No, not that kind of faith. Faith in yourself. Something I’m a little short on.
This came up in therapy last week when my therapist and I were talking about anxiety and how it always passes …
The Wonder Therapist: “… whether it’s feeling anxious about work, or about having s*x again, or …”
Me: head spinning… Have s*x? Me?
What struck me about her comment was not that it related to s*x – hell, what’s a bit of s*x when you’ve brought as many skeletons out of the closet as I have? – No, what struck me was that the Wonder Therapist seems to have more faith in me than I do. I said this to her today.
The Wonder Therapist: “Yes, I do. And when have I ever been wrong?”
I started my new job today and for some reason every shred of confidence I’d built seems to have evaporated. I felt like a total freak. A useless and total freak.
I know that low self esteem is pretty common, particularly among survivors, but I wonder if it’s something I’ll ever get over? Something I’ll get strong enough to ride the waves and actually believe in myself. I don’t know what that’s like, but gee it must be nice.