Control – I lost it

As most of you know I’ve been having a rough time lately. As if the work situation isn’t enough, I am possibly/probably heading for another round of gynae surgery before Christmas (unexpectedly but not emergently) and have scratched/smashed two cars in two weeks. Sigh.

I’ve found myself turning to time honoured strategies… in particular, The Food Thing.

I hate to admit it but I have been binge eating quite a lot lately. The worst episode for a while was last week. I got sick. Quite sick. So sick that it took me a couple of days to recover. And then I turned to another time honoured strategy: not eating anything at all. 

I have been trying to think about why I do this… if there are any triggers or any clues about what’s coming. I think there are. I know that as soon as work gets stressful, I start craving chocolate. And when I get upset or anxious, I just want to run. And when I can’t run, I eat. Even when I can run, I still crave food. Not just chocolate. Any food. Anything at all.

Sometimes I’m not even aware of what I’m doing… not until afterwards when I can see the mess, or when I’m suffering the consequences.

I know this can’t go on. For one thing it just generates more self loathing. Not to mention the potential weight gain that is itself a giant trigger. A ridiculously vicious circle.

I talked to my therapist about it this week. I foolishly gave her permission to tie me down and bludgeon me into talking about it. For some reason the stupid little leprechaun who lives in my head thought this was a good idea. Now I’m not so sure.

I came away with one side of my head screaming, “I HATE MY THERAPIST” and the other side saying, “No you don’t. She’s just trying to help.” In the cool light of day I realise she is just trying to help. It’s just incredibly hard and incredibly shame-inducing dealing with all this.

Sigh.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Control – I lost it

  1. Huge progress, though you didn’t mention that, so I feel duty bound to do so. Huge progress. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it is true. Our biggest steps in healing, our hugest progress only feel like crap, sorry but it is true. I know you will realize it later. So hang in there and keep doing the hard work for telling yourself this too will pass and that you are proud of yourself. If you can’t say it or feel it, I will. This in no way diminishes how hard this feels, how bad you feel about it or the amount of shame and other emotions this is stirring up in you. It is understandable that you are going through this and feeling this way. This too will pass. You have a lot to be proud of in yourself. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. I second Kate — the fact that you are seeing the pattern so clearly, and that you have spoken about it to your therapist and to us … holy cats, girl, those things are such huge leaps that you might as well be in a time warp.

    Is it hard? Yes. Does it suck? Absolutely. I wish with all my heart that someone could just make it better for you so that you wouldn’t have to suffer like this. But your new ability to look at that suffering head on — it’s very strong, and inspiring. I know you feel like a mess, but you’re getting where you need to go.

  3. Thank you all for your comments, and for seeing the strength and progress that I cannot yet see for myself.

    I also wish someone would just wave a magic wand and make all this hideousness go away. Alas, I can’t see that happening so will keep plodding on.

    Thanks again.

  4. Pingback: Control – I needs it « Kerro’s Korner

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s