One trigger I’m not making such good progress with is when people get angry with me, or when I perceive that they are angry with me.
I become paralysed. I mean – I. Completely. Freeze.
And then I either roll over totally compliant, trying desperately to be “good” or I run away and hope I never have to deal with the person again.
I don’t really have any magic wisdom to share on this one, but I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot after reading one of Castorgirl’s recent posts, and Gracie’s response, which said
“Silent brooding anger is a horrible thing for a child – or an adult – never knowing what it is that you have done wrong to cause the anger or when the anger will explode at you and in what way that explosion will occur.”
Yes. It is.
I remember as a child my father being angry. A lot. Or he was brooding. I was either cowering in fear or on edge, wondering when he’d explode. Tap dancing around him in the hope that I could delay the storm. I never could.
As a child I thought this was all my fault. That I was a bad person; that if only I’d been “good enough” things would have been different. Despite a lifetime of trying to be “good enough”, things were never different and I never was good enough.
I still don’t know how to deal with anger. But I know now that this isn’t my fault; that none of the anger directed at me when I was a child was my fault. That, I suppose, is progress.