I am filled with sadness. It’s heavy. It’s exhausting.
Sadness related to therapy. A sadness that things seem to get worse before they get better; a seemingly constant game of one step forward and two steps back. But also that it will one day end, though I’m a long way from being ready for that right now. Also a sadness related to the Wonder Therapist. How can it be that I have invested so much in this process, and come to care about her (or what I know of her), even feel so attached to her (how the hell did that happen?) … and yet, to her, I am probably nothing?
Sadness related to my family. I yearn for a big and functional family. Just once, a large and happy family to share a meal around a table. To share good food and to laugh. To know in our hearts that we are loved by all and to actually enjoy their company. To trust them and to know they are not secretly sharpening their caustic tongues.
Sadness related to being alone. My therapist said it’s unusual for people to have to deal with major surgery alone. Most people would have a partner, or a sibling or children to help them. I have no one. As I said to David in the last post, am I really that pathetic that I have to pay people to care for me?
Sadness about surgery. I’m starting to feel slightly more human again and am starting to get a bit bored. Not bored exactly… more like a caged lion, and it’s starting to make my head messy again.
Sadness about the mess in my head. My self-hatred is coming back full throttle. I don’t want to lose the progress I have made, but it seems to be slipping through my fingers like sand – and the more tightly I grasp at it, the faster it slips away.
Sadness about the future. Will I ever find the things I want most? Will I ever find anyone to truly love and care for me, and me for them? Or will I end up that tragic, lonely and very bitter cat lady I so fear?
Sadness about work. A good thing has happened and I think I have organised myself another job. That is a good thing, but part of me also feels like a failure. Like everything I’ve worked for over the past decade has come to nothing because I couldn’t cut it in my current position. I am more scared about starting this new position than I have ever been in my life.
Just sadness. I don’t like it.