Change

They say that change is as good as a holiday, but I don’t know. I find it kinda stressful. Ok, very stressful. My anxiety has returned with vengeance this week. I’ve had a number of things happening that are pulling and pushing me towards the edge. My therapist thinks the biggest thing causing the anxiety is that I’m at a crossroads with my job, and about to start a new one.

Yes, that’s right. I’m about to say farewell to the d!ckhead boss. I pretty much already have. I had been negotiating with a colleague to move to her area prior to Christmas… now with my extended sick leave, I won’t return to my current position – I just have to go back for the obligatory (sick-making) farewell. I start in the new position next week.

Good news, right? Yea, it is. It’s scary though. I’m moving to a new position. I’m not even entirely sure what I’ll be doing. I’ve lost a lot of confidence on the work front. I’m changing classifications so have to give up a few things. And I’m going part time.

So… from corporate ladder to… to…

I’m not sure what.

Rationally I know this is a good thing, not just moving away from that boss, but going part time, looking after myself, starting to have a life, creating space to think about “what next” for me. Etc. Etc.

But, you know what? I’m scared to death.

I met with the new team today – they seem like a great bunch (though it took every ounce of energy I had to go in and do it). A huge relief, but there’s still the anxiety. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t meet expectations? What if it’s the wrong move for me? What if I can’t put boundaries around my working hours and become a workaholic again? What if my anxiety is still really high at work and I end up being unable to work ever again? What if… what if… what if? Plus the anxieties about leaving the old job, and seeing the world there move on without me.

So, despite my progress of late, I find myself dancing that nervy, edgy, tied in knots dance. I hate it. Passionately so. I’m swinging between being on high alert, nervy as anything or being slumped in the adrenalin crash afterwards. It’s exhausting.

Sigh.

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11 thoughts on “Change

  1. Hooray for you!!!
    Wow you are on a roll 🙂
    a bit of nerves is to be expected, if it is getting overwhelming you know what to do, be gentle with yourself, rest, naps, bubble baths, I dunno, whatever works for you.

    You’ll do fine, just take a deep breathe and RELEASE…

  2. This sounds exciting! But also scary. I would also have a lot of anxiety about it. Anxiety isn’t always bad, as long as it is under control. I, too, do the “What if” routine. Keep breathing…..

  3. I’d say a bit of nerves is to be expected. When I was a techie for local drama productions, the director once told the cast on opening night, “Being nervous means you care about what you’re doing. It’s when you’re NOT nervous that we have something to worry about.”

    That’s what I go back to when stressing like crazy about a new job. It will be an adjustment, but you’ll do fine … like everyone said, just remember to breathe. It sounds like this could be a really good thing for you, in the long run.

  4. This does sound scary – all the unknowns. But what an amazing thing that there’s movement forward and that you are ready, (ready-ish?) to face it, even with the anxiety. I really admire you.

  5. Good on you for moving away from that toxic job!

    It’s easy to say that the nerves and anxiety are understandable, it’s another thing to be living through it! I agree with the others… try to be gentle on yourself during this time… do lots of soothing and relaxing things.

    Does the job description for the new position give you any clues as to what is expected of you? Can you research the groups past output to see if that helps familiarise yourself with what they do? Anything you can research to give yourself more information about them will be good – I find this is the biggest thing about anxiety, it’s fed by a lack of information. The more information I have, the more control I have and the less the anxiety gets me…

    Take care
    CG

  6. O
    M
    G!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That is fantastic news, Kerro. Of course it’s scary — and as Castorgirl wisely observes, you may be able to take the edge off that a bit as you gather information and find your feet a bit in the new position. But I really think this is a hugely positive step — no, leap! And with any leap, it’s nerve-wracking not knowing exactly how you’re going to land. But I think you will land well, and take off running. I am so happy for you!

  7. Thanks so much everyone. Apologies for the group reply, but it seemed appropriate this time around.

    I know a bit of nervousness about this is to be expected, I just wish it were easier for me to manage. Somehow whenever my anxiety returns, it does so in spades and spills over to everything else. Even to areas in which I’d developed some degree of healthy thinking. As Castorgirl says, it’s one thing to recognise this and quite another to live through it.

    I know this is a positive step for me, even if it’s scary as hell. I just keep repeating this to myself whenever things get overwhelming. I’m also trying not to put too much pressure on myself and to take some “down time” just to chill. It’s not exactly working, but today was the first day this week I haven’t flown into a panic immediately on waking. Hopefully that happens again tomorrow.

    Castorgirl and David, you’re right – more information about the job would be helpful. I know what they do in the area – unfortunately it’s fairly new and something I know pretty much absolutely nothing about (which is one reason my new boss wants me). One of my first tasks next week will be to write my job description and work with the boss to divide up our areas of responsibility. I’m still not quite sure what that means on a practical level, but I guess time will tell. I’m ok with degrees of ambiguity, but I still worry.

    Thanks again for all your positive messages – they’ve really helped.

  8. Sounds huge. You are doing a great job of managing it, though it might not feel that way. Anxiety is one of those horrible monster thingies. I am so happy for you and proud of all that you are doing, you deserve all the good things.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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