I am filled with sadness. It’s heavy. It’s exhausting.

Sadness related to therapy. A sadness that things seem to get worse before they get better; a seemingly constant game of one step forward and two steps back. But also that it will one day end, though I’m a long way from being ready for that right now. Also a sadness related to the Wonder Therapist. How can it be that I have invested so much in this process, and come to care about her (or what I know of her), even feel so attached to her (how the hell did that happen?) … and yet, to her, I am probably nothing?

Sadness related to my family. I yearn for a big and functional family. Just once, a large and happy family to share a meal around a table. To share good food and to laugh. To know in our hearts that we are loved by all and to actually enjoy their company. To trust them and to know they are not secretly sharpening their caustic tongues.

Sadness related to being alone. My therapist said it’s unusual for people to have to deal with major surgery alone. Most people would have a partner, or a sibling or children to help them. I have no one. As I said to David in the last post, am I really that pathetic that I have to pay people to care for me?

Sadness about surgery. I’m starting to feel slightly more human again and am starting to get a bit bored. Not bored exactly… more like a caged lion, and it’s starting to make my head messy again.

Sadness about the mess in my head. My self-hatred is coming back full throttle. I don’t want to lose the progress I have made, but it seems to be slipping through my fingers like sand – and the more tightly I grasp at it, the faster it slips away.

Sadness about the future. Will I ever find the things I want most? Will I ever find anyone to truly love and care for me, and me for them? Or will I end up that tragic, lonely and very bitter cat lady I so fear?

Sadness about work. A good thing has happened and I think I have organised myself another job. That is a good thing, but part of me also feels like a failure. Like everything I’ve worked for over the past decade has come to nothing because I couldn’t cut it in my current position. I am more scared about starting this new position than I have ever been in my life.

Just sadness. I don’t like it.


12 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. I’m sorry you are so sad. I do want to say that I’m pretty confidant that you are more than nothing to your therapist. My old therapist told me that therapists never say this, but they care very much for their patients, and even love them. I know it’s so hard to believe because you are only there an hour a week and they see 39 other people.

  2. Hey K – I had a thought that possibly all the pain meds and such are playing havoc with your brain chemicals. That along with the traumatic nature of your surgery, and all the free time, its no wonder your questioning everything! The good news is that things will change and get better. The bad news is that its going to happen at its own pace. Often not fast enough for what we percieve as our own good. The new job is fantastic news, since so much of your prior day to day was wrapped around a bad situation getting worse. You are a hard worker, so lay to rest your fears. Even if this is not your everything job, I have always found that its part of a path to the right one, due to the learning process. Hang in there kiddo! I think of you often!

  3. I agree with SN. Pain meds can really mess with emotion and perception. When I had my gallbladder out, I had to stay overnight in the hospital. They were giving me some kind of pain meds (I never even asked what they were; I just kept allowing them to give me the shots because they would knock me out, and staying awake was agonizing because of all the commotion and noise). The next morning, I was watching the clock, waiting for my parents to come and visit me. I was lonelier than I had ever been in my life, and was convinced that my parents were out having breakfast or shopping rather than coming to see me. I was crying by the time they got there. It turns out, visiting hours didn’t even start until 11 am, and they were just waiting to be allowed in to see me.

    Anyway, I know it’s hard (if not impossible) in the moment, to say “Maybe I’m not perceiving this the same way I will in a week, or two”, but I hope there is some comfort in knowing that possibility.

    And your job change! That’s fantastic news! And scary, too, I am sure. Big change often is. Please try not to look at yourself as a failure. Your work over the past decade has gotten you to where you are now . . . in a place where you have a better idea of what you really want and don’t want, and you are learning and practicing the tools to make that happen!

    Be kind to yourself. You have worked so hard, and your body has been through a difficult battle. Rest, try to self-soothe, give yourself a huge pat on the back for all the work you have done, and know that you are still moving forward even if it doesn’t feel that way at the moment. 🙂


  4. Hey, just my tuppence worth – I wouldn’t be so quick to assume you are ‘just nothing’ to your therapist. I’m pretty sure there can be feelings on both sides.

    Hugs to you.


  5. I agree with the others that you mean something to your therapist… Therapists are human too, so will form a level of caring for someone who they see on a regular basis.

    Along with the pain meds possibly playing havoc with your emotions, there’s also the general anaesthetic to consider – the effects of which can take weeks to get over and they’re known to have a depressing effect on your mood. You’re also getting over an infection and all sorts of other things… that’s all going to have an effect.

    Yes, it is sad that you don’t have a family that can rally around you and help you unconditionally. You deserve that comfort, peace and security. I’m sorry you don’t have that available to you. But you do have friends that care about you… I know that’s a poor substitute when you’re feeling down, but we are here for you.

    Please take care…

  6. @ Harriet – thanks for dropping by. I am trying to remember that you may be right. My therapist has also said something similar about caring.

    @ Strangename – I hope you’re right. I’ve not been taking pain meds much for this reason, but in the cool light of day (or hot as our climate is right now) I am hopeful that this is just one of the delightful side effects of surgery. I have worked too hard to fall back to the start again.

    @ Tamp – Thanks. I hope you’re right, too. The commotion and noise of the hospital is unbearable for me. I was hysterical in there until I got my private room. I also hope this will pass. Faster please. I wonder if my life will always be like this with some “normal” times and times in the pit. I don’t want the pit anymore.

    @ Same Sky – thank you. I hope you’re right. The alternative is too much to think about.

    @ Castorgirl – why don’t they tell you about the general anaesthetic? They tell you there will be pain, and difficulty doing stuff, but they don’t tell you about the general. I am grateful that I have you and my other online friends to help me through. It means so much. ((hugs))

  7. Like you, I have no family who loves me, but I would loan you the sentiments of my T for just a moment. One day in a session, I totally dripped with sadness so bad my T was caught up in it. I looked up at him thru a storm of tears and could see my pain, reflected in his face. I said, “you will never forget me, will you?” His eyes watered a bit and he slowly shook his head, “No”. I believe him.

    My heart is with you.

  8. Kerro, I know we don’t know each other and perhaps this comment is inappropriate. If it is, please forgive me. I appreciate you so much in the comfort and encouraging words you’ve extended to me. I just wanted to tell you that I am here, listening, and thinking about you. ((((hugs)))) Much love to you my friend.

  9. Hi Kerro,

    First you have not achieved as much in your job because you have had to deal with being a survivor and all that that has taken up in your life. You have a boss who is sexually harassing you, taking advantage of you at work and at home, sapping your strength and draining your energy, making your work environment hostile, and who has been sabotaging your success. He constantly makes you feel inadequate and has purposely done much to interfere. So no you have not had as much success as you can elsewhere. This past job is not an accurate predictor of your next effort.

    I agree with the other comments about your reactions being largely influenced by meds and surgery. Hang in there, this is not a time to be making any big decisions about your self, where you currently stand is not where you will be in the near future.

    Mercury is in retrograde until the 15th, I hope it feels a lot better by then. I first read about this on Tampalama’s blog. I didn’t believe in that stuff until I tried to do a major packing and then moving in September across five states during a Mercury retrograde and now I believe. Boy, do I ever believe.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  10. @ Kate – thank you. It’s funny, a few people have said they see so much potential in me, but for some reason I’ve always felt like something is holding me back. Could that be the effort of “surviving”? Who knows…

    My stars predict an upshift at the end of the week… fingers crossed!

    Good and healing thoughts to you too.

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