Dear friends, thank you all so much for your support. I started replying to your comments on my last post, then realised I had another post on my hands, so here I am. I’m trying to think you’re all right, and the meds are messing with my mind. It’s funny how quickly you forget how crazy irrationality can be when you have a few days, weeks or months of rationality.
The stars must have aligned or something, because IGMC posted just as I was writing this, and thinking of her actually, and the turn around since she got meds working in her favour. I’m hopeful that this will happen to me, too – without any nasty ongoing side effects. Thank you, IGMC, for making me realise I’m not alone, and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
SWD suggested a return to basics… vitamins; vegetables. What are they? LOL Seriously, it’s so easy to forget the most basic things when the clouds descend. And so easy to forget that you forget. Almost like we need a loud bell to ring to remind us, or a poke with a cattle prod; something so we can switch to a primal routine. I’m rambling, I know, and making almost no sense…
A couple of you said I deserve happiness… my brain just spins wildly when I hear that. I just don’t understand. It’s not something I’ve ever thought I was entitled to. A happy life? That’s just something that happens if you’re “lucky”.
Some of you also say you see progress in me – I don’t understand that either. I’m trying to accept it, not question it, but it’s so difficult for me to believe. Another learning, as Paul said.
I’ve tried VERY hard to be gentle to myself the last day or so. Yesterday I spent the evening in front of the heater (my favourite spot) and went to bed between my favourite sheets. Today I even had a massage. I was still jumpy, but not as much as I used to be, and I even fell asleep towards the end – it was divine; a few moments of Bliss. As Castorgirl said, it’s a MAJOR achievement to self-soothe. I had forgotten how nice that can be. Feels like a complete indulgence; almost naughty, even though I know it’s not.
I did show some courage today… this week my therapist mentioned the idea of group therapy in addition to my individual work with her. An opportunity to realise I’m not alone, see how others deal, etc etc. Today I mustered the courage to ring one of the organisations here that offers support groups. My fear was running at 11 (out of 10) and I was shaking like a leaf. The duty worker I spoke to was delightful and really helped me to feel comfortable and understand how the group thing might work, and might help. In the end I was really glad I’d called – partly because she was so lovely and supportive (she seemed to totally understand what I’m dealing with, which was odd but good), but also because I’d faced one of my very many fears and it ended up ok. Yay for me! 🙂
Sadly this organisation is experiencing some staffing issues, so probably won’t run any groups until next year. But at least I made the call. May be one day I’ll have the courage to do what dear Wounded Deer suggested, and “take a chance on a dream”, who knows?
Ok… fear back to 11 again. I’m off to bed to enjoy the last remnants of my dreamlike post-massage state.
Thank you again, everyone. You’ve been so kind to me, and so supportive, the last few months. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you.