I feel oddly anxious posting this. I was feeling so positive and so powerful after my recent posts. I was starting to believe what you’ve all said about my progress. I was even starting to believe what the lovely David said here: “If you did this much … you can do more!”
For a few days at least I felt like I could take on the world!
Sadly, that feeling hasn’t lasted. I’m sorry to say that, and somehow I feel like I’m letting you all down. Just more pressure I’m putting on myself to be “good”, I suppose. I almost feel too awful to post… too depressed to go to therapy even because I will be disappointing you and disappointing my therapist.
Anyway, here’s what happened …
Yesterday I had a difficult (somewhat triggering) day at work. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but here’s a quick summary: my boss went kinda postal at me because some other people went postal at him last week. I was off sick last week so I wasn’t there to manage the situation and had no idea things had blown up until I went in this week. The boss is (unjustifiably) blaming me for the blow up (and for a bunch of other stuff while he’s at it).
Of course, I took all this personally and am now back in the “I’m a bad person. I’m a failure. I’m useless at my job” space. I didn’t completely lose my grip yesterday, but I was close. I had to escape to the park to compose myself. Even so, I’ve been on edge ever since.
It’s all to do with the anger I talked about yesterday, I guess. I completely froze while the boss was postal, and I was cross at myself for freezing, and for taking this all so personally.
I’m trying hard not to let this drag me under, but it’s not easy.
I guess this is all just part of the big roller coaster of healing; the big roller coaster of life.