The Food Thing Part 834 – or: Progress? Or not?

I’ve written a few times about the Food Thing (starting here, with lots more here). In a bid to start addressing this, I saw a dietician this week. My therapist wants to tackle it physically as well as psychologically. I didn’t want to go, but I did. My therapist thinks this is great progress. I’m not so sure.

Unfortunately I wasn’t able to be honest with the dietician about my f***ed up relationship with food. She said and did a couple of things that made me clam up and retreat. My walls went up… BIG TIME.

So the person who went to the dietician’s appointment was a different version of me: a not-quite-honest version; the person who fronts banks and the like; the person who deals with things totally objectively as if she’s talking about another person.

Certainly not the person who writes this blog. And certainly not the person who has been so brutally honest with you, and with her therapist, about the Food Thing.

If I had DID I might describe this person as “Management”. She steps in sometimes when the “real” me can’t deal with things. I haven’t seen her for a long time, though – not since I started therapy. It was quite odd to see her again.

My therapist is just about having kittens that I was able to talk to someone about the Food Thing – and its close cousins the Weight Thing and the Body Image Thing – even if I wasn’t honest. Not entirely. The other me stepped in and spoke objectively about things I eat, but wasn’t entirely honest about the binge eating and other stupid behaviours.

The whole experience was kinda triggering. Being weighed. Talking about weight. Talking about foods (some of which are triggering as well). To her credit the dietician suggested a couple of easy things that I’ll try, but none of it was fun – I cried all the way home and then pigged out on chocolate when I got here – but the therapist thinks it’s great progress.

From my perspective my biggest achievement was in not wigging out when I had to drive through the tunnel that runs under the river here (the bridge at the other end was another matter, but that’s another story for another time).

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9 thoughts on “The Food Thing Part 834 – or: Progress? Or not?

  1. I’m sorry that visit was so difficult for you. I have a few food issues, another part of me starves us when she out – otherwise I’m left on my own. I know I use food as a way of controlling the only thing I can control. My mother used to make me eat and eat. She wasn’t trying to be sadistic, she really believed I’d be healthier. What she didn’t realize was that she (the grown adult) was filling a plate with food based on her appetite. I use that very scenario to NOT eat. It’s a crazy head game. If you realize anything that sheds a light on things I hope you will share them, I can’t afford to go to someone just for that.

  2. I have a food thing too. And a weight thing, and a body image thing. Was this dietitian experienced in dealing with people with food things? Because it’s quite different advising regular people vs. food thing people. I had to talk about weight and food and eating last week in therapy, and it wasn’t good at all. Good job on the tunnel!

  3. You’re very brave Kerro. I hate the comfort eating thing. Right now it’s mini-eggs from Cadbury. It’s a dirty secret that I do after I’ve climbed into bed to go to sleep. Every night it is something different.

  4. I think you were incredibly brave for going to the dietician… I agree with your therapist, seeing someone else about anything to do with food is a big deal. Well done!! I know your “Management” persona had to come forward to help you through the appointment, but we have these personas to help us through life and this is what happened here. It was an incredibly stressful situation and you dealt with it the best you could… Good on you…

    Wow… driving through tunnels going under rivers… that deserves all sorts of cartwheels and congratulations all by itself. As you know, I come from a hick town that doesn’t even have a decent rush hour, so tunnels going under rivers is like another universe to me. Oh, did you toot your horn all the way through like you HAVE to do in the Victoria Tunnel, Wellington???

    (((warm safe hugs)))
    CG

  5. Okay she said and did a couple of things that made you clam up. Something happened. Even if she did nothing wrong, and she might have, you had a reaction. This is normal stuff, normal people can have reactions like this. It doesn’t negate the value of going, what she offered as advice, or your ability to implement her suggestions or to move further into healing from these issues. Perhaps she did and said things that made you feel bad, uncomfortable, judged, ashamed, etc. You have a perfectly normal reaction, all of us use personas/roles to get through the day. This is huge. You did it. Good for you.

    What did she say and do that upset you? Feel free not to answer. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  6. @ Ivory – thanks. I’m sorry your mother did that to you. Seems that sometimes even when parents do their “best” it’s a little toxic. I’ll let you know if anything worth sharing comes up.

    @ Harriet – I’m not sure if the dietician is experienced in Food Things, though my therapist has referred others to her, and she (the dietician) seemed pretty clear about where her dietician’s expertise would help, and where the therapist would need to step in. Talking about the Food Thing and the Weight Thing and the Body Image Thing is one of the most difficult things to talk about. Well done. Very brave of you to talk to your therapist about it.

    @ Sanity – I understand about the mini-eggs, I really do. The comfort they bring, and the guilt as well. I wish I could offer you some words of wisdom and comfort. Alas, the best I can offer is – talk to your therapist. 🙂

    @ Castorgirl – thank you. It was the best I could do, although my tendency to say my best is never good enough has now come to the fore. By the way, in “real” cities we have tunnels and bridges and … wait for it… even roads!!! 😉 Hugs to you, too.

    @ Kate – thank you. I suspect that the things the dietician said/did were just normal and I was over sensitive. I still value her advice, it’s just that I can’t be honest with her. I don’t trust her, and I’m not sure she’s “safe” – for me, anyway.

  7. Hi Kerro. You know don’t think I will ever be able to cope with dealing with my relationship with food. Because it just triggers me into more dysfunctional behaviour. Talking about bingeing makes me want to binge more. Talking about food makes me want to eat more.

    I think you did great to turn up and I hope it helps.

    Bearfriend xx

  8. @ Bearfriend – you’re not alone there. Every time I think about, or talk about, the Food Thing it sparks more dysfunctional behaviour. However, having seen the dietician, and made a couple of changes, I am starting to feel like food has less control over me. Not entirely, but a little bit… and that’s the only place to start, right?

  9. Pingback: A good week « Kerro’s Korner

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