Control – I needs it

Having lost control recently, I think I’ve learnt something important. I need to feel in control of things.

“No sh!t,” you say?

“Yea, it’s true,” I say.

My therapist asked me to I think about the last time I felt good about my eating habits and my weight, etc. Having found my way out of “I hate you” and towards “you are just trying to help”, I realised that most of the things she suggests work out ok (episodes with p-doc and Stone Therapist being the notable and prize winning exceptions).

So… when did I feel good about eating?

  • When I was eating well – listening to my food intolerances and eating in moderation (birthdays and Christmases excepted)
  • When I was exercising 5 to 6 times a week and doing yoga regularly (ok, so this had a tendency towards unhealthy obsession, but at least it was regular and I felt fitter)
  • When my weight was sustainable and I could fit comfortably into my “skinny” jeans (which aren’t really that “skinny”, but fit me when I’m “skinny”)

The thing is… I was an emotional robot then. I controlled everything and I felt nothing. Now I’m feeling all this … this … “stuff” and I feel quite out of control. It’s as if my feelings are controlling me and not the other way around. This is scary stuff, for robots like me. I guess my challenge is to find a way to have healthy eating and a healthy emotional life.

I know the need for control is common among many survivors, and one of the first things the sexual assault agencies suggest you do to help victims (give them back control, I mean). May be it’s just taken a while for the reality to sink in.

I think this need for control is one of the reasons I dislike my job so much. I have very little control there … I’m at someone else’s beck and call most of the time, even though I am a manager and get to direct things and delegate and all that. It’s weird, but this lack of control makes me entirely totally fundamentally anxious, most of the time. I don’t like it one little bit.

After my mother’s shenanigans about the timing of surgery and the traffic, I asked a friend whose parents live near mine if she could drop me over there for Christmas. This may not come off, but it feels good taking some control.

As you know I’m having surgery this week. Even though this is a situation in which I have very little control, I’m taking control of what I can. I cancelled a couple of social engagements this weekend so I could relax and organise myself. I’ve got some frozen meals in the freezer for when I come home; some sitcom DVDs to keep me company; and some comfy clothes all ready to go. And by the time I get to hospital, I will be packed for Christmas. Last time I went to this hospital it was an emergency procedure, so I didn’t get a chance to do any of these things. It feels good, and helps with the anxiety.

I’ve even told my mother I’m not sure how long I’ll stay over Christmas, it will depend on how I feel.

Take control. It feels good. 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Control – I needs it

  1. Hi Kerro. It was my last lot of therapy (psychoanalysis twice a week) that totally spun me out of control foodwise and I’ve been struggling to get back in control of it these last two years. I cannot feel OK or even remotely function normally when my food intake is out of control. I really need a good routine. It isn’t so much about physical health (although that too of course) but about my mental health.

    Separating out of control emotions from your food intake is the most difficult thing to do. I suppose you could say it WILL settle down when your emotions settle down. But who knows when that will be. Imposing a routine for eating and exercise on yourself until then may help. This doesn’t mean cutting out all treats or favourite foods. Just having a routine. And exercising – just walking – really helps to level out your blood sugar and calm your mind.

    Good Luck with your surgery. Hope everything goes well for you.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

  2. Just wanted to wish you good luck for your surgery. Also…just a thought, but it seems like you are planning to look after yourself well after the surgery, so maybe this aspect of control is a good thing? Best wishes.

  3. Hi Kerro,

    I like your ideas on establishing more safe controls. Good for you.

    I think that a part of this control thing for you is that your boss purposely does the control thing on you and it is abusive. I believe that you are meant for a better, healthier, and happier work environment and know that you will find your own unique and wonderful place.

    I think a part of this whole emotion thing is that your emotions are coming out now and being felt now and they are overwhelming in part, because they were not felt, pushed down, and frozen inside of you for so long. I just wanted to mention this and let you know that they won’t always feel this way or this much, once you get through the backlog, it will be more manageable. Hope that makes sense. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  4. Thank you all.

    @ Bearfriend – I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling with this as well. I also find the routine, and planning the routines, is helpful…. though hard to stick with, particularly when you’re on an emotional roller coaster! Hang in there.

    @ Cat – Thank you. And yes, believe it or not, I AM planning to look after myself post-surgery. Who knew this would ever happen??? 🙂

    @ Kate – damn those emotions! I knew how to deal with them when they are all locked up or stuffed down or pushed aside…. LOL 🙂

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