What the heck happened?

Dear T –

Do you remember what we talked about at the end of my session today? I’m not sure what it was but somewhere between leaving your office and driving home I descended into a sad and anxious mess.

Was it your offer to move to a fortnightly appointment, and my childish fear that this means you’re trying to get rid of me?

Was it talking about the job and feeling like an incompetent fool for thinking I could apply for such a thing?

Was it the constant reminders that my life isn’t what I want it to be that dredged up all those feelings that it never will be (even though I know that’s negative and irrational)?

Was it going to the theatre and being surrounded by pregnant women and happy couples that reminded me of what I don’t have… potentially what I’ll never have?

And why do these thoughts lead immediately to thinking I shouldn’t bother… that I should just give up entirely?

Can we rewind and go back to my session and do something so this doesn’t happen? I almost prefer it when I’m thinking things will be ok, even if that is just a delusion.

From Miserable Me

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5 thoughts on “What the heck happened?

  1. Hi Kerro,

    Okay I have a big issue with your t offering to go to every other week. I don’t get that. I don’t think that therapists understand anything when they can offer that to a client who is trying to heal. I don’t know the whole story, perhaps you are wanting to cut down, or you need to due to insurance or money concerns, but you didn’t comment about a reason here. Back up therapist might be a therapist to consider seeing if this one doesn’t think you need the time. I just wanted to say this because often therapists don’t get it about healing from child sexual abuse. I’m sorry that you got so upset through that day.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  2. Hi Kate

    In my therapist’s defence, it was a casual comment. The conversation went something like this:

    T: “So, do you want to make another time?”

    Me: “Yes please”

    T: “When? Two weeks? One?”

    Me: “One. Don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m not ready for two weeks yet.”

    T: Laughing “Ok”

    My rational brain says T has told me many times she’s not going anywhere and I can see her for as long as I want to. My child like brain just has a tendancy to latch onto odd remarks and give them a significance way beyond anything approximating normal.

  3. It could be sth as simple as a holiday modus (at this side of the globe) expecting people to go missing for a week in between, or on an auto-pilot asking about two weeks as I believe many clients do it bi-weekly.

    And very good of you to make clear your point of view and that you are not ready! Setting limits! Making statements! 🙂 I think that is the most significant of the conversation, not that he might hypothetically be rejecting you (which I think he isnt).
    It might also just be a reminder that it is all flexible and up to you.

    But then again as usual; I dont know.

  4. Hi Kerro,

    Thanks for the clarification. I was overreacting as well. I feel like you are my little sister and so I was defending you, before all the facts were in.

    I totally understand about the feeling that can come from small things nad small words. Me too.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. @ Rainbow Socks – thank you, I’d not seen this as setting limits and stating what I need, but you’re right. Well done me! 😉

    @ Kate – oh, that is so sweet. Thank you. In many ways I feel like you’re my big sister. 🙂

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