I did it. I blogged every day for the entire month of August. I made it. I don’t even have to be here today. But I am.
I learnt a few things during this month-long blog fest: writing every day is hard, particularly writing something meaningful. And it’s hard to write spontaneously, particularly when you’ve just moved house and are completely and utterly exhausted. But more importantly I learnt that you people, you people who read and comment – you care and you support me. And that feels totally amazing. Thank you! 🙂
In other news I have a job interview this week. Don’t even go there because I’m just about sh1tting myself. Thing is, I’m not sure if I even want this job, or if I do but I’m clouded by doubts driven by self-protection and fear. A while ago my therapist suggested I think about the job thing: about what I want and what I don’t want; the things I’ll be glad to get away from and the things that I really want to keep. So here goes…
What will I be glad to get away from?
- Endless lack of decision making and getting to the pointy end of projects before the powers that be change their mind about what they want. It’s exhausting.
- A boss I feel like I can never please.
- Expectations and an environment that expects me to swan about, boozing and schmoozing on top of the job. That expects me to give up my leave to booze and schmooze. That values who you know and who you booze with above the quality of your work. Sorry, no.
- Fighting people every step of the way over things that really make no difference in the world.
- Politics. Big P and little p.
- Elections. Even those that are more than a year away. With our federal system and our three to four year election cycle it effectively means you have a year, may be two if we’re lucky, to really do anything meaningful before the Politics kicks in again. This used to excite me. Now it just exhausts me.
- Shuffling paper from one side of the desk to the other.
- Administrivia. Endless administrivia. Did I tell you that I received about 15 emails yesterday about creating a code for a project for the finance people and whether or not the code had been created last year or not? *sigh*
What do I want to keep?
- Some of my people. They’re wonderful. They’re incredibly, scarily smart and incredibly nice. Who knew these things could occur simultaneously?
- Managing staff. I like it. I like the mentoring and coaching and supporting and developing. I like developing the team. I like seeing people develop and grow.
- The gardens near my office. They’re beautiful. I don’t want to leave them.
- Being conveniently close to my therapist’s office. (And just so you know I’m completely crazy, sometimes I look at her office when I drive by on my way home just to feel “safe”… to see if she’s there and to know that all is good and right in the world.)
- My office. It’s lovely. And my assistant, who is also lovely, and who can deal with some of the administrivia, or at least order it for me so I know what to deal with and what to ignore.
- The money. It’s good.
- I’m up for another round of long service leave in 18 months time. I don’t want to lose that but think it’s a dumb reason to stay in a job I can barely get out of bed for.
- Sometimes the work is interesting and intellectually stimulating.
- I know people. I know who does what and how the system works. This new job would throw me into an environment that I’ve never worked in before. I’d have to relearn all that stuff. That scares the bejeezus out of me.
It’s funny the effect that writing these lists have had on me. Writing about the things I’ll be glad to say good-bye to I felt heavy; I felt exhausted.
But writing about the things I want to keep made me feel light and … almost, ummm, “happy”? Some of them brought a smile to my face, anyway.
I realised too that in many ways I feel like my job there is done. When I went into the job two years ago the organisation had restructured and I inherited a team of people who, speaking metaphorically, were making cheese and vegemite sandwiches but had suddenly been asked to design a menu. They’re different jobs, requiring different skills. Many of them weren’t up to the task. I turned that around. I nearly tore my hair out doing it, but I did it. Yay for me! 🙂 But my job there is done now and it’s time to move on. May be that’s why I hate it so much now?
Wow. Big statements. Who knew that writing could help you figure out so much stuff? 😉
Peace be with you, my friends.