Have a little faith

No, not that kind of faith. Faith in yourself. Something I’m a little short on.

This came up in therapy last week when my therapist and I were talking about anxiety and how it always passes …

The Wonder Therapist: “… whether it’s feeling anxious about work, or about having s*x again, or …”

Me: head spinning… Have s*x? Me?

What struck me about her comment was not that it related to s*x – hell, what’s a bit of s*x when you’ve brought as many skeletons out of the closet as I have? – No, what struck me was that the Wonder Therapist seems to have more faith in me than I do. I said this to her today.

The Wonder Therapist: “Yes, I do. And when have I ever been wrong?”

Point taken.

I started my new job today and for some reason every shred of confidence I’d built seems to have evaporated. I felt like a total freak. A useless and total freak.

I know that low self esteem is pretty common, particularly among survivors, but I wonder if it’s something I’ll ever get over? Something I’ll get strong enough to ride the waves and actually believe in myself. I don’t know what that’s like, but gee it must be nice.


6 thoughts on “Have a little faith

  1. I’m reading a book called “The Highly Sensitive Person” – it has a passage in it where it explains how people get over stimulated in new situations and then are less suave and confident and capable than they are otherwise. It’s perfectly normal. Even non-survivors from functional families have it. No worries, as you get more familiar with the new job your hyper-competence will come back. I don’t even need faith. I’m sure.

    Keep breathing.

  2. Perhaps your confidence in yourself will come with time, in respect to your new position. Maybe once you’ve settled into your new role better you will feel more secure. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think a lot of people are in the same boat when it comes to starting a new job. There always is a feeling of anxiety in the air. I believe you can do it Kerro – just give yourself some time.

  3. My T tells me the same thing (they must have used the same text book in college). I have a lot of trouble with self esteem. I’ve often wondered what it’s like for my T to constantly be upbeat and reassuring that I’m not as inept as I believe I am. I think the job thing will really get better, tho. As soon as you meet some of the jerks and dummies at your new workplace, you will begin to feel pretty cool. There is always a hierarchy. Good luck on your new job.

  4. First days at work are awful for everyone. I think it is as hard for even the most confident person. It is over and done with and that is a huge thing. Days get better from there. Hang in there, you are doing great.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  5. Thanks everyone for believing in me, especially right now when I find myself unable to believe in myself. As Ivory said, now that I’ve met a couple of the “dummies” I do feel pretty competent. I know my boss has faith in me, but for some reason I am as unable to believe her as I am the Wonder Therapist. More on this in my blog post later today.

  6. My self esteem is lower than low, no matter what everyone says about me. I think “Well, they don’t really know me.” But I think that starting a new job would cause anyone to have some anxiety, and if you didn’t have anxiety in that situation I think there might be a problem! I hope you feel more confident as the days go by and you get to know the people and procedures a little bit more.

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