the same person, so you’ve always been lovable, and yet, and yet … and oh wow, look at all the time you’ve spent buying into the shit that other people have shoveled onto you your whole life.

    And believe me, that’s a hard place to work through. Wonder Therapist will help. I can also tell you that once you do get through it, you will realize that the important part of your life is what lies ahead, and once you shift your perspective to believe and invest in who you really are and what you really deserve — that’s what you can influence positively from this point forward.

    I think one of the most insidious forms of stuck-ness in human nature is what I would call “negative complacency.” Positive complacency is almost as bad — taking good things for granted, and therefore failing to perform maintenance and pay attention and change with changing circumstances. But negative complacency is even worse, because it’s harder to see. The logic goes something like — this is what I’m used to doing, and so I’d better keep doing it, because if I do something different, things might be even worse than they are now.

    …whereas what usually happens is that things are more painful for a time, but rarely are they worse. And they’re painful in the way that coming out into the sunshine from a dark room is painful. The sunshine is good; it’s just not what you’re used to, so it hurts until you adjust. 🙂

  2. David, you’ve expressed everything that was swirling messily in my head so well, thank you. The “feels right, looks wrong” thing – you nailed it. I hope you’re right and it really is like sunshine after a movie. Thanks so much for your insight – spot on! 🙂

  3. When have I ever *not* been right? 😉

    Love to you. Hang in there. An even better analogy might be that it’s like starting physical therapy after being laid up with a broken leg. You’re pretty sure it’ll kill you, but really — it’s a good thing, and you know it’s a good thing, but wow … it sure doesn’t feel like a good thing. Cognitive dissonance makes the world go ’round.

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