Fear and loathing in…

Well, you know I don’t live in Las Vegas, but “fear and loathing Down Under” didn’t quite have the same ring.

A lot has happened since my last post. Too many twists and turns to describe in detail. What I did want to talk about is this:

Funny how you can be travelling along kinda nicely, if a little miserable, but trying hard to believe in the faith that others have in you, and then you do something that makes you feel completely and utterly ashamed of yourself. Disgusted. Appalled. Filthy and rotten to the core. A dirty, rotten scoundrel*.

Yep, that’s me.

I’m not going into details, but trust me when I say I’m disgusting. I haven’t been able to shower enough to wash off this scunge. I haven’t wanted to write for fear of infecting you. And I certainly don’t want to talk to my therapist about it (though I will, my Inner Compass is good at keeping some common sense, even when the rest of me completely abandons all rationality).

And, yes, it has made me want to do things to myself that I haven’t done for quite a while.

For those of you thinking this is just my Inner Critic talking again: it’s not. She’s very quiet at the moment. She’s just sitting smugly in the corner filing her nails. It’s a shame the rest of me couldn’t follow her lead.

* Use of movie titles unintentional and of no psychological significance, other than perhaps that I am so pathetic that I cannot even to find my own words to describe how I feel.

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14 thoughts on “Fear and loathing in…

  1. I’m so sorry (((Kerro)))

    This is a tough place to be in, and a tough post to comment on. I want to acknowledge that you feel this way about yourself or your actions; but at the same time reassure you that there is nothing that you could have done (except criminal behaviour) that would change my opinion of you.

    Please talk to your therapist and get another perspective on this… it’s easy to get caught up in the self-hatred without seeing the actions and feelings for what they are – usually a reaction to the old patterns of behaviour or coping mechanisms.

    We are here and willing to sit with you through this.
    Take care,
    CG

  2. Hey Kerro –
    Thinking of you – I know from past experiences that you will bring this up with your T -wishing you safe thoughts until you work through this.

    OLJ

  3. I wish you didn’t feel that way, but I’m glad that you will discuss it with your therapist. I’m so sorry that you feel so badly about yourself right now. You could never infect us. All of us are here to listen when you can’t say it to anyone else. That’s the beginning to healing. Hang in there.

  4. Oh darling, that sounds so painful. I can understand how strongly those feelings can take over and make you feel so awful. From this end though I don’t believe there is anything you can do that would cause you to be disgusting, and we love you no matter what. I hope you can let us hold that for you until you are able to take it on for yourself. Love to you, xx

  5. That sounds so awful and I don’t really know what to say. Have been reading all your posts just not saying much. Don’t know what to say to this one but I am sorry it’s such a tough time. I’m sure whatever you “did” isn’t as awful as you think although that’s probably easier for me to say.

    Please, be gentle with yourself……

  6. I’m so sorry for whatever happened and the resulting feelings of unworthiness and disgust. It’s so difficult to have these feelings, actually it is probably the worst way to feel. I also hope you talk to your t about it. I’ll be thinking about you….

  7. Wishing you well Kerro. Perhaps this is a good time to remember that our T’s have probably heard a whole lot of what we would think of as “disgusting” stuff, so it’s really good that you’ve decided to talk with her, despite feeling so bad. That takes courage.

    Though I realise it’s probably a silly thing to say, please try not to bash yourself up for slipping up in some way. We all do it, though I’m sure it looks different for everyone and I’m not trying to minimise what you’re going through in saying that – just perhaps hoping that you’ll find some comfort in knowing that we’re all flawed too.

  8. (((Kerro)))

    Everyone has does something that they wish they hadn’t and none of us are strangers to guilt or shame. No matter what you did, at your core, you are good, beautiful,worthy of love, acceptance and understanding. …

    I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, please take care of yourself and stay safe.

  9. Dear Kerro,

    I understand. Been there. The specifics are really not that important. I can probably make a guess. Probably so can other survivors, we have been there. So no ithe specifics are not that important. Not to your survivor friends. You could share them and we would still see you clearly and still think the same ways about you. It might be hard to believe, but we would and we do.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  10. Pingback: Triggers and healing « Kerro's Korner

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