I sat down tonight to write a quick post on healing and self-care – following in the footsteps of some esteemed bloggers, here, here and here. I ended up writing a thesis. I’ve been mulling over this question of “what is healing?” for quite some time, but without any magical answers.
Here are my thoughts… I’ve broken this into a few parts so that I don’t put you all in a coma in the first go! 😉
Some days I think I’ll never be healed (however we conceive it). Every week I go to my therapist’s office and it seems I’m reminded of that. That’s my fault, not hers: she is always pointing out to me how far I’ve come, how good things are now, etc etc. But my head just says, “yes, but…”
It’s like I’m sitting there and the Universe is dangling everything I want in front of me, but whenever I reach out to grab it that same Universe says, “uh huh huh. No no,” and laughs at me for wanting those things.
Perhaps I’m doing a couple of things in these moments which, cognitively speaking, are a direct route to unhappiness: (1) I’m comparing myself to others and to some unattainable “perfect” life and (2) I’m focussing on the negative – the things I don’t have, rather than the things I do have.
This part of my brain wants to quit now. Quit. That’s Q.U.I.T. If I quit now perhaps I can avoid any more disappointment? This part of my brain also wants to go back to the days B.T. (Before Therapy). Sure, I was an emotional cripple then, a wreck, and spiralling out of control in workaholic crazy land. But I knew how to do that. I don’t know what “this” is now, and I don’t know how to do it.
Another part of my brain has an inkling of things I want in life. That part of my brain knows that I can’t deal with this stuff alone, that I’ll need my therapist’s help for a while yet. It’s this part of my brain, combined with my in-built Super Reliable streak, that keeps me going back to therapy every week.