They say that change is as good as a holiday, but I don’t know. I find it kinda stressful. Ok, very stressful. My anxiety has returned with vengeance this week. I’ve had a number of things happening that are pulling and pushing me towards the edge. My therapist thinks the biggest thing causing the anxiety is that I’m at a crossroads with my job, and about to start a new one.
Yes, that’s right. I’m about to say farewell to the d!ckhead boss. I pretty much already have. I had been negotiating with a colleague to move to her area prior to Christmas… now with my extended sick leave, I won’t return to my current position – I just have to go back for the obligatory (sick-making) farewell. I start in the new position next week.
Good news, right? Yea, it is. It’s scary though. I’m moving to a new position. I’m not even entirely sure what I’ll be doing. I’ve lost a lot of confidence on the work front. I’m changing classifications so have to give up a few things. And I’m going part time.
So… from corporate ladder to… to…
I’m not sure what.
Rationally I know this is a good thing, not just moving away from that boss, but going part time, looking after myself, starting to have a life, creating space to think about “what next” for me. Etc. Etc.
But, you know what? I’m scared to death.
I met with the new team today – they seem like a great bunch (though it took every ounce of energy I had to go in and do it). A huge relief, but there’s still the anxiety. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t meet expectations? What if it’s the wrong move for me? What if I can’t put boundaries around my working hours and become a workaholic again? What if my anxiety is still really high at work and I end up being unable to work ever again? What if… what if… what if? Plus the anxieties about leaving the old job, and seeing the world there move on without me.
So, despite my progress of late, I find myself dancing that nervy, edgy, tied in knots dance. I hate it. Passionately so. I’m swinging between being on high alert, nervy as anything or being slumped in the adrenalin crash afterwards. It’s exhausting.