When you get knocked off balance

Roller Coaster 1

I feel oddly anxious posting this. I was feeling so positive and so powerful after my recent posts. I was starting to believe what you’ve all said about my progress. I was even starting to believe what the lovely David said here: “If you did this much … you can do more!”

For a few days at least I felt like I could take on the world!

Sadly, that feeling hasn’t lasted. I’m sorry to say that, and somehow I feel like I’m letting you all down. Just more pressure I’m putting on myself to be “good”, I suppose. I almost feel too awful to post… too depressed to go to therapy even because I will be disappointing you and disappointing my therapist.

Anyway, here’s what happened …

Yesterday I had a difficult (somewhat triggering) day at work. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but here’s a quick summary: my boss went kinda postal at me because some other people went postal at him last week. I was off sick last week so I wasn’t there to manage the situation and had no idea things had blown up until I went in this week. The boss is (unjustifiably) blaming me for the blow up (and for a bunch of other stuff while he’s at it).

Of course, I took all this personally and am now back in the “I’m a bad person. I’m a failure. I’m useless at my job” space.  I didn’t completely lose my grip yesterday, but I was close. I had to escape to the park to compose myself. Even so, I’ve been on edge ever since.

It’s all to do with the anger I talked about yesterday, I guess. I completely froze while the boss was postal, and I was cross at myself for freezing, and for taking this all so personally.

I’m trying hard not to let this drag me under, but it’s not easy.

I guess this is all just part of the big roller coaster of healing; the big roller coaster of life.

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5 thoughts on “When you get knocked off balance

  1. The feeling really good about your progress and then crashing is completely normal. I do it too; I think most everyone does. It feels awesome to feel and see so much progress, and then exhaustion sets in. It’s our body’s way of saying we need to take a break and rest. Recoup. Re-balance. Let the work you’ve done completely sink in and become a part of you.

    Even though I know this is easier said than done, please try not to feel pressured or worry about disappointing your friends and readers here . . . we are here because we care about you, and we all understand that no one can be in a constant state of work-work-work and progress without some rest. Think of it like working your muscles at the gym. If you never rested, you would risk serious injury that would set you way back in your progress.

    (((Kerro)))

  2. Kerro I so understand about the feeling like you’re disappointing people. Part of my problem session last night was because I’m convinced that my T is disappointed in me because I’m on AD’s. He says I’m projecting and perhaps I am but I still, deep down, feel as though he’s thinking “if I was any good I’d have sorted myself out without this help and now she’s only feeling better artificially”. We are our own worse critics.

    I also totally understand and relate to taking the work stuff personally.

    I have worked for 2 bosses previously who used to regularly tell me how awful I was and shout at me. I now work for a company that actually values me and after 9 years I still find myself doubting that.

    It is 100% understandable that you’d react the way you did – I think most people would – particularly those with issues like ours re self-esteem etc. If your boss had been heaping praise on you I bet, like me, you’d have come up with a zillion ways of dismissing why the praise wasn’t justified…. try doing the same with the negative stuff he said. Why is it so easy for us to believe that hook, line and sinker?

    Stay strong and don’t ever feel under pressure from your “theraposse”. We are here for you whatever is going on 🙂

  3. Hi Kerro,

    It is not a disappointment to hear about the hard times, the doubts, the worries, the times you feel as though you have let yourself and everyone down. Sharing them is the only way to get support. It is the only way to get told hey this is normal, this too will heal.

    Healing is not about always being happy. It is not about only the good stuff. It is not about being competent in every aspect of yourself and never blaming yourself and always loving yourself instead. I don’t know anyone who has experienced that or written about that. Healing is not about feelings or thinking you have come a long way. It is about all the hard work that you have done and nothing can take that away from you.

    No one, not anyone handles a boss treating like this in a competent way. And if they do they are probably risking being fired, because bosses don’t like someone being competent when they have lost it. It is okay to take the time you need to re-group after this.

    Be gentle with yourself, cause none of your pals can be there with you to do that. I hope that you can pet your kitty, have a good comfort but healthy food and think this is my pals reaching out to me and giving me the comfort that I need and want. You aren’t alone.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  4. I’d like to re-enforce the fact that telling us about the rough times will not cause any sense of disappointment. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t tell us when things were bad – and it sounds like they have been! Life is about going through ups and downs, that’s disgustingly usual and real. The thing is to try and work through those ups and downs so that they don’t affect you so badly and trigger all the negative stuff. We’re all still on that journey, I hope it brings comfort to know that you’re not alone on that journey.

    I’m working with reactionary people like your boss, and it’s hard to keep a sense of balance around them. As a generalisation, this type of boss also won’t apologise when they’ve calmed down and realised how badly they’ve reacted and treated you. I hope you’re boss does apologise and show that they understand the damage caused by the outburst, but don’t count on it.

    I wonder if you realise how well you coped and how strong you showed yourself to be by keeping the control you did? Think back say 3 years, how do you think you would’ve reacted then? Do you think you handled it better and more honestly now? It may hurt too much right now to really reflect on the situation, but give yourself a week or two.

    Please just keep being honest with us, that’s the most important thing 🙂

    Take care,
    CG

  5. Pingback: yThe roller coaster of life « Kerro’s Korner

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