Fish

** Caution: Could be triggering **

I don’t eat fish. I hate fish. I know it’s good for you. Omega 3s and all that. But I hate it.

It’s smelly. Slimey. Wriggly. Sticky. Squooshy.

Fish have beady eyes that look at you, even when they’re dead.

Fish have smelly, sticky blood that gets into everything. Scales that stick to you. The knife that’s long and got a big wavy blade. The yellow handle that always smells fishy. And fish have lots of bones. Tiny ones that hurt.

And when you cook it, it smells worse.

That smell gets into everything. Not just the kitchen, but the hallways and other rooms. It gets into the soft furnishings and the paintwork. It gets stuck in your throat and it takes forever to go away. It gets on the hands and it NEVER gets off them.

My father loves fish. And he used to love fishing. Big hands. Sticky and smelly with fish.

I am 7 or 8 (who can tell?). I don’t want the fish. It’s yucky. There’s potato, too. And carrots. He picks up the fish and forces me to eat it. Fish flesh and bones. All mushed up. The smell. The big hands. Smelly hands. 

So, no, I don’t eat fish anymore. I don’t care how many Omega 3s it’s got.

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11 thoughts on “Fish

  1. (((Kerro)))

    Please remember that these are memories and he can’t hurt you anymore. I’m so sorry you were forced to eat anything in this way, but fish would be one of the worst things because of the smell. So much of our PTSD trigger responses are due to smells… I’m just so sorry…

    Please take care of yourself.
    CG

  2. I hear you, but it was my mother who made me eat. She never actually picked it up and forced me to eat it, but she’d make me sit there for hours and hours and if I didn’t eat it, I got it for the next meal – all congealed, dry, and rotted. There were a few times, I had to eat it to go on to the next meal. And they wonder why so many adults have eating issues…

    I don’t eat fish either and I still like myself. Don’t let anyone tell you that you need to eat it – they need to mind their own business. (sorry, you can tell I have a very sensitive spot for people who think I should eat this or that – not their problem)

  3. You don’t need to eat fish. You don’t need to eat anything you don’t want to. My father’s mother made him eat rice pudding. She wouldn’t let him leave the table until he ate it. So he ate it, but he never ate it again.

    I don’t understand making people, well, children, eat something that they don’t want to eat. It’s such a power thing, a control issue. I hate that.

  4. I’m sorry. I can relate, though it was my mother, who was my primary abuser. You are the one in power in your life now and get to decide. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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