When progress stalls

One trigger I’m not making such good progress with is when people get angry with me, or when I perceive that they are angry with me.

I become paralysed. I mean – I. Completely. Freeze.

And then I either roll over totally compliant, trying desperately to be “good” or I run away and hope I never have to deal with the person again.

I don’t really have any magic wisdom to share on this one, but I’ve been thinking about it quite a lot after reading one of Castorgirl’s recent posts, and Gracie’s response, which said

“Silent brooding anger is a horrible thing for a child – or an adult – never knowing what it is that you have done wrong to cause the anger or when the anger will explode at you and in what way that explosion will occur.”

Yes. It is.

I remember as a child my father being angry. A lot. Or he was brooding. I was either cowering in fear or on edge, wondering when he’d explode. Tap dancing around him in the hope that I could delay the storm. I never could.  

As a child I thought this was all my fault. That I was a bad person; that if only I’d been “good enough” things would have been different. Despite a lifetime of trying to be “good enough”, things were never different and I never was good enough.

I still don’t know how to deal with anger. But I know now that this isn’t my fault; that none of the anger directed at me when I was a child was my fault. That, I suppose, is progress.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “When progress stalls

  1. Kerro if a shared experience is any comfort, I share many of the same issues and reactions to anger.

    Anger from a parent is impossible to understand as a child, we always blame ourselves. We look for what we have done to cause the problem, even if the anger isn’t directed at us. But you are right, none of it was our fault. You did nothing worthy of the level of anger directed at you. I’m so glad you can now begin to see that.

    Take care,
    Michelle

  2. I agree, angry dad’s are scary. Angry people in general are scary. I wonder if abused people are the peace makers of the world.

    C

  3. Hi Kerro,

    I hear what you are saying. I have to disagree with some of it.

    This is not stalled progress. This is a part of the natural progression of healing. You are just judging yourself too harshly and expecting it to happen real quick. Healing from anger issues is one of the hardest parts of healing.

    You see a lot of connections and you know “I know now that this isn’t my fault; that none of the anger directed at me when I was a child was my fault.” This is huge. This is huge progress and this is huge healing work. Just remind yourself you are doing huge healing work and not giving yourself due credit. I see. I know. Good job.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s