What looks like crazy

I’m sick of the craziness in my head. I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been an emotional mess for a couple of days, brought on by a few things happening this week:

  • I’ve been getting new wardrobes installed (that’s closets for those of you north of the equator). I went with a company that has a great reputation for doing really good quality work. Unfortunately, my experience has been a debacle and I’ve somehow ended up with less space in the wardrobes than I had previously. Plus the company has seemingly done its best to muck me about all week. I’m so frustrated. I’m upset and I’m angry and I’m… I don’t really know what I am coz it’s all swirling together in my head.
  • Work has been hell. It’s busy, with lots of things coming to a pointy end which means long hours and added stress. The boss hasn’t done anything particularly creep-worthy this week, although he has been very stressed. This manifests by him coming into my office at least a thousand times an hour asking me how things are going, have I done x, y or z or where is the document on a, b or c (which he only asked me for on the last visit to my office). Needless to say this has been grating on my nerves and my Teflon-coating has worn thinner every day.
  • Because work has been chaos and home is a mess I’ve not eaten properly all week. A handful of nuts here, a few pieces of chocolate there, some cereal. After the run in I had with the fitting room mirror last weekend you’d think I’d know better.
  • It’s the anniversary of my birth tomorrow. Before you all rush to wish me a joyous occasion – I hate my birthday. I’m not even really sure why. I just do. I’m sure my therapist will say that’s got something to do with all this. I only have one wish for my birthday: to get through the day unscathed and without tears. (Or is that two wishes?)
  • I walked into a book shop this morning, hoping that it might calm me a little. It often does. Alas, not this time as the first thing I saw was a big display full of Xmas cards and calendars for 2010. Guess that time of year is coming all too fast again. *Sigh*

I finally fell over last night under the stress. After about ½ hour sleep I woke up with an ice pick headache and a bundle of emotions that I didn’t understand or know what to do with. I’m upset and I’m angry and… again I’m not sure what I am. If I’m angry then I get upset for being angry… and if I’m upset then I get angry with myself for getting upset.

I didn’t make it to work today, so the inner critic is now in overdrive telling me how pathetic and useless I am – yea, like that’s gonna help. She’s berating me for thinking I could have something nice like new wardrobes, coz really, what was I thinking? Berating me for being so pathetic that I’d get upset about something as silly as wardrobes. And berating me for not going to work and falling in a heap when things get stressful.

My therapist says lack of sleep won’t help the tears or the craziness in my head. She’s right. Again.

Note to self: Lack of sleep is like heroin to the inner critic.

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4 thoughts on “What looks like crazy

  1. I wish I had something wise to say that would make you feel better. No, I wish I had something to say that would release you from such misery. No. I wish I could fix things. I wish you didn’t feel so crappy.

    I’m rambling, I’m sorry. I’ll be thinking of you today and I hope you’re getting some sleep, I know that makes a difference with me and how me and my Colors feel.

  2. Please forgive me, Kerro, I went to the forum before reading this post and, noticing your birthday up there on the left, sent you a Happy Birthday message! I totally understand that you dont’ like birthdays – I didn’t enjoy mine one little bit this year. I do hope, regardless of the day, that you find something nice to do for yourself, however.

  3. Pingback: On eyes and cake and failure to set boundaries « Kerro’s Korner

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