On friends and reality and the future

It’s ages since I posted. I’m sorry. There’s lots happening; I’m incredibly tired and I’m not sure how to deal with any of it. This might still sound cryptic and rambly, sorry.

I had lunch with a friend over the weekend. She’s one of the most uniquely kind, gentle and genuine people I know (and she has the most beautiful baby I think I’ve ever laid eyes on). She warms my heart. What struck me about seeing her again was her optimism; her hope. Especially the hope and faith she has in me. I don’t get it.

It’s like a repeat conversation my therapist and I had again last week.

The Wonder Therapist: “Will you look at yourself? When will you believe the reality?”

Me: Umm, never I guess. I don’t know.

I find it hard to join this reality she keeps pointing out to me with the “me” I know. Find it hard to believe in the reality.

Even harder to understand the faith that others have in me.

And harder still to believe that the future will hold anything good, anything I want. Any time I think about that I fall apart.

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9 thoughts on “On friends and reality and the future

  1. It is hard to see ourselves as others see us. I always think it is because they don’t know the “real me”, that it is hidden and I only let them see the good stuff. If they knew all of the other stuff they wouldn’t think so highly of me.

    I’m sorry things are hard for you right now, but it is good that you got out with a friend, especially a “safe” friend. Those are the kind to stick with when things are tough.

  2. “Reality” is such a weird concept isn’t it. It’s hard to see how we appear to others, and sometimes harder to imagine that people can’t see straight through to the yukky stuff, I think. I read a saying once about how to judge a person. It was thorugh the quality of his/her friends. I wonder if you can see that your good and gentle friend is also a reflection of some part of you? It sounds like you are finding ways through the stuff that’s going on at the moment, with your friend and therapist for support. I hope it all goes well.

  3. Oh, I really like what Cat said there about the quality of friends. And I think it is safe to say that absolutely nobody has an accurate self-perception, and so if lots of people see the same good things about you, they’re probably really there. 🙂

    There are lots and lots of hard transitions in life, but I can speak from personal experience that one of the hardest is the transition from “not wanting” to “wanting.” It is so much safer to stay in that risk-free place of not wanting or “deserving” anything from life. Moving to a place of expecting, wanting, and figuring out how to get what you want and deserve … it is, in a word, horrible. It’s one of the hardest things you will ever do, and it is also the best thing you will ever do. But don’t worry; this messy dreadful place is perfectly normal, and I promise, it will pass. I don’t know whether this will help at all, but … learning how to live for yourself, and figuring out what you want, is like any other learned skill … there’s a learning curve, and at the beginning, you’ll hit wrong notes and forget yesterday’s lesson and generally not know what the hell is going on, and you’ll be convinced that it will never “click.” But the brain is a physical as well as an intangible thing, and the rewiring you are doing will “click” and feel a lot more natural and easy than it does right now. Give yourself permission to learn, if you can — it’s a process. You’ll get there. 🙂

  4. Ditto to what the others said…
    You are worth it, you not only have potential you are accomplished and as shitty as it may feel you are growing and healing.

    You might not be able to embrace it right now but you could be polite and shake hands with the truth 😉

    lots of love and support from my side of town…..

  5. @ Harriet – yea, I have a tendancy to think the same. That if others see the “real” me they will run a mile. Weird when it doesn’t happen that way… Not just weird. Totally mind f***ing.

    @ Cat – I also like what you say about friends being a reflection of ourselves. My inner critic says it’s more likely that the good friends are our antithesis, though I like your interpretation better 🙂

    @ David – once again you’re right. Somehow life was much easier when I was frozen in time, working my way through life until I died. Now that I’ve allowed myself to “want” things, want more than a “ground hog day” existence, it’s extremely hard. I keep coming back to what you once said about therapy never getting easier because the issues we deal with get harder and harder, and so does the therapy. Hell yea.

    @ Phoenix – lol, I like that “be polite and shake hands with the truth”. Sorry, but it’s too scary. What I can do is accept that there’s a reality I don’t see, and there are qualities that I don’t see, but others do. That’s the most I can offer right now.

  6. @David & Kerro “postcards from the edge” 🙂
    I care for all of you so much it is hard to convey in this format, I dunno I just get all choked up about it….I’ve been ridiculously busy but still silently following everyone’s progress, I’m proud of you all and concerned for everyone and rooting for everyone…

    I wish I could do a better more consistent job keeping you all appraised of that but you’ll just have to take my word for it.

    *sniffles and sheepish grins*

  7. Lol @ David and Phoenix – I’ll give the postcard some more thought.

    Phoenix, dear – you mean so much to me, as well. I love it when you drop by, it makes me feel, I dunno, important. I hope you know the feeling is mutual, and even when you can’t drop by, or blog yourself, I think of you often and hope you’re okay. 🙂

  8. Hi Kerro,

    You are important. You are so much more than you can let in right now. Well you have gotten such good responses already, so I will say I agree with all of them.

    The images of the false self, our true self, and the perceived self by others is such a huge part of the aftereffects of abuse and of healing from abuse. The glaring disparities are difficult to reconcile and to tolerate. Finding a gentle way of coping through this time is something that is hugely challenging. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, you are up to the challenge.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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