Random ups and downs

I’m guessing that putting on weight is triggering for me or something. I went shopping today and the sight of myself in the fitting room mirrors made me feel sick. I was truly repulsed. I felt I didn’t deserve anything, let alone anything good or nice. I certainly didn’t deserve to look good.

I guess this comes from my parents (and particularly my father) who spent many years laughing at me or mocking me or telling me off for how much I weighed. He’s even done that to me as an adult. I remember a few years ago not having seen him for a few weeks. His first comment to me wasn’t ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’ or any other greeting; it was, “you’ve put on weight”.

Those comments, and the sight of myself in the mirrors, make me want to crawl into a dark hole for a very long time. This is the inner critic’s utopia.  

In other news I was offered – or sort of offered – another job yesterday through a former colleague. It sounds good – really good. If I were willing to go “freelance” I could start tomorrow (a salaried position may take a little longer). “Freelance” would be great as I could pick and choose my work, work more flexibly, work on the good projects (or the money spinners) and leave the rest.

Trouble is I have never been a risk taker so think I’m probably destined to indentured servitude for a while longer yet.


8 thoughts on “Random ups and downs

  1. I was really going along with you as I read your post — until the part about freelance and not being a risk taker. I have to admit, I got a bit queasy just thinking about taking that kind of leap. It would be one I would very much enjoy, tho. I hope you stir up some courage and try it (You can tell that I live vicariously thru my blogger friends!)

    Best wishes and much courage your way.

  2. Hi Kerro,

    I’m sorry about the weight gain and it triggering the shame and guilt about your body. I go through that as well. I know it is awful. I’m sorry dear Kerro.

    What a great thing to get this job offer, even if you can’t accept it. Someone sees your skills and thinks this much of you. I believe in you.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  3. Have you ever read the Susan Jeffers book “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway”? I read it a few years back and found it really inspiring. In it she says that two of the things we should say to ourselves are “Whatever happens I’ll handle it” and “I cannot fail regardless of the outcome of the decisions I make. I look forward to the opportunity for growth that either pathway gives me”.

    Considering it’s probably a good 6 years since I first read that book and I rarely remember stuff I read, you can perhaps see how great I thought it was 🙂

    Reading your post about the new job opportunity and the risk taking aspect made me think of it.

  4. Hey, Kerro –

    I have found it beneficial to identify triggering situations so I could prepare myself for when they do come around . . . so I can decide in advance to keep my balance when the blast comes.

    Hang in there . . . it gets better . . .

    – Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)

  5. I wish I had something comforting to say regarding the weight trigger, but I don’t. I struggle with it myself. It stinks and can pull the rug from under you when you least expect it.

    Great news about the work though… So is this the first serious offer you’ve had, and how many places have you even half seriously looked at? Take your time and find what you feel comfortable with.

    (((warm safe hugs)))

  6. Kerro, I know the feeling you speak of when shopping! I think most women fight this battle, so know that you aren’t alone. Kudos to you for considering switching it up and doing freelance! It might be scary and maybe you won’t do it now…but you’re considering it which, I think, is a big step in itself!


  7. Pingback: What looks like crazy « Kerro’s Korner

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