A ramble on healing, nurturing and the like – Part One

I sat down tonight to write a quick post on healing and self-care – following in the footsteps of some esteemed bloggers, here, here and here. I ended up writing a thesis. I’ve been mulling over this question of “what is healing?” for quite some time, but without any magical answers.

Here are my thoughts… I’ve broken this into a few parts so that I don’t put you all in a coma in the first go! 😉

Some days I think I’ll never be healed (however we conceive it). Every week I go to my therapist’s office and it seems I’m reminded of that. That’s my fault, not hers: she is always pointing out to me how far I’ve come, how good things are now, etc etc. But my head just says, “yes, but…”

It’s like I’m sitting there and the Universe is dangling everything I want in front of me, but whenever I reach out to grab it that same Universe says, “uh huh huh. No no,” and laughs at me for wanting those things.

Perhaps I’m doing a couple of things in these moments which, cognitively speaking, are a direct route to unhappiness: (1) I’m comparing myself to others and to some unattainable “perfect” life and (2) I’m focussing on the negative – the things I don’t have, rather than the things I do have.

This part of my brain wants to quit now. Quit. That’s Q.U.I.T. If I quit now perhaps I can avoid any more disappointment? This part of my brain also wants to go back to the days B.T. (Before Therapy). Sure, I was an emotional cripple then, a wreck, and spiralling out of control in workaholic crazy land. But I knew how to do that. I don’t know what “this” is now, and I don’t know how to do it.

Another part of my brain has an inkling of things I want in life. That part of my brain knows that I can’t deal with this stuff alone, that I’ll need my therapist’s help for a while yet. It’s this part of my brain, combined with my in-built Super Reliable streak, that keeps me going back to therapy every week.

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6 thoughts on “A ramble on healing, nurturing and the like – Part One

  1. Hi Kerro,

    Comparing to others and focusing on negative are very normal parts of healing. I would like to say that they are only around in the early stages of healing, but I will have to admit that as horrible as they are, moving beyond them are still really the responsibility of the person who is trying to heal. I wish that they were symptoms of a disease that just cleared up by a certain point, but no it is more about initiative, learning, growing, healing. Ick, right? However you are well on your way and as always are doing a great job of it all, even though appreciating the level you are working on may be beyond your grasp right now.

    As for you not knowing, you are a pretty quick study and I know that you are doing a great job of healing, even though the manual is not memorized yet. This incredible job you are doing, this sweetie, this is healing, and you are doing a great job.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. I rewrote my comment.

    Healing

    Dancing beneath any sky knowing I am free to be me
    Sky so chaotic not clear where it begins and ends
    Dance of the mundane to exciting and everywhere else
    Sky clear seemingly going on forever
    Dance accompanied, accompanying or alone
    Sky so low I am in it.
    Dance and Sky so very sad I will not think I can ever be

    Healing is me being me knowing I am me as best I can be

    From the journal of the Journey of the Falcon and the Wizard.

  3. Hey K….Reading your blog i was instantly reminded of the Parker Bros (i think) board game….The Game of Life. The people who developed that game were ordinary people. If you ever saw it or played it, you would recognize, in a comical way, that you are not unlike most of the population. That is wanting something better, striving, and getting knocked back into oblivion at times. Your a highly motivated individual who wants to fix whats wrong and move on. We all want that, but layers of shit keep bubbling up. (Tamp has a great inner critic link she is going to post which goes to how we all are so hard on ourselves.) I guess what I am rambling about is… to accept the time line as infinity. Then anything is a possibility. Its a far reaching concept, but I see how far you have come in a year…I can only imagine the kind of person you will be and become in the future..the strength you will have! I myself am proud to say you are my friend and glad you didn’t quit. If you had, I wouldn’t have the depth and love I have today… and in the end, that’s what its all about!

    If you never saw it…watch the movie Field of Dreams. It reminds me of therapy! If you build it…they (it) will come…

    Your just building right now K … you can’t put too much weight on the foundation, cause its not complete yet…

  4. Kerro –
    You hit the nail on the head. At least in the world before therapy, I survived without thinking too much about it. Now all I do is think, think, think…..

    I do think I’ve made progress.. As have you.

    OLJ

  5. @ Kate – I try to remember that this is healing, but it’s difficult. I’m such a destination girl… stuff the journey, just get me to the end already!!! I know that’s not what this is about, but damn it’s hard sometimes.

    @ SN – I know you know that the constant striving is exhausting sometimes, but I don’t know who I am without that. I have seen Field of Dreams… please, don’t torture me by making me sit through that coma again.

    @ OLJ – Yep, if only we could go back to life BT, eh? But perhaps we should also think about the things we’d be without?

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